Day 30: could have used some caffeine today

After the 1st few days of adjusting,  I haven't really missed caffeine that much. I've missed the ritual of drinking good drinks. I've missed those quiet few minutes quite a bit.  But the caffeine was just a fun bump in energy. 

Until today...

Zander has new teeth coming in and a cold on top of that.  I was up all night.  Like watching shows and playing trains up. 

I knew I was going to be tired.  I had a lot on my to do list, but no caffeine to erase the sleepless night. 

I was not productive today.  On the couch with a cranky baby, thinking about my list. 

I'm naturally am ambitious kind of person.  I'll make my first to do list then I'll figure out how to add 3 more things.  Having children has been a long lesson in unproductivity. Children need me to be present.  They need my mind open and curious.  They need me not to be preoccupied with other thoughts.  This is hard for me. 

Some days after a full mothering day,  I look at a messy house and un-finished  to do list and wonder what I did with myself. 

I grew up placing a lot of value on hard work,  good grades,  doing all the right things and generally achieving things.  I feel unequipped for how to process activities that are deeply valuable and important but far from practical.  I've had to teach myself,  there are better things.  I've had to teach myself how to be unproductive. 

No caffeine means I can't artificially increase my energy and power through a day when I'm actually just exhausted.  

God values me for who I am,  simply.  I don't need to do all the things. Tomorrow is a new day,  my list will be there.  Tonight, I'll just be.