Sunday, December 24, 2017

Lighting the candle of love.... Merry Christmas all

The last candle on the advent wreath is the candle of love.

This year,  it was lit in the morning and the christ candle for Christmas lit at the midnight service.

As I light the love candle,  I see advent giveway to Christmas.  God with us.

On my way to Christmas eve with the family,  I stopped to see how she was doing.  She was coloring pages from an adult coloring book,  tears streaming down her face.  I sat with her.  I looked at each of the beautifully coloured pages and I saw God with us. 

Love turns pain to joy,  despair to hope,  violence to peace.  Love is what came on Christmas morning and lives on in and with us. 

Love is getting out of your own storyline and breathing in someone else's.  Love is not losing it when someone wrongs you. Love is unexpected thoughtfulness. Love is letting go and moving on.

That tiny baby born in Bethlehem grew up and walked the way of love.  Love of God.  God made flesh. And he didn't fix it.  He hands the work to us.  With one command... "Love each other as I have loved you." 

Love lights your candle and your small light pierces the darkness, drives out fear and beats down the voices that can haunt at night. 

May this holy night shine a light into the world corners of your life and may you carry a flame into the new year.  The world so desperately needs it.

Friday, December 22, 2017

Lighting the candle of joy

Joy. 

I think of the birth of my children,  the Easter morning that I got engaged, moments where life felt compete.  When the world stood still and for a moment the broken pieces of life melt away.

Joy is birthed from hardship.

The joy of a new baby after 9 months of pregnancy and painful labor.

The joy of marriage after years of waiting for "the one".

Joy in graduating after years of hard work or in watching your child start thier life after years of hard work and prayers to raise them.

Joy comes to the weary world that waits and groans in brokenness.  The empty void in our hearts filled by the presence of the divine who comes to make a home along us.

We are nearing Christmas.

The busy commotion was dizzying. I picked Eddie from school and people were milling about trying not to forget anything before the break ahead and jumping in cars off to start whatever plans await.

I felt compelled to make a quiet house today.  To let the world go with its busyness and traffic and shopping and sit at home to reflect on joy drawing near.

For unto us,  a child is born.  To us a son is given...

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Lighting the candle of hope

Lighting advent candles with my boys has become my favorite tradition for the holiday season.  Each year we do it a little differently.  But it is a quiet moment in the night.  A dark house.  Kids patient at the table waiting for something sweet while I light the candles.

For those who don't know, there are 4 candles to be lit. One  for each week of advent and a white candle for Christmas. I've seen different themes assigned to the candles.  The most common one is hope,  love,  joy and peace.

This advent has been particularly poignant in pushing a deeper reflection on these candles as I light them.  Many friends are going through rough times.  Failing health,  parents failing health,  broken relationships, divorces leading to lonely Christmas mornings. I breath it all in and I pause as I light the hope candle.

Hope.  It feels foolish in the midst of a world that continually disappoints.  A certain vulnerability to be open to possibility in the face of uncertainty. It's so much easier (and safer) to be cynical.

But those candles.

My dark cold house is transformed by their tiny light. It pierces the darkness and warms the room.

In a barn, on the outskirts of a small town a light came into the world.  A tiny baby started a fire that has carried on across the ages.  A fire that carries the message of hope for light that is still to come.

Tonight,  I gaze at my candles and carry on my heart a prayer of hope for all of you who are trudging through it. May a small light shine in your life this week.

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Lighting the candle of peace

I've been struggling a lot with the concept of peace.

Jesus came to being peace and yet in his first days there was a massacre of young boys and he fled to a distant place as a refugee.

The world gets wound up this time of year. It seems people rush to hit deadlines by the end of the semester or the year.  They add to the list with holiday shopping and crafting. The stress creates shorter fuses than usual and there is some strong underlying emotional current that is palpable.  It doesn't feel like peace. It doesn't look like peace.

And so,  I yell at God... where's the peace? Didn't you come to bring peace that passes understanding?

And God whispers... I did.

I'm looking for a world to be a peace.  That would be a peace we could all understand.  But the peace of God passes understanding.  It is like love.  Solid and present in the midst of turmoil and chaos. I need to stop looking for the world to be a peace and rather look to God. The promise of peace is there and when I reach beyond myself to the  limitless holy mystery of the divine. Peace comes.  And it passes all understanding.

Peace be with you.

Monday, December 11, 2017

The season of waiting for God to show up and fix this mess


Growing up, I thought of advent as a tame, candlelit season. Christmas plays, cookies, decorating. Preparing for little baby Jesus. A gentle season, for a gentle baby who didn't cry.

When I moved to California, I encountered an Advent that was bigger and wilder than that.

The ancient church used the season of advent to reflect on the coming of God into the world. For God who came and for God who will return. Ironically, Advent pushes Christians into the mindset of Judiasm. We are waiting for a savoir. We are waiting for God to come and fix this mess.

This year, I've been in the middle of mess. I've had hardly any time to do any of the fun "Christmas things" with my little guys and wishing there was more of me to just fix is all. Phone calls, conversations, facebook -- all pushing the question -- why does life have to be so broken? Even at work I feel it.  I work everyday with people who long to start a family, for whom the holidays are a deep, painful reminder of the brokenness of their bodies. Everywhere I turn, I see a need for God to come and fix this mess. And as I reflect on that, I find a deep joy.

God is coming.

God is entering into and meeting us all where we are. This season flips the world on it's head, empowering the weak, freeing the addicted, redeeming the unforgivable. It's the promise that none of our messes are too big for God and no matter where you find yourself this holiday season there is joy, hope, peace and love reserved for you because none of us are beyond the reach of God.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

A promise I cling to...

It is Easter morning.  A holy mystery that I have wrestled with my whole life and a promise I cling to.  He is risen.

We carried stones into the Good Friday service.  According to Jewish custom,  stones are placed in a pile to mark a new grave. These stones were for the grave of a savior we loved and followed.  Stones that represent the weight of worry, pain,  suffering... death itself.  I bought baby Miles. The ashes and the stones and the dark church. A final boom filled the room.  It was finished.  Andrew carried his small stone and threw it in the pile.  He held my hand.

Saturday,  miles dressed in black came to the church.  The boys carried thier baptismal candles. Water poured.  The christ candle lit for the very first time.  The boys candles lit one after another.  The light spread.  The darkness of Good Friday broken by the new light of Christ.  And here,  miles joined us. Water poured over his head reminding us of a promise that nothing would ever ever seperate him from the love of God. We dressed him in white.  The first witness this year of the resurrection.

I am at peace. I sat in church this morning and soaked in the hymns.   Words with such deep promise. I wrestled again with the holy mystery of the empty tomb.  The promise I cling to.  Miles dressed in white. This Lent, I let go of my ability to protect him from the pain and darkness of this world.  And I brought him to the deep water that carries him into the promise of this holy day that pain and suffering and death do not have the final say in his life or mine. We are both born anew.

Blessings to all who have walked these holy days with me.  May you also receive this unknowable promise that nothing, at all,  can separate us from the love of God.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Day 43: Betrayal

I've spent the day reflecting on the last supper. Usually I focus my thoughts on the servanthood of Jesus,  his words, the layers of meaning in the bread and wine.  Today,  what has captured me is the betrayal.

