Discernment can feel heavy.
At the heart of it, there is usually a decision waiting to be made -- a new job to take, a new house to move to, switching schools, switching jobs, starting something, ending something. I enter periods of discernment to look where God is leading me next and trying to align myself with the work God has prepared for me.
I feel like this middle aged discernment, has been a rolling season that doesn't end -- in each new season praying about what's best for the kids, whether I should work outside the home, what things I should volunteer for, how much time I should spend each week exercising, how to organize the day's schedule to support everyone's growth.
Today I was talking to my spiritual director about the current questions of discernment that I am weighing and the story of the sower and the seed came to mind. The seed particularly.
God has designed the seed to grow and different seeds grow in different conditions. Some require fire. Others need to be frozen for a time. Others soaked in water. Some even need to be eaten and digested.
In my discernment, I worry about getting all the conditions right. I'm like a gardener reading all the details on the packet -- what zone are we in, what type of soil does this need, what steps do I need to take to get a good germination rate?
But in nature, God orchestrates the system, the ecology, the web of life interdependent to create and sustain life. God has given each creature and plant and mineral a role to play and they do not discern the role that they play in the ecosystem, they simply live as they were created.
Perhaps, I need fewer cycles thinking about what the right next decision is and more time watching the Spirit at work. Perhaps, the Spirit is blowing and if I watched and trusted, that next automatic response to the work of the Spirit in the world around me is the roll that God calls me to play. Perhaps I am created, as all creatures are, to play my part instinctively.
Discernment imagined this way is light. It is not a decision I have to make, it is the natural progression of trust. God is bigger than my ability to micromanage my decisions and God will use me even if all I do is what comes natural to me.
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