Day 30: Lean out

When I was at the beginning on my tenure as a startup founder, Sheryl Sandberg released "Lean in" a guide for women leaders. 

It talks a lot about inviting yourself to the table. Making things happen.  Putting yourself out there. 

I think leadership often involves imagining the world differently and taking steps to help others see the vision.  It's also running small experiments, testing and refining ideas,  talking to people,  gathering perspective and empowering people to become change makers. 

Changing the world,  even in small ways often looks a lot like "Leaning in." It's stepping up and saying yes and then figuring out how to make it happen.

Leaning in is one of my default postures. I spend a lot of time reflecting on what might make the world better and the rest of it Leaning in on small ways in my current situation I could make incremental progress on some way to make it happen -- even if that's just with my own kids or my own carbon footprint or my church or school. 

When we pray "your will be done on earth as it is in heaven, " I  am tempted to pray, "give me wisdom and point me in the right direction so I  can start doing all the amazing God things on earth " I want to lean in and manifest God's will. 

But the more faith informed side knows better. I don't understand God any better than the disciples understood Jesus. If I've learned anything from faith,  it's that God's will for this beautiful creation is more radical than any of us can imagine. Even more,  it is born in ways that we wouldn't choose or expect. No 1st century Jew had the messiah on a cross as part of the "God's own bingo card. " We have theology for it now with 2,000 years to think about "why the cross?" And still.... I wonder.... why the cross? 

If we had God's will on earth as it is in heaven,  would there have been a cross? 

And so God moves in mystery. And prayer requires me to sometimes set aside my fire to DO THINGS and just...  

just... 

just what?

I've been feeling a call to "lean out." 

To not send emails.  To not make things happen.  To just... just... 

I'm not sure what.  Perhaps listen.  Perhaps watch.  Perhaps pray. 

And so I'm trying to be faithful to this call and to slow down and intentionally not try to do anything,  but I have to say for the record -- that it is not comfortable,  I don't like it and I would much rather try to make something happen. 

So here's me trusting that God will call me off the bench at some point. And hoping I'm paying attention well enough to know what to do once I'm back in the game. 

Day 29: Mailing it in

My mother grew up catholic. Went to a catholic school in a tiny town. Everyone in town was catholic. Half of them were related to my mom somehow. 

She fought to create authentic faith for herself. It bothered her that everyone went to mass and said the words and did the things. But it felt hollow.  She wanted to meet Jesus. Know Jesus. 

I grew up in a more charismatic household.  My mom found faith that was vibrant and she did everything she could to pass it on to us kids. Consequently,  I grew up seeing the fireworks of personal faith. The earnest seeking of God and the honest finding of God in songs and scripture and heartfelt prayers.  

It wasn't until I was grown that I really understood liturgy. Creeds and recited prayers were,  in my mind,  just old fashioned things people did when their heart wasn't in it.  

I was a little bit right. But just a little bit. 

My heart wasn't in it today.  

I had my infusion yesterday and I was nauseous and tired today.  But there was chapel at church and I had teenage boys to homeschool.  

Life has become a form of liturgy. Small moments where I touch God. And I wasn't feeling it today. At all.  But the routine touched the places and I lived into a thing I didn't feel. 

That's what liturgy is there for and memorized verses and hymns. The things I know so deeply in my soul that when I have nothing to pull up,  I can pull them up and they can help me find my way back to faith. 

When I was a teenager, I struggled with depression. There were many days I couldn't find the point of anything. It was a place of despair. But in that darkness,  I decided to shift my focus from myself to someone else. I would go volunteer or do something for my brothers and the act of moving my body with purpose would pierce the darkness. 

That is liturgy of living. 

We all have days that we need to mail it in. But if our routines and rhythms can point us to the light, we can find a path back even on days that feel especially dark. 

Day 28: A lesson in how to listen to God

 

I came home from my infusion ready to flop on the bed and ignore the world. 

But, it's still Lent so we switched the internet off. 

Eddie was stuck. He offered to go somewhere to work on calculus homework,  but class is canceled on Thursday so he has plenty of time.  Nope,  I decided.  Today is a day to just sit with it.  

Andrew and I sat in rocking chairs in the living room.  Our heads resting back, being part of the family but kind of wanting to lay down. Eddie pulled up a chair. I could feel it.  An openness. A boredom. A longing for something. 

"Lent is hard. " I said.  "Sometimes we have to just sit with it,  not knowing what it is.  It's how we learn to listen to God. When you have your headphones on high,  you are getting something. But you can usually hear me and I'm pretty sure you can't hear God." 

"I wonder if Saul would have heard God is he had headphones on. "

Eddie: well,  it was pretty dramatic...

Me: do you think God tried something quieter and had to resort to something dramatic?

God talks to us in all kinds of ways. But the tricky part is first hearing it and second. Separating the stuff God said from the stuff in our own heads. Did you know the church has guidance for helping us figure out when things are from God

It's a fancy word called discernment. And it involves thinking critically -- does it match what I know about God? Does it match scripture? Then,  if you tell the thing to other people who are also believers in God, they can use their wisdom and insight to say -- hmm, it think that was just you or wow,  I think that might be from God. And eventually with praying,  thinking and talking to people we can figure out if the thing might be from God. 

