Day 7: Where the wind blows

 

"The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

Nicodemus came to Jesus at night because he had an itch. He saw something different in Jesus and he just had to know what was going on.  

The whole book of John is full of conversations of people who see Jesus and want to know what's up.  Then when they talk to Jesus, it reads like two people talking past each other. The conversation doesn't make any sense.  

One of my favorite ways to wrap my head around Jesus is the character of Aslan in the Narnia books. He appears and disappears. You think you can predict what he will do and then always they say,  " He isn't a tame lion. "

The more I follow Jesus,  the less I can explain in and the more it fits to say,  it is like the wind.  I can feel it.  I can hear it.  I can know it in my bones but I can not tell you where it comes from or where it goes. 

Today was an ordinary day and I scratched my head all day trying to find God. Trying to hear God speaking and what I might write about.  But I just felt an uneasy sense in my spirit.  Like the wilderness approaching,  but there wasn't anything to say.  I am just watching clouds roll in and I feel the air shift and smell that something that says rain is coming. The breeze feels like rain coming. I don't know how i can say what it is that makes me know rain is coming.  Sometimes it looks a lot like rain but it doesn't feel like rain. 

I pondered the fruit of the spirit that I wrote about yesterday and I thought,  well,  how is it that one cultivates a garden of faith? How do we draw close to God. Prayer,  scripture,  spiritual practices. I've written about these things a lot.  Hmm. I guess I should go looking for Jesus.  But will i find him?

I'll start with this week's gospel.  I can usually find Jesus when I try to write a sermon.  

Nicodemus.  John 3. This verse is so famous. I love it but I have read it so many times. There is not much new to say.  

But I read and watch the familiar scene unfold before my eyes.  I study it.  What do I say?

I love this line -- about the wind. It describes my faith so well.  But how can I write about it. I don't even understand it. It just is like that.  

It was getting ready to rain and I stood wondering how I knew that.  

Because, that's what its like before rain.  

I guess I found Jesus. I don't have great words to describe it but sometimes that's what faith looks like.  

Day 6: Things to remember when I'm annoyed with myself

 

"It's bad when you annoy yourself. "

I've always loved that song from Pink.  It's such an upbeat and honest song. It says...Yep,  I'm a hot mess. I struggle with mental health and I can dance and laugh about it.  

I had the kind of day that reminded me of this song.  

I just kept getting annoyed with myself.  

When you are annoyed at your spouse,  you can pretend self righteous. But when you are mad at yourself,  there's no pretending to be the better person... you just have to sit and take your own licks.  

This is a deep part of Lent. 

This discomfort. 

I want to brush it away and say I'm fine. 

But Lent says,  not so fast buster. 

Taking up new practices or fasting from things reveals something vulnerable, reveals truth about who we are and sometimes that truth doesn't measure up to the person we think we are or the person we want to be.  And to just sit with that,  all day,  to own it wholly,  is to create space to turn away. To repent. To let go. It doesn't feel great. 

Sometimes the annoying part comes from having to repent from the same things time after time,  year after year.  Like come on,  me,  get it together,  I thought we were past this by now. And so I sit in my self irritation looking for a pat to walk away,  again, from parts of myself that bother me the most.  

What's hard is,  often,  short comings are the flip side of strengths. So how to hold onto one without the other. So,  when deeply examining failures and where they come from,  I find myself not knowing how to let go of the bad parts of myself without scrapping the whole thing and starting over -- which isn't really possible anyways.   

The fruit of spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

God made me in God's own image and when I was born God said,  "She is good. " 

I think short-comings,  sin,  failure,  self-disappointment, whatever you want to call it,  the inability to live up to the person God created us to be stems from the gap between us and God and when we draw near to God,  we grow these fruits of the spirit which makes it possible to hold on to and nurture the light God has given us, while releasing the dark side of that personality trait.  

Take impulsivity, for example. 

Jumping in without thinking to help others in need is admirable while punching someone in the face who makes us mad is... not the best choice. 

The fruit of the spirit gives us strength to bend the impulsiveness towards courage and away from belligerent. 

