Day 3: Judgement

I just finished a 4 day audit of our company's manufacturing documentation.

I sat on one side of the table, the auditor on the other.

He requested documents.  I gave them to him.  He asked questions.  I responded.

Have we followed every regulation? Do I have documented proof of every decision made? Every product built? Properly documented inspection forms for every wire, screw and battery we bought?

Judgement is uncomfortable. I knew somewhere in the paperwork there would be typos or missed spaces. I knew there would be issues. But I still had to sit,  calmly and own every mistake, even if they were made by other people. With time I've gotten better.  Less defensive. Less stressed. Ive come to accept that there will always be things to fix and if I am open,  I can learn from the process.

But today as I sat there,  I imagined what an audit of my soul might look like.

God on one side of the table, me on the other. 

He pulls out the file of my life.

"Explain why you made that decision... "

I think many moments would leave me speechless.

"Um,  well,  I don't really have a great explanation for that. "

"Can you show me evidence of the kind of person you intended to be?"

"Well there were these six events where you can clearly see that I did a great job implementing my intentions to love and forgive and be generous."

"And on these days?"

"Well,  that day i was tired and that day I was overwhelmed.  I mean look at everything that was going on. Clearly I couldn't have been at my best. "

"Let's open to May 13, 2004. You woke up at 8:30am. Let's walk through the entire day. Who did you talk to? What did you say? What words were left unsaid? What did you do? "

And so it would go.

I tend to think of myself as pretty together.  Generally of good character. I can justify myself and my actions.  But if my life was held to an audit where random days were selected and analyzed in detail, chances are high that I would have said or done something that I would be embarrassed to have to explain.

Audits are a healthy part of organizations and, I think, a good spiritual practice.  To find the courage to open ourselves to an honest reflection of who we are and what we've done opens us to possibly of learning from our past to grow us into the future of who we want to become.

Not easy though. Looking in the mirror is hard. Accepting judgement on whether you've lived up to who you want to be is super uncomfortable.