Day 15: Side effects

 

Every time it's a little different. 

My infusion was yesterday. It comes with a giant dose of steroids to minimize initial side effects.  

I felt fine during the infusion. I mostly worked. Gazing around the room from time to time.  More cancer patients than usual.  I held them each in my gaze, in my heart.  There are tons like this all over the place.  Silent battles for life.  Prayers hanging thick in the air. 

When my time was done,  the nurse checked my vitals and asked if I felt good enough to drive.  I did.  Bundled up in my sweatpants and hoodie, I headed out into the 75 degree sunshine. The seat of the car was almost too hot to sit down. 

I was hungry when I got home. I had been at the center for nearly 5 hours and it was closing in on dinner time. I warmed up some soup.  I changed into lighter clothes. I flopped on my bed. 

A little nauseous.  A lot of mucus. Some coughing. A little tightness in the chest.  Some wheezing. I inventoried my symptoms.  I was worn out. A bit of a battle was happening inside my body. It was time to rest. 

Today,  I went about my day as normal.  Eddie and I went to the gym in the morning and then to breakfast to work on his writing. We're reading Life of Pi now.  I checked on with myself periodically.  How are things,  body?

I am expecting a crash soon. The steroids begin to wear off and weariness can set in.  But,  like I said in the beginning,  every time is different.  The last few infusions I think we've figured out the right combination of medicines and fluids to keep it from hitting too hard.  I tell the nurses,  "I got five boys,  I can't afford a lot of down time."

And, miraculously,  they've found ways to make these infusions something of a NASCAR pit stop. Zip. Zip. Zip and I'm back on the track. 

I've been thinking about this,  grateful, that generally is been going well. But on the other hand,  how much I shy away from discomfort. Sometimes healing isn't a comfortable process.  Physical therapy usually isn't.  

Spiritual growth and healing  can also come with side-effects. For me,  it has been this painful shedding of self- importance. Man,  when I was younger,  I really wanted to be somebody. I was ambitious. Embracing my call felt at times like a betrayal of self.  And yet,  that is exactly what Jesus asked of me.  To pick up my cross and follow him. Nailing up all the self ambitions of success and recognition that I wanted to earn and learning a quieter, more humble path. 

I'm not done.  But like the nurses. God is gentle tenderly minimizes side effects as the Spirit heals and makes me whole. 

But some days,  like today,  Lent and medicine make me just want to sleep it off. Wake me up when it's over and I'm all the way healed.