Betrayal is one of those offenses hardest to forgive.  It rolls around and around in our minds.  Even small betrayals  capture so much off our emotional focus...

getting "thrown under the bus" at work, 

friends siding with other friends instead of us

family disputes, 

a breakup,  

a divorce... 

These things break us in deep places. 

To love or to trust and then to be hurt pushes us to build bigger walls, stronger defenses.  Trust doesn't come so easily the next time around.The betrayals of our lives carve themselves as permanent scars in our identity. But do they have to?

Jesus knew Judas would betray him.  Literally hand him over to death for money.  Ultimate betrayal. Did he know just at the time of the last supper or did he know the moment he met Judas?

Does Jesus have anything to say to us in the midst of or own betrayals? He is often quoted "Love your enemies." Did he feel this in his deepest gut looking over to the friend who he truly loved but knew would eventually betray.

Jesus doesn't offer easy lessons.  His way is wrought with pain and danger. Yet... hope. Is there some greater hope that comes from choosing to walk side by side with those who will tear us down? 

I don't believe that Jesus would advocate for people to stay in abusive relationships or to seek out danger intentionally. I think rather the call is to love deeply and live fully.  Bravely. To not let the fear of being hurt dim your light.  Or to shrink back from who you are called to be because there is a Judas at your work or church or school or neighborhood. The world needs your light. Love on and know Jesus can heal our wounds.  They don't have the final word. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Day 42: I may have finally run out of things to say

I have been searching my heart for insights for the last 40 days.  If I am to be completely honest,  I think I've run out of things to say.

Reflecting on the day,  it was any ordinary day.  The boys were squirrelly so I turned on meditative music and did some night time yoga to quiet thier bodies.  They laid in bed and I talked them through a guided mediation to imagine that thier beds were clouds and they were drifting over the earth and gently raining on flowers below.  They snuggled into bed.  I grabbed my phone to write this post.

Nothing really came to me.  Silence.  Watch the boys settle into bed. Listen to the waves and flutes from the meditative music softly playing in the background.  The soft glow of the lamp. No words really. 

"Be still and know that I am God."

On many days when words or faith or life fail me,  I come back to these words. They are short and simple but they carry a very deep promise.

So tonight,  as my little guys drift off to sleep,  I will work to still my busy body and busy mind 

to just be still

and know...

That

God
Is
God.

Amen.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Day 41: For some reason I am not cranky today

Every day I feel myself softening. I've been rigid, a bit defensive,  self conscious. But as holy week sets in I've found myself melting into it.

I've stepped up my disciplines a bit and gave up diet soda  among other things which has been a guilty pleasure for the past few years.  Sweet.  Caffienated. Calorie free.  Bubbles to make me feel full when I've been on a diet. Of course, my body feels the effect.  I've not been sleeping due to coughing and children... so I'm tired. Add a mild headache. Hectic day and really I should be at my knees. But I have a strange sense of "this too shall pass. "

I've been thinking about major decisions I have to make for the boys.  I have two IEP  meetings coming up where I need wisdom to advocate the best next step for each of them.  There are lots of uncertain things just in front of me.  But somehow,  I'm finding it possible to let go of the wheel and take in the future that finds me.

The humble part is still a work in progress.  I still have nice long self righteous rants in my mind but they are shorter and less frequent. I haven't found resolution but somehow I'm able to dance to the unresolved cords in my life.  Maybe it's jazz, maybe improv... or some kid is banging on a piano.  Whatever the case,  I've made my peace with it recognizing that for a while life will be a bit uncomfortable.  Tired.  Headache.  Uncertainty.  Too many decisions. Not enough space to think things through.  Coughing.  Cranky children. I can recognize these things are part of life and God will go forth as a pillar before me.  My job is to put one foot in font of the other and follow.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Day 40: Preparing my heart to baptize baby Miles

There is an ancient tradition in the church to baptize new believers at the Easter vigil service following a long journey through Lent where they learn the tenants of faith.  At the vigil,  there is this incredible moment where dark become light. The water covers us and we are sealed in promise of the cross and the resurrection.

My first lent in California altered my life in ways that I would have never imagined. Ulrich and I were dating and together we dove deep into our faith.  He ended up proposing as the sun rose on Easter morning ten years ago from yesterday. And still, our lives find fresh rhythm and meaning each year during this holy season. 

It has only felt proper to baptize each of my boys at this time of year and use the season of lent to reflect on my journey with them to the water.  This year,  I travel with Miles.

The season of lent is hard on a mommy heart.  It starts with ash Wednesday. Placing that dark mark on his little chubby face and confronting that fact that he too will one day return to dust. Ultimately,  I cannot protect him from suffering or death as much as every cell in my body fights against this.

As we journey forward,  I reflected on the faith I will hand to him.  God,  purpose,  eternity, death,  light,  law,  right and wrong... The easy stuff... I think that kids learn most of what they know by watching. They see what we say under our breath. They internalize our stress. They imitate or actions.  Day in and day out.  How I spend my time,  the words I choose to narrate our story, my gut reactions that betray what I really think and feel.

This is a monumental task. At some point during lent,  it breaks me.  I cannot be the perfect guide for my boys.  Some of the stumbling blocks on their path may come from deep flaws in my broken human self.

So I bring Miles to the water, like I brought his brother's before, to realize that he is not mine.  God has a path and a plan for his life. By grace,  God will use me in my brokenness to guide his young life.  The water is a promise to him and to me that there no place he can go that is beyond the reach of God's incredible love. No matter what life brings,  I will cling to that promise for each of my boys

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Day 39: How hosanna changed into crucify him....

Palm Sunday is the start of Holy Week.  As a child I found it confusing that people could greet Jesus with a royal parade then turn around and hang him on a tree a few days later. Now that I've lived a few years and watched news unfold it's a bit more understandable. Just think of hero's turned villain and vice versa as "more facts are uncovered..."

I'm not a biblical historian but piecing together a number of great sermons (including one from this morning) and bible studies,  here's my take on Palm Sunday and the passion that followed.

Jesus lived during a bit of a cultural renaissance for the Jewish people.  Various captivities had led to a dark age. But in the years prior to Jesus birth there was a return to the scripture and the law.  The temple was rededicated .  Israel was on track to return to the era of King David.  Except...Rome. Rome was huge. 

There would not be freedom for Israel unless God appointed a new Moses. The Messiah who would usher in a long awaited never ending peace.

Jesus was positioned to be the Messiah they long waited for.  He performed miracles. He spoke as one who spoke to God.  It seemed to be coming together. The Messiah must have come.  It was Passover, the celebration of freedom,  when Jesus rode into town on a colt. He was The spitting image of the Messiah described in scriptures.  Full of hope,  people took to the streets. Finally, God has come to set us free.

But Jesus preached a different freedom.  Water that you drink where you'll never thirst again.  Freedom that transcends the human condition.  Beyond oppression, violence,  physical or mental ailment.  Freedom. This freedom is hard to nail down. What does it even mean? How can you be free if you are sill oppressed? Is it madness? Is Jesus a lunatic?

It struck a strong nerve. This was definitively not the Messiah they had been waiting for.  Not the way the story was supposed to end. Confusion turned to fear. Fear turned to anger.  Anger turned to hate. Sound familiar? It is the story of humanity. We grasp at things to try to control.  To create safety.  To make happily ever after.  When things don't go to plan we get scared and sometimes we lash out. Every "ism" we see is an echo of this same script.

