Today was an "autism" day. We've made so much progress over the past few years that I don't have that many of them anymore. But today wad a solid reminder of the path we've journeyed.
Autism is hard on moms. If you take a normal tantrum and amplify it ten fold then also multiply the number of "triggers" by ten. That might be baseline for an autism mom. When it's bad, we don't want to breathe the wrong way because it's exhausting. And it's so hard to see your kid unable to cope with a world that scratches him like sandpaper. You can't fix him. You can't change the world and you feel like a failure as a mother.
Today involved spitting on multiple people, multiple changes of clothing, and endless refocusing. I have a handful of tricks that I've mastered like a Jedi to combat days like this. But today.... autism won. I'm exhausted.
"I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
There were so many nights that I stayed up with Andrew helping him fight back thoughts and fears that wouldn't let him sleep. So many hours that I sat hopeless on the floor with Philip watching him space out and wondering if he would ever call me mom. I armed up the best I could with knowledge, resources, whatever I could get my hands on. But ultimately, I resolved that I couldn't beat down autism. And I had to place my hope in..."my power is made perfect in weakness"
Together. Love, faith and baby steps, we've come a long way. I am humbled and grateful to see how well they are all doing. But the thorn is still there. It always will be. But that is ok. God's power is made perfect in weakness and his grace is sufficient for us. Days like today are a good reminder of that.
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