I can look at my short-comings and ask how does the spirit transform these things into light? 

What is the flip side of that thing I'm struggling with?

Because as I reflect on that I can find who God created me to be and I can seek the Spirit's help to move toward that version of myself. 

In the meantime, as I sit, stuck with myself,  annoyed and wishing I could take a break from being me 

I remember

I am a child of God

Made in God's own image

Every day, every moment, I can choose to seek the Spirit. I can grow myself a garden and eventually the fruit will grow here - fruit of goodness and gentleness and self control. And that will be lovely. 

Day 5: Overheard at Sunday school

Here's a stick of butter. 

Each child received an item.  

God gives us each gifts. Some of us can run fast and some of us can solve really hard math problems in our heads. Some of us have wild imaginations.  

I need kids with eggs to put them in my bowl here.  Now butter.  Now sugar.  Now flour. When we bring our gifts together we can make wonderful things.  

But do you know what God does?

God sprinkles in the Holy Spirit just like these chocolate chips. God takes our gifts and makes them even better. 

"What about the cooking spray,  who's gift is that?"

Some people have gifts that are easy to see like math and art and music. Some people have gifts that are hard to see -- like helping people get along or helping people feel calm. Making the cookie not stick to the pan is a gift too. 

Put cookie in oven. 

I have a sheet of paper and I would like to give each of you a corner.  But there are only 4 corners and there are 9 of you. 

But when I cut the corners off, now how many corners are there? 8, that's right. 

Do you remember how I told you about the time that Jesus was teaching and people gathered around him and crowded him that he had to climb a mountain so everyone could see him?

His words were so important and interesting that thousands of people gathered to listen.  And they stayed and stayed listening to Jesus. 

Eventually the disciples said to Jesus,  "you should send the people away to get some lunch." But Jesus told the people to sit down on the grass and asked if anyone had any food.

Now, if you had been there with a small bag of snacks and Jesus asked you to share, and you were really hungry,  do you think it would be a good to share? Do you think there would be enough? Maybe the grown-ups would eat his lunch and not give any back to him.  

It's risky to share sometimes.  

But Jesus gave thanks to God and started passing the food along.  Everyone took a little and passed out on. And just like the corners of my paper,  every time someone took a bit there was more for the next person. 

Sometimes God takes our gifts and makes them more.  Sometimes the Holy Spirit adds chocolate chips and makes it better. 

Then the timer went off.  The giant cookie came out of the oven and I cut it into little squares and all the kids ate  and there was enough cookie left over for the adults to have some during coffee hour after church. 

Sometimes God takes our small offering and makes it enough.  Sometimes what we learn in Sunday school is all we really need to know about God.  

Day 4: Beyond Desperate

When my kids were little, I was overwhelmed.  Working 60 hour weeks,  starting my days at 4 in the morning,  just trying to get through. I can't remember how I ended up with it,  but I read a book called "Desperate: Hope for the mom who needs to breathe." It was the first book I had read in forever. 

It was a series of letters between a young mother of 3 and an older experienced mother who had four kids in middle and high school.  Chapters talked about laundry and beauty,  chaos and joy. It was honest.  It was fresh air. Honestsly I don't remember the specifics that well.  But I remember the relationship. How the women had met at a conference and how the younger woman was ambitious and overwhelmed.  The older woman offered her a retreat in her home and the two decided to write a book together.  

At the time,  I very much related to the young mother.  Trying to do it all.  Trying to be a good mom. Wondering if I was doing anything right. I was in awe of the older mom. How comfortable she was in her motherhood and in her place in the world.  She was full of grace and extra space that she could offer those around her,  like the young frantic mother. 

In motherhood groups there's often discussion of raising children in a "village," where kids can run freely between neighbors homes and many adults bear the load of raising them well.  I think this is a lovely image, it doesn't fully convey the reality of living in a village or right knit community. Community is built on reciprocity.  Giving and receiving. Sharing. Overstepping boundaries and asking forgiveness. I grew up in a big family,  lots of people are around yes, but it is messy and there's a lot of forgiveness involved and a high expectation that you will contribute,  do your part.  Whatever that part might be.  

