I had a clear plan for the evening. We had gone for a long walk and purchased dough to make pizzas and some craft supplies for a project we had been meaning to do. The plan was to make pizza then while it was baking, do the craft. Eat dinner, then cuddle on the couch for a movie.
It didn't happen that way. Well, it kind of did. Everything took much longer than expected so we went from dinner straight to bed. There was spilled paint, flour on everything, water dumped on the floor, a crying baby for extra color and lots of quarreling along siblings along the way.
I yelled more than I wanted to. I didn't stay in a bad mood, I was able to recover and enjoy a mostly pleasant evening despite some pretty epic fails but there were several brief moments where I lost my temper.
I'm not exactly sure what separates moments when we can stay calm from ones where we lose it. With our kids, in our cars, with our spouses, at customer service.... There are moments that test us. Sometimes I am completely unrattled and others something inside breaks, momentarily, and I come unglued.
Ulrich rarely does. I think in the 10 years we've been married he's lost his temper only a handful of times. But even with him, the times where he has gotten visibly angry aren't necessarily the most stressful or provoking. They seem like random moments when all the right elements were present to set him off.
One of the fruits of the spirit is self control. I do feel that faith has something to do with patience. I feel like I'm better at keeping it together when I'm more in touch with my faith. But, even then, I'm not perfect. Age seems to help. The older I get, the more I find the humility to let things go. But like the rest of it, I'm still a work in progress.
I always feel bad when I yell at the boys. But I've found that it is a perfect opportunity to teach them grace. Even mommy isn't perfect. Sometimes she gets frustrated too. Sometimes she needs a time out and she needs to say sorry. And mommy can get a do over, and she can do it right the second time. Being honest about my flaws with them creates safety for all of us to work on parts of ourselves that are weak as a family. They can get do overs too. They can get it right on the next go round
Love does that. Love accepts who you are and pushes you to be better.
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