Day 8: an unexpected footrub

Today I started reading (well,  listening) to brene brown book call imperfect parenting.  It's really more like a guide for how to live with grace as you fumble through this thing called raising kids. And really,  there would be way more books like it. 

There has been no other place that has revealed my humanity and brokenness to me quite like motherhood.  I can keep it together for work,  for school,  for church.... but motherhood is 24 hours a day with no breaks from the moment that 1st cry rings out for the rest of your life. I just can't keep my shit together ALL the time.  And yet,  I feel so much pressure to.  It is so important to do this right. 

So in listening to the book and walking Zander back from the park,  I took stock. How am I doing a being gentler.  I give myself a B- which isn't bad,  but I'm a straight As kind of girl and it is hard for me to swallow that minus sign.  I pondered where I did well,  where I could improve.  More strategies for handling overwhelm,  for catching myself before I react,  words I could say instead of what comes naturally. 

I thought about it all day.  Then,  Ulrich came home and he wasn't feeling good and I realized that I was solo parenting tonight - or at least I should be.  Instead of reaching in for any of the tools I had been mediating on,  I grabbed sarcasm of the shelf and showed less compassion than I should have... I was flustered by another unexpected change in my day.  I was rushed and many new things got added to my plate.  I wasn't gentle as I wanted to be...  maybe,  if I gave myself a little benefit of the doubt,  I was softer than usual but man... guilt comes right away. 

How can I suck so bad at this.  I literally thought/ about being gentler throughout the day,  only to blow it at the first interaction with my family when they came home.  I recovered ( in case you were worried that I completely blew it). We had a busy but beautiful evening.  But it still stuck with me.  How much grace do I need? Is there that much grace available?

I was getting the kids ready for bed and my grumpy,  lovable, honest, blunt Andrew came up to me. 

"Mom,  would you like it if I rubbed lotion on your feet?"

"Ya,  why are you thinking about doing that?:

"You're just doing really good right now. You're being a great mom. "

...

...

There is that much grace.  God showed up as a 7 year old with missing teeth and as a serious 9 year old today with a message of grace that runs deep.  Deep enough to absorb my imperfect parenting and my imperfect wife-ing. 

So I sat in my rocking chair and wrote this blog,  listening to soft piano music while my 9 year old rubbed my feet and reminded me that there is no where that we go where God does not come with us.