But.... The freedom is there.   Jesus rode on.

Each Palm Sunday I challenge myself to consider what I truly hope for as he rides by. Do I seek freedom created but force or freedom created by love?

As I enter into this holy of weeks,  I have to seek to lay down my weapons and re-embrace the way of the cross. Not to create a life around pushing my way to the front of the line but to accept that grace offers freedom even (maybe especially) in moments of weakness and humility.

Day 38: Preparing for Passover

There is a lot of debate among both Christians and Jews about the role of Passover in the Christian faith.  There are some who see the two religions as world's apart with separate stories and traditions. There are others who see Christianity born out of the Jewish story.  I stand in the latter camp.  For me,  my faith takes on a richer hue and depth if I consider that the story began with Abraham rather than Jesus.

Passover and Easter are intertwined.  They are parts of the same story. God offering freedom to humanity from those things that enslave us. The first Passover was a literal freedom from slavery.  Like Africans brought to slavery in the old south,  Israelites found themselves enslaved in Egypt. Thier suffering grew from generation to generation until God appointed the unlikely character of Moses to lead them out of Egypt back to thier homeland.  God freed the Israelites but sending plagues to the Egyptians, but He passed over the homes of the Israelites. After they were free,  He commanded them to remember the exodus from Egypt by celebrating Passover each year.

And they do.

On Monday night, in Jewish homes around the world they will gather and retell the story of freedom. And they remember that God is able to free is from those things that enslave us today. 

I've read some amazing Hagadahs. Beautiful liturgies that celebrate the freedom God offers. Times that I have been invited to the table have filled my heart with hope.  And so my heart lifts up those who are running around this weekend to prepare.  May this blessed meal remind you of who you are and who leads you into freedom.

Friday, April 7, 2017

Day 37: Far from home

After a long day,  I curled up on the couch to watch American Tail with Eddie. It's interesting to watch movies from childhood as an adult. Fievel was a Jewish mouse escaping Russia to the hope and promise of new life in America. As I watched,  I couldn't help but reflecton the experience of the immigrant. Why do people leave everything behind to search for a new life? For riches,  for freedom, to offer something better to their children? Is it love?

Life as an immigrant is marked with letting go and holding on, vivid uncertainty and intentional hope. The story of faith may be best told through the perspective of an immigrant.  From the exit out of Eden,  we have been looking for home.  Abraham was called into faith through his feet.  To pick up from a nice settled life and go.  No destination.  No planning.  Just go. Generation after generation that followed continued to cross the wilderness with the same hope and faith that guided their forefathers.

We are nearing Passover which captures the heart of this human journey to hope.  God offers freedom.  We respond with courage to leave what we know to embrace our faith,  our freedom and our hope.  God rains down bread for the journey. The story is one of trust and redemption.  Freedom to embrace hope. Take the shackles off my feet,  so I can dance.

It sounds good,  but it is hard to leave the life we know for the promise of something better. Even when the life we know isn't all that great.  It is scary to guess what dangers may lie on the open road or worry that we might lack nourishment. We want life to be safe and easy.

This country was built by immigrants.  And still is.  We are surrounded by people who were brave enough to hope for a better future.  They let go of the familiar to embrace courage to venture into the unknown. My own story is born from past generations of immigrants and entrepreneurs.  I'm feeling emboldened by their spirit that I can venture into the wild spaces of my life to unknown destinations. I can carry hope like a candle to light up those dark places in my world. By faith,  I trust God will join me on the path ahead.  

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Day 36: New life

I'm in a season where I know that life is evolving. Kids are growing into new phases. Company is growing into a new phase. And I am listening to hear what my call might be in this new season.

Lent has been an invitation to set down my struggle and my preconceived notions about what I am supposed to do and be and simply listen.  An invitation to allow my heart to be carved and shaped into the next form filled with new passion to ignite love into action.

It's been hard to calm myself and make space for a new season. I had gotten into a groove. I knew what my kids needed and what my business needed  and I juggled those things.  I wasn't perfect and it was a huge sacrifice but I  knew what battles I was fighting. I was confident about the ground I stood on.

As life has evolved, I find myself in new territory. It's harder to know where and how to focus my energy. I can feel transition happening but I can't nail it down.  So quieting the "doer" to listen to my life and to feel the spirit blow in and around me, is a discipline that is more easily said than done most of the time. But it is reconnecting me with the deepest reasons for why I do what I do. It's testing my faith to trust who I am meant to become tomorrow by letting go of who I am today.

"Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

Letting go of who you are to be transformed is terrifying.  You can't control the process or the outcome.  You might fail.  People might not respect you.  People might reject the new person you are becoming.  For me,  there is uncertainty in how my roles both professional and as mother will evolve. Given my already tender heart on the subject opening myself to change exposes all my vulnerability. But I must. 

So I will come to the cross and lay down what I know, to pick up new direction for focusing The energy of my heart.  The seasons of Easter and Pentecost often bring an awakening of my soul after the silent discipline of lent. I look forward to seeing new vision take shape in my life.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Day 35: Preparing for a journey to the cross

Grief. Days. Weeks. Months.  Endless.  An ocean on all sides. Waves of self dialog toss you about. Anger. Negotiation.  What if.  Why.  What for?

Grief finds us for many reasons.  Death,  particularly sudden death may be the grief we are most familiar with.  Any major loss or change can bring on a form of grief.  Losing your job,  your hair, a relationship,  a dream of what you could have been, a piece of who you are. We grapple with the unknown and mourn the brokenness.... and when you are in it the sea looks vast with no sign of land.

But grief doesn't have to have the final word.  Good Friday is perhaps the darkest day of the year. It is a day of grief.  Light died.  The world was dark and there was no end to the darkness. A painfully bright light pierced the darkness of eternal grief creating space for hope.

As Holy Week comes we have an opportunity to search our hearts for the broken pieces.  To embrace the endless sea of grief for those who have left us,  for broken dreams and broken relationships, for the pieces of us that have died inside. Gather it up and journey to the cross where the darkness is overpowering and no hurt is exempt. No pain too large. Set it there at the foot of the cross.

"It is finished"

A redemption larger than we can grasp.  Words that calm the hurricane of our grief. The stillness that follows... numbing.

We wait in the stillness,  the darkness.

Early morning Easter comes with a new light,  an undefeatable hope.

May your journey to the cross and beyond be a source of healing for you as it is for me.  Slowly and painfully,  I search my heart for all the things I need to set down at the cross and prayerfully ask for the grace to enter into the promise that lies there.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

Day 34: what's next... haven't a clue

I wee talking with my little brother about next steps in his career.  He is thinking about going back to school and trying to figure out how to figure out his next step. "Knock on lots of doors. " I tell him.  "You never know what will open up."

Like me he is lead by passion and good at lots of things.  He's using his head and his heart to try to think about the long game. It's a good exercise,  but life doesn't give you the long game.  It's a mystery.  I didn't set out to build a sperm company.  It came to me.  So did motherhood,  graduate school,  Haiti... in fact every major thing I've done in my life had found me rather than the other way around.

I listened to him.  I heard myself 10 years ago. I wanted the right path to optimize the change I could make in the world.  i still wonder where God is leading me.  I've made so many left turns that I can't really remember how I got here or where  headed next.  Part of my goal for this lent was to step back and reconsider where God is calling me to direct my energy right now and moving forward.  To stop and listen and feel to see if I can sense the spirit moving in or around me.

