Day 12: Honesty check

I've been having a debate with myself all day.

Is it possible to be driven and not be a jerk?

At a surface,  I feel, yes,  it absolutely is.  But in experience,  I'm having a harder time.

I intentionally gave up yelling at my kids and saying negative things to my husband for Lent as part of a push to slow myself and my life down.

It's easy to be patient with the kids on Saturday morning.  Much harder on Monday morning.

Easy to be patient with my husband Friday night,  much harder Wednesday night.

The more I have on my plate.  The more focused I am on getting it all done and the more justified I feel in pushing others in my life to tow the line with me.

There are positive aspects of being driven.  I've built new things. Started a startup.  Moved around the world.  Got my kids the support they need.  Making things happen can often lead to a better world.

But there is a cost.
Emotional stress. 
Personal space.
Self care.
A grind at the character.

Things that leave me with less in the tank than I want and, as a bonafide extrovert,  often this leads to the wrong words coming out of my mouth.

Interestingly,  I see the impact on my husband completely differently. He doesn't snap.  He shuts down. Focuses in and ignores the world around him as he reaches for the next goal.

And so... my debate...

Is it possible to push hard and drive at goals and become self absorbed?

Possibly, but definitely not without a lot of self-awareness, self-forgiveness and a whole lot of try again.

I've cut back on the amount of yelling and unnecessary remarks, but I'm not yet achieving what I set out to do this lent.  The struggle is, however,  pushing me to have hard conversations with God and with myself.

And that,  Charlie Brown,  is what lent is all about.