As I've moved past desperate,  and have stated relating more and more with the older mom, I've had a deep desire to be part a village for other people.  But I've found something surprising.  Many people push help away.  It's a hard kind of rejection.  To work hard to make space and live generously to meet a world that would rather relate in transaction -- here's a simple example: 

It's easier and more convenient to pay doordash -- than to have people from church drop off home cooked meals.  I get it.  Door dash isn't that expensive. You can get anything you want.  Exactly on the schedule you want. And you don't have to expend the energy to make small talk with the driver.  They just leave the food and disappear.  Church ladies bring the wrong thing at the wrong time and really it's more of a hassle than helpful gesture.  

You can pay for child care,  house cleaning,  meals to be prepped and best of all you can dictate the terms for these services. You are paying someone. It is their job.  Then like a good shopper,  you can look for a person who has good reviews and provides good values. 

But then,  how can we show up as the church to each other? The very heart of Christian faith is to live as family.  To love each other as Christ has loved us. To bear with each other in patience and forgiveness. To find unity with each other. 

I'm still busy with my own tribe but in the moments I'm able to look beyond my walls to live out my call in faith,  

I struggle. 

What does it look like to show up in a world that is self sufficient?  

Therapy replaces small group Bible studies.  

Paid services replace acts of service. 

Bureaucracy creates boundaries to volunteerism. 

And the church struggles. 

My heart laments.  Self sufficiency creates isolation and loneliness.  The church has such a potent remedy for the afflictions of modern life -- deep connection, meaning and purpose -- cultivated for centuries. And yet so many people choose self-sufficiency and convenience. 

Is there a way to show up as a village,  as the body of Christ,  in this modern world? 

Day 3: Meltdown

Zander has been having EPIC meltdowns lately. 

I've gone into troubleshooting mode. Looking for patterns.  What is the trigger? What's the difference between good and bad days. My best guess is that school academics are ramping up and he's more tired.  Maybe his body is growing. 

Whatever the cause,  they are hard. And I don't have the easy button.  Snuggle with mom and watch a show.  Nope. Just nuclear meltdown with no backup plan.  

Today after maybe 45 minutes, I picked him up,  put him on my bed and said, "Mom loves you so much and you are safe. Im taking you into the shower to help your brain calm down." 

He went limp and let me take him. 

Slowly he recovered.  He played with the water.  He played with the soap.  He found his footing, his calm,  his smile.   

Sometimes, when I'm spiraling, I push back against God. I fight and argue and rationalize.  In some ways,  like Zander,  I want to stay stuck in my meltdown. Like Job, I have so much to say - maybe even to shout at God. 

But God can mother me,  with strong arms,  lifting me out of my meltdown and placing me back in the water.  Remember who you are.  

Beloved,  if you feel tired or angry or alone or ready to kick someone.... May God bring you back to the water and remind you of who you are. 

Day 2: Lent is destroying my house

My house is destroyed.  

Lent. 

Every year we give up video games. This year we added 2-3 hours of completely screen free time in the evening from 4-6ish. No show for Zander when he's tired. No news or email. No homework. It has to be done (which is why there is a little wiggle room).

There is a moment of blank stare. Ummm... what can we do.... and then explosion. Creativity. Games. Reading as a family with special snacks and blankets. Guys, it's been two days and I feel like we're at least two weeks in already. 

My house is destroyed. I keep cleaning and they keep... whatever it is they keep doing. My broom was in three pieces in three different rooms. 

I'm tired and wondering what do i even say about this beyond the obvious stump speech about screens and modern life. There's more. More to this season than just "doing better."

I think what's magical about Lent is peeling away layers of distraction to see each of my kids more deeply for who they are and who they are becoming. Wrestling with boredom pushes them to reach further and find the image bearing self. Creativity. Relationship. Nature. Curiosity. Storytelling. 