It's an eery calm. I don't feel the wind anywhere but I did feel like I've been blown apart.  I guess that's lent. Rounding the corner to holy week. It gets real before Easter and I ask myself.  "What has to die before Easter can come? "

Easter is the promise of new life. New hope.  Easter is a holy mystery that I wrestle with and cling to.  But Easter resides on the far side of holy week.  The passion. Suffering.  Betrayal. Death. Why does Gods promise lie past such things. Because nothing is too far from God to redeem. 

Monday, April 3, 2017

Day 33: The human heart is fragile

Today,  a small comment hurt my feelings. And so,  I've been reflecting on the condition of the human heart.

Our hearts are fragile,  so we built up defenses. As children entering the social world we experience rejection. The first crush that doesn't reciprocate,  kids that tease us, bullies,  teachers.  We discover the parts of ourselves that the world doesn't accept and we become sensitive and vulnerable.

With time,  we either bury, defeat or accept those parts of us that imperfect.  For a long time,  my challenge was body image.  I remember hating so much of my body.  Comments about how I looked sent me heart down a path of tenderness as they turned over and over in my head.  I wrestled hard with my health and my body.  I lost weight. I grew strong. 

I remember clearly the first time I looked at myself and was proud of who I was.  Now,  I still wrestle with weight and my body (4 kids does that) but I know what I can be and that weight doesn't define who I am,  it's a reflection of life. Because of that,  I have a much thicker skin about my body. Random comments from children about stretch marks or tummy rolls don't bother me.  I am honest with myself about where I am and can let comments roll off my back (more or less).

However,  I realized in my reflection today that I am not secure with my ability to balance motherhood and work.  Particularly my inability to be what I know I can be at work. I've always been an overachiever did this is hard for me. Whenever I've missed on performance I've buckled down and worked harder. You climb mountains by putting one foot in front of the other.   

For the last several years I've taken a lot of heat and made a lot of sacrifices to be a working mom. I've had to calculate who to disappoint to keep my kids in the right place on my list of priorities. I've had to swallow days where I've fed my kids fast food and throw them in front of a screen so I could get work done.  I've had to miss opportunities to "lean in" or "get myself out there" and therefore don't get recognition for my contributions.  I've learned how to prioritize only the most important things in each sphere and let go of things that matter less. Sometimes that means sowing up to a meeting completely unprepared or missing an important email in your inbox out not responding to Mr important with enough care or not doing enough homework on a subject and looking like an asshole. These types of things leave me wide open for criticism. I can't do it all and it shows.

All this calculated, sub optimal work has made me entirely vulnerable. I know so many things that I've done poorly or left undone that I can't help but feel bad about it. It feels like being fat, and even small comments go straight to the tender part of my heart and sting. 

My kids are young.  They need me.  I don't sleep many nights. I know I'm not going to be as good at work right now as I will be someday when mothering requires as much of my heart but much less of my body and time. But it doesn't make it any easier to let go of my hurt feelings about it.

God knows our vulnerabilities and is able to use our weaknesses. The entire history of judaio Christian faith is built on fundamentally flawed characters.   Abraham,  the father of faith,  afraid to speak truth.  Moses,  God's chosen to deliver freedom,  was an outcast and couldn't speak to crowds.   David, God's beloved,  had terrible affairs. Peter,  the rock of the early church,  deserted Jesus in his darkest moment.

I wish I could just suck it up and stop being so damn vulnerable.  But I rest hopeful that maybe my vulnerability and weakness is useful to God. My inability to be everything I want to be creates an opportunity for grace in my life, a dependence that God will fill the gap and use my life dispite or even because of my limitations.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Day 32: Finding Sabboth

And on the seventh day,  God rested.

Sabboth is an important gift. Stopping, resting,  renewing. We need Sabboth.

The last few years I've had to jump from one thing to the next with very little space for holy rest.  It's the season of life that I'm in. 

I've found creative ways to make that space.  Trips to the beach, giving the kids hoses and letting them run free in the backyard,  taking a jog after preschool drop off. But the past couple days,  God has called me to a deeper rest. Traveling away from the children, my intention was to work like crazy. But my purpose of coning here was to connect.  Connecting with humans is not something you can cram into minutes and seconds or check off a list. It comes from creating space to be present.

So I've given myself permission to be present.... and Sabboth finds me.  A woman invited me to yoga out if the blue. I shared drinks with folks well into the night. I learned things... and I find myself with new energy.

Sometimes when you are busy,  you really need rest.  It allows you to reconnect with who you are and where you are going. Thanks, God,  for helping me find Sabboth.

Friday, March 31, 2017

Day 31: A very short course in miracles

Today I found God speaking directly to a part of me that has long struggled in faith. What to think about miracles... Miracles are those amazing stories of coincidence that it too perfect to actually be coincidence. Change that is unexplainable. Healing that defies medicine.

When I was younger, I was amazed by miracles. There were things that I saw or heard that could only really be explained as miracles. At that point, my faith was relatively simple. Miracles happened, and so, I knew that God was. I knew there was more to God. But for me, miracles were a sort of proof. A measuring stick that I used to understand faith.

As I grew older, I saw life with less innocence and more nuance. I saw that miracles didn't always happen, no matter how faithful the prayers. I had a hard time reconciling my faith. There were more questions than answers.

Does God even exist - have I been making this all up in my mind?
Are miracles real or are they really just coincidences?
When and why does God show up and intervene in our lives?
How do we pray when we want God to show up?
What if God is silent? Why does God choose to withdraw the Spirit from us?

Today I think I've made some headway on these questions...

We ask for miracles often as a freedom from suffering. Healing, resources we don't have, angels to protect us. But I think God sees miracles as a moment to interject a lesson into someone's faith walk to catalyze change. God, I think, uses miracles to alter the course of our lives. As a sign or a guidepost for the path we are meant to walk. When I think of miracles in my own life or in the lives of people I know, they are holy moments that are life defining, path defining, call defining. Miracles give us conviction to be light.

When I think of it this way, I feel more certain about how to think about my prayers in situations where I want God to intervene. I feel compelled to pray for spiritual eyes. To see situations from the vantage point of faith. Maybe I should ask less about healing so and so and more ask that God be present in their path and guide them to the next part of their walk. I can't know their walk. I can't know how God should intervene but with faith, I can trust that even in silence, God is present and working.

Drawing us along our path doesn't always ease our suffering. In fact, sometimes the suffering is a refinement that molds us into what we can become. Sometimes it pushes us away from places we are not meant to go.

I know that I will probably struggle with these questions for a long time as I continue to mature in my walk. But I find a deep joy in recognizing that miracles are everywhere, all around me. Working to set people on courses where they can become who they were meant to be. And that miracles continue to be possible in my life.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

Day 30: When God ride shares an Uber

Being a mom is kind of like hibernating.  You go into a cave and come out 18 years later. The world changes while you are away.  Leaving my littles behind and flying solo on a business trip is a tiny break in my otherwise hopeless disconnect from the world of adults. Today I rode my first Uber,  ate sushi at a hip young place and walked the streets of downtown Vancouver.

