This morning my patience was tested.
I was doing good on the morning routine. Lunches in progress,
snuggling babies, plenty of time to get ready for school.
I got Eddie up.
I got Eddie up again.
I got Eddie up again.
At 7:30 Eddie was still dragging and I yelled.
“GET UP! YOU
ARE GOING TO BE LATE FOR SCHOOL.”
Andrew looked at me. “Mom, you broke your lent. That was a rude
voice.”
My heart sank. 24 hours in an I had yelled. I felt bad. I
also felt the urge to justify.
“He’s not moving. He’s
going to be late from school. I needed to prompt him to get going? Is there another
way I could have done it?”
“You’re right, Andrew. I’m sorry.”
Later…
I had a long drive to visit our manufacturer for an on-site audit.
During the hour ride, I decided to take a crack at responding to an email I had
gotten a few days ago.
It was an apology.
It was one of those situations that get us all twisted up.
It was broken. Dysfunctional. The kind of situation we sweep under the rug and
forget about. And yet, years later…. An apology arrives in my inbox and I am invited to respond.
Emotions swept over me.
“What should I say?
How much grace do I extend? Do I also need to apologize? What about all the things... what about the whole mess left by this thing...”
My mind oscillated between a gentle grace-filled response
that I can take following a time of healing and a time in the past when I was
angry and hurt. We hadn’t spoken. I had so many words that I had gone around in
my mind since that time…and now I had an email to boil it all down and send her
a response.
I thought about how I had yelled at Eddie and my self-justification
for my actions and my apology.
I gave her the benefit of grace. She was in a particular place and time. She had justifications and excuses for the things she had done. But, she had courage. She wrote a note and apologized. I took time to find kind words and apologize for my own contributions to our strained relationship.
Forgiveness is hard. It’s hard to apologize. It’s hard to
forgive.
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