A few moments ago, i sat down to write this post with a heart of lament for so many things in the world. I had in mind to write a post on lament because my heart has been so heavy today. But i watch these little light bearers and steadily clean up the destruction behind them, my heart lightens and the corners of my mouth turn up into a small smile.  

The Holy Spirit is here at work. Teaching me what's next for these boys. I just have to keep watching. And maybe watching them will inspire me for things i can do beyond our walls to help the world that my heart laments for.  

The Kingdom of Heaven is a mustard seed. Small and hidden and unimportant. And yet it grows with love and nurturing into something large and mighty.  

Perhaps 2 hrs of internet free time will grow into something beautiful.  

Day 1: We are all becoming

 

As I entered my 40s, I was struck with an urgency to figure out what life might be like after kids. I could sense that I was starting to enter a new chapter.  

Zander set me back a few years,  but soon we were out of diapers and bottles and bouncers. Soon,  the kids won't need as much of me.  Soon,  perhaps a window will open into "what's next" I had quit my job and became a full-time homeschooling mom of 5. None of which had been on my life bingo card,  but it was a spiritually transformative journey deep into the heart of love. 

This year,  Eddie is 16 and we're studying college level subjects. He's taking classes at the community college.  Andrew is close on his heels and Philip not far behind that. I feel time passing and i feel change happening but not with the same urgency that i felt it a few years ago.  Perhaps I've gained a little wisdom.  

Back then it felt like i was edging towards  gradation and people would show up at the party and ask "do you have a plan for your life?"  I felt like i needed to do some deep discernment and chart a direction - professionally,  spiritually, emotionally -- who am i now and where am i going?

But we are all becoming... day by day,  week by week.  Shaped by our decisions and priorities.  Stuck with the voices in our heads who narrate our story and our identity as we roll through our routines and schedules. 

When I was little,  my parents loved reading a book called "the four little puppies" it was a golden book that followed four puppies through each of the four seasons. In each season,  the puppies had fun,  but as the weather changed "they couldn't play the same games anymore. "

I look around my family room.  Building blocks and trains have been replaced with a piano and a drum set. The seasons are changing and my five puppies don't play the same games. the season is changing again... And yet,  motherhood is still very demanding.  I definitely haven't graduated ... and I'm not sure i ever will. But what does God have in store for me in this moment? In this season? What am I called to be - to them and to the broader world?

I was praying about Lent and felt called to a discipline of letting go of the life that was and reaching into the life I am being called into. My younger self would have interpreted this discipline as an assignment in scheduling and short term priorities. And it may include that.  But i think more, it is a call to name who i have become and who i am becoming. To let go of who I was and the parts of myself that no longer fit with who i am and allowing myself to embrace this season of middle age more deeply.  I may also clean out a few closets.

Ashes on my forehead remind me that i was formed from dust. I was shaped in the womb and I've continued to be formed and transformed ever since. 

A few months ago one of my dearest mentors passed away and a few nights ago her widow husband called me out of the blue to catch up. The call was a treasure. We talked about her and what life was like for her near the end.  We talked about her life, her fire,  our trips together (she founded a short term mission ministry and i traveled with her to several countries and worked in her offices as a teenager). We talked about her celebration of life and what it might be like to "know in full" in the arms of God. We talked about his life now,  on his own after 68 years of marriage. Choices he's working through,  adventures he is having. Joy and grief and what it feels like to be 91. 

I met with the principal yesterday.  Miles is growing into a newer, older,  bigger body and facing new challenges at school.  Since i was there,  we talked about Zander in TK and Andrew in 8th grade.  Philip and his adjustment to middle school. 

We are all always becoming.  We are all dust. Formed by the hand of God and transformed again and again as we journey through life. 

Lent is a time to reflect on that.  To find our way home back to the one who made us. Back to who we are in this moment and this season and to who the Maker is forming us to be. 

If you haven't figured out a lenten practice yet,  perhaps ask yourself what can i let go of so that i can better hear the voice of God or what can i step into that creates space for me to open my eyes to the work that God is doing in my life to form me in this season. 

Whatever your Lent be...

May you find God. 

May you find yourself.  

May you allow yourself to be reformed in this new season of life.