God decided to join me.  I piled into the Uber, a little late and a lot flustered as babies cried with small hands pressed against the front window.  We were on our way to SFO, an hour ride from my house.  After I settled in and let the stress  fall away the driver started on small talk. We talked about my trip, my business,  my kids,  his family and how he liked being a driver.  The conversion was natural and light and he asked more about my life and we eventually ended up on the subject of faith.

We spent nearly 45 minutes discussing world's religions and the similarities and differences between them.  God, natural truth and the inability to discern truth about God with the limited mind of a human being. The conversation was deep and wide. And in the largeness of it I felt like God was riding with us.  Like a road to Emmaus.

It was a conviction of a faith I hold so close. One full of contradictions,  absolute truths and nuanced interpretations. And I realized that even as I parent each of my children differently,  knowing their strengths and limitations,  needs and desires. So does God parent each of us differently. Our journey is our own. And so God comes to us in the way we can best receive. Sometimes,  that includes ride sharing an Uber.

Day 29: Kissing my babies before I head out the door

I am taking my first solo trip since 2013. I am headed to Vancouver for a few nights to attend a conference on fertility and Chinese medicine. 

For the past 4 years,  there have been very few nights that I've slept without a baby snuggled into me.  Rocking Miles, I think I will miss him most.  We've never been apart. It will be hard for both of us. But everything will be ok.

Faith is trust.  I trust that my guys will be fine while I'm gone. I know in my heart that it's ok to leave them even if they cry at the door while I walk away. (I really hate that part).

Faith in God is that way too. A trust.  A confidence. Something you know in your heart even when circumstances dictate otherwise.  God is love.  God is present.  Even when it feels that he is silent and distant. (I also really hate that part).

Faith comes from relationship.  I know my boys are ok because I know them in and out.  I know that they feel safe and secure and have inner strength to thrive with a few independent days.  Only my intuition as a mother lets me know that. My confidence is borne from my experience in loving them.

My experience with God comes from a path long walked together.  I know God because I've walked with God.  The path has had ups and downs, moments of closeness and distance.  But,  my children are confident because they know I will be there when they need me.  I am confident that the Spirit is present with me and will give me peace in moments where I need it most.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Day 28: Autism speaks

Today was an "autism" day. We've made so much progress over the past few years that I don't have that many of them anymore.  But today wad a solid reminder of the path we've journeyed.

Autism is hard on moms.  If you take a normal tantrum and amplify it ten fold then also multiply the number of "triggers" by ten.  That might be baseline for an autism mom.  When it's bad,  we don't want to breathe the wrong way because it's exhausting.  And it's so hard to see your kid unable to cope with a world that scratches him like sandpaper. You can't fix him. You can't change the world and you feel like a failure as a mother.

Today involved spitting on multiple people,  multiple changes of clothing,   and endless refocusing. I have a handful of tricks that I've mastered like a Jedi to combat days like this.  But today.... autism won. I'm exhausted.

"I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

There were so many nights that I stayed up with Andrew helping him fight back thoughts and fears that wouldn't let him sleep.  So many hours that I sat hopeless on the floor with Philip watching him space out and wondering if he would ever call me mom.  I armed up the best I could with knowledge,  resources,  whatever I could get my hands on.  But ultimately,  I resolved that I couldn't beat down autism. And I had to place my hope in..."my power is made perfect in weakness"

Together.  Love, faith and baby steps, we've come a long way. I am humbled and grateful to see how well they are all doing.  But the thorn is still there.  It always will be.  But that is ok.  God's power is made perfect in weakness and his grace is sufficient for us. Days like today are a good reminder of that.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Day 27: Who is Jesus?

The lectionary is a set of readings for each Sunday of the year.  During the season of lent, the gospel lesson focuses on the heart of Christian faith as the season initially was a period for new believers to learn the faith in preparation for baptism at the Easter vigil.

I've come to love this ancient tradition and have baptised each of my boys at Easter using lent as a period to reassess my faith and come back to the basics.

Who is Jesus? What did he teach? Who or what is God? How does Jesus relate to God? What does this mean for my life?

This year's Lenten readings are my favorite.  To me,  they best illustrate the heart of Jesus and the essence of Christian faith. In each story, Jesus meets someone. One on one. Alone. In the midst of their reality and invites them to a fundamental change. 

Nicodemus, a religious teacher comes at night with deep questions about faith.  Jesus says let go of what you think you know and start over with your assumptions.  

An outcast woman comes with a broken life.  Jesus says God accepts you, find wholeness.  

A blind man comes as an object lesson in how God punishes people by causing misery.  Jesus says God cannot be nailed down and grace is bigger then human wisdom. 

Lazarus sisters come with tears that thier brother has died.  Jesus says God is bigger than death.

Here's what I've learned about Jesus:

Jesus hangs out with people that no one likes. Jesus makes a point of punching holes in stereotypes. He is clear that there is a chair at the table for everyone.

But his way is not easy. He cuts to the heart of what you will and won't let go of in life and asks you trust him as he leads you completely out of your comfort zone. Following Jesus means being ready to make sacrifices.  Jesus walked the road of sacrifice and ultimately love had the final say. 

Jesus is difficult and confusing. 

There is a veil that separates us from fully understanding God. Jesus is perhaps our best window into the heart of God. We wrestle with Jesus hoping to find a way to pin down God.  But God cannot be pinned down. God is unknowable. 

Faith is coming back again and again to be reshaped by our encounters with God trusting that our limited vision will someday be made complete.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Day 26: Patience... kids pushing me to the edge

I had a clear plan for the evening.  We had gone for a long walk and purchased dough to make pizzas and some craft supplies for a project we had been meaning to do.  The plan was to make pizza then while it was baking, do the craft. Eat dinner,  then cuddle on the couch for a movie.

It didn't happen that way. Well,  it kind of did. Everything took much longer than expected so we went from dinner straight to bed.  There was spilled paint, flour on everything, water dumped on the floor, a crying baby for extra color and lots of quarreling along siblings along the way.

I yelled more than I wanted to. I didn't stay in a bad mood,  I was able to recover and enjoy a mostly pleasant evening despite some pretty epic fails but there were several brief moments where I lost my temper. 

I'm not exactly sure what separates moments when we can stay calm from ones where we lose it.  With our kids,  in our cars,  with our spouses,  at customer service.... There are moments that test us. Sometimes I am completely unrattled and others something inside breaks,  momentarily,  and I come unglued.

Ulrich rarely does.  I think in the 10 years we've been married he's lost his temper only a handful of times. But even with him,  the times where he has gotten visibly angry aren't necessarily the most stressful or provoking.  They seem like random moments when all the right elements were present to set him off.

One of the fruits of the spirit is self control. I do feel that faith has something to do with patience. I feel like I'm better at keeping it together when I'm more in touch with my faith.  But,  even then,  I'm not perfect.  Age seems to help.  The older I get, the more I find the humility to let things go. But like the rest of it,  I'm still a work in progress.

I always feel bad when I yell at the boys.  But I've found that it is a perfect opportunity to teach them grace. Even mommy isn't perfect.  Sometimes she gets frustrated too. Sometimes she needs a time out and she needs to say sorry. And mommy can get a do over,  and she can do it right the second time.  Being honest about my flaws with them creates safety for all of us to work on parts of ourselves that are weak as a family.  They can get do overs too. They can get it right on the next go round

Love does that.  Love accepts who you are and pushes you to be better.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Day 25: Content, but not satisfied

Life is good right now. It has its ups and downs. But zooming out from the day to day stresses,  I couldn't be more grateful. I am content.  My heart overflows with love and passion. 

