Today, a small comment hurt my feelings. And so, I've been reflecting on the condition of the human heart.
Our hearts are fragile, so we built up defenses. As children entering the social world we experience rejection. The first crush that doesn't reciprocate, kids that tease us, bullies, teachers. We discover the parts of ourselves that the world doesn't accept and we become sensitive and vulnerable.
With time, we either bury, defeat or accept those parts of us that imperfect. For a long time, my challenge was body image. I remember hating so much of my body. Comments about how I looked sent me heart down a path of tenderness as they turned over and over in my head. I wrestled hard with my health and my body. I lost weight. I grew strong.
I remember clearly the first time I looked at myself and was proud of who I was. Now, I still wrestle with weight and my body (4 kids does that) but I know what I can be and that weight doesn't define who I am, it's a reflection of life. Because of that, I have a much thicker skin about my body. Random comments from children about stretch marks or tummy rolls don't bother me. I am honest with myself about where I am and can let comments roll off my back (more or less).
However, I realized in my reflection today that I am not secure with my ability to balance motherhood and work. Particularly my inability to be what I know I can be at work. I've always been an overachiever did this is hard for me. Whenever I've missed on performance I've buckled down and worked harder. You climb mountains by putting one foot in front of the other.
For the last several years I've taken a lot of heat and made a lot of sacrifices to be a working mom. I've had to calculate who to disappoint to keep my kids in the right place on my list of priorities. I've had to swallow days where I've fed my kids fast food and throw them in front of a screen so I could get work done. I've had to miss opportunities to "lean in" or "get myself out there" and therefore don't get recognition for my contributions. I've learned how to prioritize only the most important things in each sphere and let go of things that matter less. Sometimes that means sowing up to a meeting completely unprepared or missing an important email in your inbox out not responding to Mr important with enough care or not doing enough homework on a subject and looking like an asshole. These types of things leave me wide open for criticism. I can't do it all and it shows.
All this calculated, sub optimal work has made me entirely vulnerable. I know so many things that I've done poorly or left undone that I can't help but feel bad about it. It feels like being fat, and even small comments go straight to the tender part of my heart and sting.
My kids are young. They need me. I don't sleep many nights. I know I'm not going to be as good at work right now as I will be someday when mothering requires as much of my heart but much less of my body and time. But it doesn't make it any easier to let go of my hurt feelings about it.
God knows our vulnerabilities and is able to use our weaknesses. The entire history of judaio Christian faith is built on fundamentally flawed characters. Abraham, the father of faith, afraid to speak truth. Moses, God's chosen to deliver freedom, was an outcast and couldn't speak to crowds. David, God's beloved, had terrible affairs. Peter, the rock of the early church, deserted Jesus in his darkest moment.
I wish I could just suck it up and stop being so damn vulnerable. But I rest hopeful that maybe my vulnerability and weakness is useful to God. My inability to be everything I want to be creates an opportunity for grace in my life, a dependence that God will fill the gap and use my life dispite or even because of my limitations.
No comments:
Post a Comment