The conversation went on and on. We talked about having purpose and vocation.  Having specific calls or just making choices that live a life that is faithful to our faith even when there isn't a special call.  We talked about the body of Christ and how all kinds of people are needed to do God's work and we talked about the world and what kinds of people are going to be very helpful in the coming generation. What problems do their generations face compared to the problems my generation faced when I was a teenager and trying to figure out what to do.  

We talked about different way God spoke in the Bible. Ways that God speaks today.  Ways that God has spoken to me. 

It was such a good conversation.  Maybe an hour or two. We moved from rocking chairs to the back yard and sipped drinks until Eddie needed to go to Taekwondo. 

My heart cherished the moment. I, in a small way,  am handing over the reigns. I can listen and help to discern,  but God will speak to them. God is forming them and I will bear witness to it. 

Man,  Lent was wearing me down,  but today,  thankful for God speaking to us through a bored teenager. 

Day 27: When teenagers come home late

 

I'm in my rocking chair watching and waiting for Eddie to get back from bells and for Ulrich to return from work.  It's 8:49. 

Eddie's late. He usually gets home around 8:30ish I'm starting to worry. Every time I send him out on his scooter,  I do so knowing there's a chance he could get hurt or even not come home. My stomach churns a little. If he's not home in ten minutes,  I might go out looking for him. 

I remember my mother panicking when I was a teenager. Back then,  we didn't have cell phones. But one day,  I was riding the bus and and announcer came over the loudspeaker. "If Sara is on this bus,  her mother is looking for her."

Waiting,  just waiting, feels helpless. Mothers don't just sit and wait. If there's something to be done,  then mother's are going to do the thing.  

But sometimes God calls on us to wait and trust even when the result doesn't go the way we hope or expect. It is in that place,  where faith doesn't feel rational at all,  that I call out to God. "Are you there? Are you sure? I'm trying to trust you. "

Jesus's mother followed him all the way to the cross. And I'm almost sure the woman who spoke to angels,  who found herself overcome by the Holy Spirit and who carried the son of God inside her own womb sat in the shadows crying out to God,  "Are you there? Are you sure? I'm trying to trust you...." what else could she do watching her invincible, miracle making boy dying slowly on a tree. Mary had a hard road.   

God was not there.  Jesus cried out. "My God why have you forsaken me. " Mary's heart tore. I would have felt so utterly betrayed by God.  

But the story doesn't end there. The Gospels don't record whether his mother was among the women who went to the tomb. As a mother,  I find it impossible to think she didn't go.  However it went,  I'm almost certain that Jesus gave her that look.  That look the kids give moms that says -- I'm OK.  Actually,  I'm good. Everything is good -- and Mary had peace.  She could see it in his face and her heart held that image for the rest of her days. I'm sure of it. 

And.... Eddie walked in the door. I can sleep tonight. Thank you God for bringing them all home safe at the end of the day.  

Day 26: Longing

The past several days I've been overwhelmed with the feeling of a deep quiet longing. 

It took me a while to name it. Not quite sad.  Not quite anticipation. Not quite pregnant inspiration. Longing. 

The days are lengthening and the world is coming alive. But there is something disquieted deep within me.  

I've been searching for the source. I lingered after church to listen,  to be available for conversation. There was small talk after service but there were pauses that made me wonder -- there's something deeper to say but perhaps no words to say it with. 

I went for a walk with my husband. We talked about the world and life and our kids.  But in all the conversation,  I couldn't name the source. 

Sonja called.  She needed Jesus. I just bought her a new Bible.  It was purple,  her favorite color. I swing by to drop it off. She was stressed and had been drinking a little bit. She climbed into the van and vented. At first,  I was annoyed,  but I let myself just listen. She went on, but as I watched and listen with all the gentleness I could muster,  she softened. Eventually,  she was a little ok. She grabbed her Bible and jumped out of the van. 

Somehow that moment came closest to whatever the Longing I've been feeling. I pondered and still couldn't name it. 

Lent is a season of Longing. As we get closer to the cross, we will hear chants in the streets of Jerusalem.  A people longing for a king. Prayers in a garden.  A longing for a different path.  A groaning on the cross.  

Longing is a deeply human condition. We long in our sorrows for the return of joy. We long in our joy, to stop time and to bottle up the moment. 

I cannot even tell if the longing I carry now is one born of grief or of joy. Perhaps it is both.

But longing is holy. 

Blessed are those who mourn

Blessed are those who hunger for righteousness. 

Blessed are the poor in spirit. 

Blessed are the meek. 

Sacred is the longing. 

Sacred is the seeking to world to be as it should be,  as it one day will be. Sacred is the grief for what is not yet and sacred is the hope for what will one day be. 

God shows up in my longing, even when I don't know what my longing is for exactly. 

Day 25: Jam session

 

I've always loved music. 

When I was 16, we moved into a house that had a piano in the basement. A friend taught me middle C and I was off...