I think as I've grown older I've learned to live more in the present.  Living in the present soaks in moments and memories.  Living in the present frees you from worrying about how things will turn out. By no means have I mastered the art of letting go of tomorrow but I've come a long way.   

In my 20s, I spent so much time worrying and wondering about the future:

what I would be,  

if I would marry,  

if I would have children.  

I was building a plan but life came along and changed everything. 22 year old me would not believe it If you told her that she would eventually live in northern California,  marry a scientist,  have 4 sons and start a sperm company.  I'm not sure which one of those things would have been the most surprising,  but I can tell you that none of them were on my life plan.

As life has unfolded,  I've come to accept that the future is a mystery,  unknown and yet to be shaped. The best way to build a better tomorrow is to wrestle with problems today rather then ponder a theoretical future... In short to  be dissatisfied.  I am content but I am far from satisfied.

The world is full of things that need changing.  Problems are complicated and they shift slightly day by day as we as a human race collectively struggle to evolve.  Sometimes we take steps forward,  sometimes we back track.

Living in the present,  we are able to see where the world's problems intersects with our life trajectory. Being dissatisfied gives us the motivation and the courage to take action when any opportunity to facilitate change that the world needs crosses your path. Faith is trust that there is a greater force that you can tap into.

And God will be there.

When the spirit blows you find yourself with more courage than you have on your own. More wisdom.  More strength. ... More of everything you need to be the change you are being invited to be. 

Friday, March 24, 2017

Day 24: I was brave and the crowd went wild

Public speaking normally doesn't bother me. Most of the time it energizes me.  But today I was in a pitch competition and it tied knots in my stomach.

5 minute pitches are one of the dark arts of silicon valley.  Every word is calculated and bares weight. The pitch is memorized but must come off as authentic and natural. I haven't pitched in a long time.  So stepping up to this plate felt like a piano recital where I was reading the music for the first time. 

I got a pitch coach to get some feedback.  He chewed me up and spit me out.  I was nervous that I didn't have enough time to prepare and considered backing out. Besides,  I had lots of other important work to do. Was it really worth all the energy that I knew it would take. 

All week, I repeated my words in the car as I drove.  Adding a word here,  removing one there.  Repeating phrases until they fell off my tongue naturally. The day came.  I knew I wouldn't embarrass us but I also knew thatI didn't have it down quite yet. 

I was sitting in the seat waiting for my turn.   I've been tracking my heart rate with an app on my phone.  I was curious if the nervousness had an impact on my body.  My normal resting heart rate is around 60. It was at 112. Similar to what it looks like after a run. I took some breathes. I tried to let it pass.  I repeated key phrases under my breath. 

The big moment came.  Music came on, my name was announced and I stepped on stage. 3 slides in people started laughing unintentionally turning one of my sentences into a really fun pun.  I stopped and said to everyone "Ha, that is a pretty funny pun. " From that moment my script blended with improvizational light heartedness and being on stage felt easy.  I let go of worrying about how calculated my words were and started cracking jokes making my business more approachable. People were listening.  They were laughing.  Afterwards they came up to me and talked all about what we were doing. They heard the message.  They understood it. Investors congratulated me and asked me to come pitch at their offices. 

I think sometimes in life, we try too hard.  Being brave sometimes just means showing up,  even if you don't know how it is going to go.  I could have crashed and burned. But I decided to be brave anyway. 

Faith is courage of the heart.  Believing is showing up with trust even when you can't see clearly the next step ahead. It is easier to turn back than to step into the unknown. 

Faith builds character and perseverance. We get up on stage even if we don't know what we are going say. We follow God into the desert even if we don't know where we are going. We let go of control and live in an uncomfortable place of wondering "what now"  Faith builds hope.  Hope is a light that pierces darkness in our world.

So stand up and get on stage. Take that step.  Follow that call.  Wrestle with God. The world needs all the light it can get and we find our light when we are brave enough to look.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Day 23: Inefficiency

Life is inefficient and sometimes that drives me crazy.  Life is full of relationships.  People have emotions.  Emotions create friction. Friction uses up energy that could be directed towards accomplishing a goal.

Faith is also inefficient.  It is not a destination but a journey.  Sometimes that really bothers me.  Why can't I just have a goal and do it well.  All this learning and humility and wrestling unanswerable questions feels like a waste of time.  It's an internal friction that uses up your energy. It's hard to achieve things when your thoughts rolling over and over things that are hard. Especially letting go of pride. It's such a hard fight... "but i need to stand up for me... I matter...I deserve this... i need to let go.  . I should forgive... i should love " the record rolls on and on and we fight our inner selves.

It's easy to value efficiency.  Getting things done.  Moving life forward.  The hidden work of faith is harder to recognize. What can you accomplish by finally letting go and accepting faith? Meaning in life doesn't come only from the walls we build or the number of beans we count.  It comes from the lives we touch,  the love we give and receive, and the flaws we overcome.

So as I get worked up over how much time I'm "wasting" on "relationships" and "self growth" I remind myself that life is a journey.  God calls me to walk it,  not to achieve it.  One way or another I reach the other end and who I am will be more important than what I've achieved.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Day 22: Miles is learning to crawl

They say you have to crawl before you walk.

Anyone who has spent a good amount of time with babies can tell you that they would much rather walk than crawl and that leaning to crawl may  be one of the most frustrating experiences in the planet. 

Miles is right there.  He wants to move.  He understands that he is limited by his inability to move and yet he can't quite figure it out. In fact,  I think his frustration is slowing down his progress. Rather than systematically exploring how each of his limbs works, he flails them all at once and spends a whole lot of energy moving no where.

Watching him from the outside is amusing.  He contorts his body in the funniest ways and often ends up with a giant faceplant. Luckily, he's a pretty good sport and looks up at me,  half crying and half laughing with his toothy grin.

I soak in the moments watching him.  He will soon be running with his brothers.  And as I watch him try and try again, I start to think that faith looks at lot like learning to crawl.

Flail. Face plant.  Panic.  Flail again.  Stop. Look around. Realize  I haven't even moved. And we would all much rather walk,  better yet,  run.

I seem to learn a lot of the same lessons again and again... patience,  humility,  perseverance, trust,  letting go,  love. I think I have them down,  but practicing them all at once looks like an uncoordinated attempt at grace.

And I think God watches me like I watch Miles. Mildly amused and rooting for me, knowing one day I'll eventually figure it out.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Day 21: Man up

It's ironic that it is the first day of spring.  It felt like winter was trying to grip it's fingers into my soul and push back the be life that is starting to take root.

It was a hard day. To be honest,  I'd much rather knock back a beer than sit here and write this blog.  Work sucked. The kids sucked.  Friends called with horrifically shitty days. I've scratched my head for the last hour or so wondering what I could write about.

I thought about a particular friend who is facing rough times.  She called today with bad news.  I had nothing particularly uplifting to say. I don't have a crystal ball. I can't tell her everything will be ok. I don't think she was much in a space to be cheered up. Sometimes life hands you a shit ball.  Not much deep about it.  It just... sucks.

