Day 3: Grace

Today,  I felt Grace. The unmerited gift of new life unfolded in front of me.

Last year,  about this time I began a journey with Philip,  my 3rd son.  He seemed to have difficulty hearing.  He never turned when you called his name.  Seemed oblivious to freight trains passing a few blocks away or fire engines roaring down the road. I had taken steps to address hearing issues.  He had fluid in his ears and we decided to get tubes put in.  Hearing tests revealed a marked improvement in hearing after the tubes.  I expected language to follow,  it did not.

What was particularly scary was not that he wasn't talking.  It was that he didn't understand.  Anything.  He was approaching 2 and my mommy radar went to defcon 12. I started playing close attention to what he could and couldn't do to look for clues as to why language wasn't there.  A friend suggested I contact the county. They had free language services for kids under 3. And so we began a journey together. Philip and I.

The first assessment was hard to hear.  There are many categories of language...use of gestures,  saying words,  understanding words,  making sounds,  etc.  His average language level across all these things was about 6 months old.  I was overwhelmed with guilt.  How could he be nearly 2 and so behind without me acting sooner?

I rolled up my sleeves and jumped in.  I learned everything I could about language development, I filled out piles of paperwork.   Went to appointment after appointment to try to get him help. I tried my best to become what he needed.  I saw progress but it was slow.  New waves of guilt washed over me.   I felt pressure to make every second count.  I felt guilty for going to work every day.  My pregnant belly was growing larger and worried about how I could possibly give Philip what he needed while caring for new baby.  It all felt impossible.

But this is exactly Grace.  Finding God at the end of your rope. In the midst of guilt and fear, a voice calmed me. Put one foot in front of the other.  Give him what you can and trust that God has a plan for him. 

Eventually,  I was able to get therapy that seemed to help.  I put the pieces together and figured out how to meet him where he was at and work with all the therapists to slowly,  but surely pull him out. He made progress and one day,  he called me mom. I felt hope that he was reachable.

The past few months have been an explosion.  Baby steps followed by leaps and bounds.  It made me hopeful that he was on the right path and I was ready to embrace whatever he needed next.  Today we had a meeting with the school district.  Kids with developmental delays are all assessed just before their 3rd birthdays to see what type of support our therapy they will need to help them prepare for kindergarten. I was excited for the meeting because the psychologist in our school district is amazing and incredibly insightful as to what will really bring out the best in kids.

We dove into the 2 hour assessment.  I talked through what we were working on in all his various therapies,  filled out more paperwork and watched as a number of specialists interacted with him to see what he knew and didn't.  What he could do and couldn't. He was happy. Smiling the whole time. I was proud watching him demonstrate new skills that he had just learned in the past few weeks. The preliminary result.... His skills were approximately 34 months across the board.  I was shocked. No delay... at all???

Grace.

The guilt.  The terrible feeling that won't go away wondering,  worrying. Pushing to try to do more,  to give more,  to be more.  To wonder if any of it is helping.

God was present with me today.  Present in the surrender that gave me courage to set aside my guilt and my pride to keep pushing forward for whatever Philip needed and present in news that what we are doing is enough.  God is present in our small and large battles to be who we can be. Present in the weaknesses we want to his from the world and in the victories of the human spirit.

God has been with me all along this journey and will be with me in the journey ahead even when I wasn't able to see or feel that presence.  Even when the guilt was thick enough to cut with a knife.

Philip has a long journey ahead.  I have a long journey with him.  Grace will continue to carry us along.