Free classical sheet music was available on the internet. I downloaded my favorite pieces,  moonlight sonata, claire de line,  pathétique. They were tough pieces. I pecked away.  Over years,  I learned to play some of them. But it was hard. There were so many notes. My brain was so focused,  so full.  It was hard. But slowly,  my hands learned. And every once in a while I could play a few bars without thinking so hard and the music was so beautiful that id forget I was playing and I'd lose my place and have to start over. 

My junior year of college,  I moved into the dorms. I had so much free time. I spent hours in the practice rooms. I was overwhelmed that there was a whole building full of pianos that you could just play. I had my folder of songs. Id listen for new pieces that I loved enough to learn to play.  I print out the music at the computer lab and peck away at them on Friday nights.  

I moved to Haiti,  then to Africa and music had to stay behind. I learned a ton of local music. I learned to dance local rhythms, but there weren't any pianos to practice on. 

Eventually,  I moved to Davis and joined a little Lutheran Church. Davis is a university town and the church had an evening service for students with an amazing band. I started singing with the band and eventually led the service as a lay leader -- planning music,  attending rehearsals and jam sessions. Occasionally we had gigs in town. 

These were amazing musicians and i learned entirely new things about music just by hanging out. I learned about chords and guitar music. Short hand ways that people can write out music and then just play with it. It was MAGIC.

I promised myself someday I'd learn how to play that way.   

We moved to Livermore. I got real busy with kids. We lived in a tiny house but I  always kept hope that one day I'd find space for a piano. 

As a baby,  Andrew was sensative to noise and he wouldn't even let me listen to music.  I longed for a time when music would find its way into my house. Eventually,  I introduced him to gentle sounds,  then flutes, then classical music,  then jazz.  Eventually he learned to tolerate music. Q

During the last couple years,  my autoimmune disease has attacked my vocal chords. My range is much smaller than what it once was and sometimes,  when I'm having a flare,  no sound comes out at all. It's a quiet grief. Not having time.  Then not having access to the one instrument that let me praise God in the shower and sing my kids to sleep. Maybe music was just for listening. ... my heart still ached.  I missed making music.  

Last year,  my church was cleaning out the choir room and there was a practice piano that needed a new home. The seas parted and in October my heart swelled looking at my very own piano.  

My boys flocked to it. They started playing video game music.  Movie scores. Sea Shanties. Classical.  There was hardly time for me to play.  But from time to time, I  hop on and pull out my old folder of classical pieces. They were lovely.  My heart was happy. 

Recently,  I began learning how to read guitar music. It looks like the lyrics of a song with random letters sprinkled over them. The letters represent chords that guitars strum while someone sings the melody. On piano,  you can play the melody with one hand and the chords with the other. 

There's so much to look at and think about when playing sheet music. This notation is incredibly simple. Once I figured out how to do it,  I found new freedom. I could play and not use every single brain cell. I could listen,  I could improvise. I could even sing while I played. I never thought in the whole world would I have enough brain cells to control two hands doing two different things and then add my voice. 

I looked up all my favorite songs and just jammed. And then,  I looked up all the hymns and praise songs and last night I sat and played and sang for hours. I tried different rhythms and experimented with adding parts of the chordto the melody to figure out where the harmonies might go. I was lost in the beauty of music and just enjoyed a musical time of prayer. 

There is something that music adds to prayer. Some element that makes it more than just the words. It carries the emotion,  the energy,  the soul of the prayer. 

Today I'm so so grateful that music has found its way back to me.  

Day 24: Trust

Routine surgery.  

I didn't even give it a second thought. 

He actually had the exact surgery when he was four. I still remember his little face smiling back at me as they wheeled his little body away in a wagon.  Now he's 13 and he needs ear tubes and his adeniods out -- again.  

I hung out with him in pre-op and we watched tic toc videos while he got his IV put in. He did great. But then it was time and they wheeled him away. 

That's the moment.  Watching him leave when the vulnerability becomes real. 

Anesthesia is alchemy. 

Modern surgery is a miracle. 

Even small ones.  

It is of the most vulnerable experiences we can have. For a moment,  our bodies are under the complete care of the surgeon and anesthesiologist.  And as I watched them wheel away my baby,  I felt both vulnerability and trust. 

The trust part is what made me think of writing this post.  I trusted so fully because I knew the surgeon.  He had operated on me. But more than that,  I visit him regularly and he scopes my sinuses and trachea. His hands as incredibly skilled and steady. He is deeply knowledgeable in the field. He is kind and thoughtful. He's a great doctor. 

Last week in Sunday school,  I taught the lesson of the Good Shepherd.  The sheep know the voice of the Good Shepherd and they trust him because he leads them to calm water and protects them. 

I knew the doctor. I knew Andrew was in good hands. 

When we know the shepherd we can be vulnerable with our body,  our hearts and our spirits. And even in those moments where we have zero control over what happens,  we are in good hands. 

I went down to the Cafe and had some breakfast. By the time I finished,  he was already waking up. The doctor called and the said surgery was a good idea.