After thinking about it a while,  I texted her "Job's friends came and sat with him in the dirt while he suffered through it.  I just wanted to let you know, I'm sitting in the dirt with you. "

Remembering this as I was considering what to write today,  I looked up Job and smiled to read one of my all time favorite verses:

[God said] "Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer me. “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?"

Other translations say "gird up your loins."

Man up, Job.  If you want to enter into an argument with God,  you better have some big stones.

Where were you when I laid the earth's fountain?

Good point, God.

The whole following chapter is a verbal smack down by God basically putting humanity in it's place.  We,  don't know shit... basically. 

I like this verse (and chapter) on days like today because what do you say back to God? .... you can't respond with anything.  I feel like complaining about problems in my mortal,  limited life. And God doesn't come back with a soft response.  God says,  wanna complain.  Step up to the plate. 

No thanks.  I'll just assume you got this God.  Thanks for knocking sense into my head.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Day 20: Pressure to be perfect

There is so much pressure these days to be perfect. To have all the answers.  To be right.... and to do life in the best possible way.  After all,  we only have one shot and we shouldn't waste time messing it up.

We have to choose (and defend our choices) about career... because we absolutely have to have a life plan that is perfectly mapped out once we enter our 20s.  After all,  what is the first thing people ask a new graduate...Do you know what you are going to do with your life?We have to be in shape.  Eat well. Exercise regularly.   Keep our stress levels in check.  Have perfectly balanced friendships with the right people who will make us grow.  Heaven forbid there be any "drama" or "unhealthy relationships." Because if we communicate well enough and include and exclude people perfectly,  we shouldn't have to feel pain.  Manage our money well. Stay out of debt.  Pay off our debt. 

In short, we are all under a lot of pressure to have our shit together.

This is especially true when we become parents.  Not only can we not screw up our lives but we are also forever liable for not screwing up the lives of our kids. The pressure can be unreal. Moms everywhere internalize it.  We feel guilty for not making every moment perfect.  Guilty for not savoring those quirky "unperfect" moments that "won't last." Guilty for feeling guilty.  Then we yell at our kids and feel like absolute crap.

The internet has all the information we could ever need, so there is no reason for us to get it wrong .. i mean, just Google "the correct way to fold a fitted sheet." There is an optional,  best way to do everything from taxes to vacations to get the must out of it. This makes it hard to make decisions. Since there is a right answer, we have the responsibility to find it.  If we spend enough time doing research,  reading reviews and planning ahead, we could possibly not screw our lives up (or more importantly,  our kids lives. )

I feel this pressure.  I have fretted over exactly what each of my kids needed to be "most successful" in life. I've needed to make the "right" decisions to keep my business on track.  I've needed to organize my house and ideally,  if it could have Pinterest worthy storage labels,  that would be best.  I mean,  there has to be a "cute" way to organize my junk drawer,  right?!?  I even feel immensely responsible to "make weekends count" .... to rest well enough and deep enough, to make make memories, to fill my kids cups. Not to mention all the social pressure to be more involved with school and church,  send out Christmas cards and connect with all the people I love on a regular basis.

I can't do it.  One way or another life doesn't add up.  Work - life balance swings towards work,  then towards life,  never settling in the middle.  I constantly organize and reorganize our house. Purging and simplifying. I cut things from my schedule.  I try not to do to much. I try to do enough. I try.  I try. I try.  Then, I look up from  helping with homework to realize I've burnt dinner . Defeated,  I turn on a movie and feed my kids cheese-its.

If life has taught me anything,  it's taught me that I can't live it perfectly.

If God has taught me anything,  it's that the gap between the perfect life I want and my inability to create it is...faith.

Faith doesn't remove consequences from our lives.  But it is a trust that God will be present with us,  no matter what....
and..
God will use us with our imperfections.

We can turn left or right and it will be ok because faith is a journey of many roads.  There isn't one perfect path that we have to follow to finish life without regret. It can be terrifying to let go and live with faith.  What if I get old and realize that out wasn't the right path? I can't undo life once I've lived it.

By letting go of the outcome, I can focus on the journey. If I don't worry about having a perfect vacation,  I can be open to the road and enjoy the scenery.   If I don't worry about living the perfect life,  I can be open to the life God has set before me.  Lent is a good time to remind myself of this and let myself off the hook.

"My burden is light and my yoke is easy..."

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Day 19: lead us not into temptation

(This reflection is from some days ago but it has been stirring around in my heart to find good words for it)

7:35am. "Come get my money. "

It was just starting to get light.  I had already been working a while.  For her,  I'm sure the night had bled into morning.  Slowly, I packed up my laptop. got into my car and drove across town. I waited in the parking lot. She handed me everything she had and I drove her somewhere to sleep off the demons from the night before.

Addiction is complicated.  Like autism, I think addiction is better described as a spectrum.  On one end lies strong biological addictions that require medical intervention because the withdraw is so powerful that it can literally kill you. On the far other side are all the little bad habits,  picking your nose,  biting your nails,  nervous tapping. Strong behavioral addictions that we don't even notice.  They bypass our will and run on auto pilot.

"Let he without sin,  cast the first stone. " I would wager that not one of us are completely free from addiction.  There are a million vices to calm us and try to fill the void.  Sex,  information,  food, facebook,  cigarettes,  caffiene, marijuana, alcohol, gambling,  shopping... They are all pacifiers when life overwhelms us.  We're all recovering.  It takes courage to admit that and to ask for help.

That morning, I might venture to say that my friend was the more faithful of the two of us.  Shining light into a dark place, she turned her back on temptation and choose mercy instead. Maybe during this season of redemption more of us can find courage to lay down our pacifiers.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

Day 18: Date Night

Tonight I went out to dinner with my better half.  We were completely lame and did exactly what most people would have expected us to do.  Talk about science and business models and raising our boys to become good men.  But we had a beer and calimari and listened to live music.  The weather was nice and we held hands and walked.

Sometimes love is simple and easy to understand. It's like your favorite jeans or jamming out in the car when your favorite song comes on the radio.  It's so easy to recognize. You look at it and say... that's love. It's especially easy to see in old couples who have been together forever.  There just something uncomplicated about it. Love.

That doesn't make it easy.  Being married to this man for nearly 10 years,  birthing 4 children and working together side by side at our startup has certainly had it's share of ups and downs.  Love also looks like forgiveness,  patience,  and acceptance.  It looks like sacrifice and commitment.  It looks like foolishness and a swallowing of your pride. Every day of working on it together is another layer adding to the depth. Until the give and take is seamless. One ends where the other begins.

The Christian view of God has a perfect relationship at the heart. If you take love to the fullest,  you end up with the Trinity. One but three. Three but one.  Love perfected.

God invites us into relationship.  Like marriage,  faith isn't easy.  Day by day letting go,  trusting,  growing,  listening,  praying. But it isn't a toil any more than marriage is.  When I look at people who have a deep,  mature faith,  I see the something similar to an old couple's love.... or like something that has been really well designed.  It's simple, majestic,  beautiful, easy and comfortable. We end where God begins and vice versa. Like my marriage,  my faith is still a work in progress. Some days easier than others.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Day 17: Earning a gold star

I've implemented a new program for my boys to help them grow in face of unique strengths and weaknesses.  It's basically a life version of boy scout badges. I bought little moleskin notebooks for each of them and have pages written up where they can earn stickers for completing tasks. If the page gets full of stickers over the course of days or weeks and they've mastered the skill,  they get a badge to display on the wall in thier room. 

We have badges for all sorts of things... getting dressed badge,  tooth brushing badge,  programming badge, chemistry badge, subtraction,  courage and taking care of baby... to name a few.

Tonight as they got ready for bed,  they were so motivated to earn stickers for thier books.  They quickly took off clothes, folded them and put them away.  Brushed teeth completely.  I watched them and smiled  (mostly feeling like a badass parent).

Then,  thinking about this post,  I thought about my day.  We don't really grow out of getting gold stars.  We need someone to tell us that we are doing a good job. The older we get,  the less people think to tell us that.  The more we have the responsibility for being the grown up and handing out stars to those around us. 

I thought about this because today I had several conversations where I felt that "here's your gold star" feeling.  Inside,  I was like a little kid jumping up and down with my artwork in hand. "You really really like it? ...Mom, mom,  did you hear that?!?... I did a good job. "

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable,  to recognize our need to be loved and accepted creates space for God to love us.  It creates space for gratitude when someone takes the time too recognize your human gifts and that can put a little oil in your lamp for nights that are long and dark. Today,  I got a little oil in my lamp. Praying for the grace to use it to burn a little brighter. God knows the world could use all the light we can muster. 

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Day 16: Letting Go

Sometimes we care so much about something it is hard to let it go.

It's not too often that I spend time on stuff that I don't care about.  I'm wired to breathe with purpose.  Each of us are made uniquely and one of my things is pouring my soul into stuff. At times,  I  tell myself to just do the minimum,  but I'm the guy with 87 pieces of flare.

One of the downsides of investing large amounts of energy into things is that they are not,  by nature sustainable.  Eventually,  a day comes when I have to let go of something I've poured my whole self into and watch it thrive or whither without my intervention. I used to be terrible at this.  My heart would break. Sometimes for days and months.  A form of grief.

These days,  I'm better at it, but I'm not sure I'll ever have the grace I see in other people. But I  can confidently say I've come a long way.  Letting go is the constant call of faith. Trusting an unknown future that you can't control.  Consequences are real. Sometimes things don't go to plan. But faith is leaning in and trusting in something unseen beyond the wins and fails of life.

I sit here in the dark room as my boys drift off to sleep.  One day,  I'll have to let go of them. Trusting I've given them what they need for their journey and that the rough patches and dark valleys that they will face are just as important as the mountain peaks. As much as I pour myself into helping them get off to a good start,  one day I'll turn responsibility over to them and I'll have to watch and probably pray that they choose gentler roads.

It makes me wonder if this journey requires faith on the part of God.  We have free will after all to choose any path.  As much as the spirit pours into us, God allows us to make bad choices. Somehow the essence of love is letting go of control and trusting deeply that all the love and passion you pour out takes root somewhere.

For me,  the loving part is easy.  The letting go will take me years to fully get right.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Day 15: Disjointed

My day was interrupted.  Things didn't go to plan and the day ended up being broken into lots of little bits of time which made it hard to achieve anything.

It takes time to wrap my head around a task or direction and by the time I did,  it was nearly time to move on to the next thing. As a society,  we value productivity and days like this can stick in my side and feel like I didn't get anything done.

Life with small children is inevitably full of starts and stops. Lost shoes,  diaper changes,  hungry, crying,  wanting a particular seat or cup or pair of socks. It can be endless. Some days,  I have endless patience. On those days, things seem to go smoother.  I preemptively think of all the small things and magically the day clicks. On others, I start off with a shorter fuse and by the 3rd ridiculous request I'm ready to lose it.

Patience seems tied with my own self well being.  When all is well,  patience come easier.  When I'm sick or hungry or tired or self doubting or feeling inadequate,  every little iterating thing feels like a major insult to my sanity.  I find that when I'm honest and name my deeper issue,  I can take a deep breathe and get a "do over. " If I think about it,  my shorter fuse days happen more often when I feel the need to be productive.  When I need to justify who I am by what I've achieved.

Unlike work,  love does not really require focus.  The 5 minutes here and there can be deeply meaningful if I allow it to be. If i can accept that this season in life has me on half-empty and worry less about what I'm achieving and more about how I'm connecting,  I find that days like this are more graceful. I am able to look back over them and celebrate moments where love showed up.  Ultimately,  the more moments like that we can find space to create,  however brief they may be, with our kids, our co-workers, strangers,  fill the gap that separates heaven from earth. The more we find ways to cast ourselves aside to act with patience and kindness, the more we live out the prayer..."Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Day 14: Why can't we freeze time?

Miles just hit hide 8th month. He's social, happy and on the verge of mobile.  I'm lying on the floor as I write this and he is desperately trying to climb over me.  I know what's right around the corner... crawling,  walking,  running... toddler.

Instinctively, I want to freeze time.  Tell him to slow down.  My heart is happy for the joyful baby he is and at same time grieving because I know how short his time as a baby will be. Mothers everywhere hold this guilt.  They try best they can to treasure up every moment with thier babies before they grow.  Older women tell you it's a blink of an eye and then they are gone.  Inside you panic.  You don't want them to be gone.  You don't want this amazing, wonderful gummy faced baby to grow up. 

Why? Why do we pull at time trying to keep it still? Jesus went up a mountain with Peter. On top of that mountain,  he was transformed and glowed with glory.  Moses and Elijah were there.  Peter had that very human instinct to try to freeze time. Let's just stay like this forever.... why not? It was perfect.  The world was whole and God was present.  Was there any reason not to stay?

But Jesus did not stay there.  He climbed down the mountain and rode on to Jerusalem. Directly into dark days he knew were coming.

Our children grow up.  Our lives change.  College glory days replaced with a mini van.  Noisy house replaced with retirement.  Seasons that bring each thier own joys and challenges.  God calls us to live the journey fully.  One step in front of the next.  As much as there are mountain tops where we would love to freeze time,  there are valleys to learn from and mountains beyond mountains to climb.

Miles will soon be a toddler. But today,  he is not.  He's a lovey little baby and so I soak up the cuddles while I can. I'll just have to trust God with the rest.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Day 13: Listening and being heard

I had a conversation that made me ponder what it feels like when someone is listening to you,  when your voice is heard.   I can't really think of anything that honors a human being more than giving them a voice and truly listening to what they have to say.

These days, I think we are trained to tune things out. Advertisements,  telemarketers... 1,000's of messages compete each day for our attention. So we master the art to selective listening. We must.  Our brains just can't process that much information. 

Politics of the day drive us deeper into holes, typecasting people on the other side of the fence. But telemarketers, political opponents and the like aside, how much do we really listen?... to our spouse,  our children, our co-workers, friends,  relatives? 

Personally,  I spend more time than I care to admit thinking about my responses while someone is still talking.... or synthesizing the conversation thinking that I've already gotten the jist of what they are trying to communicate. Or if i am going to be completely honest,  sometimes I tune out completely thinking about my to do list or major concern of the day.

What if, instead,  I just listened. Completely.  Fully.  What if I honored people I by making more space for them too be heard?  What if I amplified thier voice by creating opportunities for other people to listen? What if someone decided to do the same for me?

Jesus left us with a single command...

 love each other. 

I might make more progress on that if I set my own agenda aside.  If I stopped worrying so much about who was listening to me and truly set myself to the task of listening.