When I was little, my biggest dream was to be a researcher studying the Amazon rainforest. I was obsessed . I think, I was drawn to the place because life was so abundant there. Life in every crack and crevasse. Unique creatures of a million varieties, each with a special role to play.
This morning I woke up to morning news and texts...
Bombing children in Ukraine
Amazon rainforest close to tipping point, showing signs of turning into Savanah
A text from an alcoholic friend who is struggling
I've often heard that the word repent is to turn away from, to go the other direction. My heart has been heavy all day with a conviction that the world needs more repentance.
In pondering this, I started thinking about my own relationship with repentance. Truth be told I get squirmy. I was raised catholic until around 3rd grade. Long enough to have my first confession. My small self sat in a pretty sunlit chapel waiting for my turn to see the priest wreaking my brain to think of something wrong I had done and needed to confess.
As I got older, I grew a bit of distaste for the way the church speaks of sins and repentance on one hand and grace on the other. It is a dialog full of shame. A condemnation that humans are completely unworthy, unlovable. But God somehow in his grand majesty finds a way to pity and love us anyway. All because Jesus died.
This picture of God never landed quite right with me. How could God make us bad? How could God make us unlovable but then call us his children? Does a father not see his children as inherently good?
But just today, as I was pondering the news and the terrible things happening in the world and the verse "the wages of sin is death" a new way of thinking about this story came to mind.
For the past few weeks, I've been listening to Brene Brown's book called "Imperfect Parenting." The first section goes on a deep dive on the difference between guilt and shame and the use of shame as a parenting tool. Turns out that shame is a very effective parenting tool in terms to getting your child to alter their behavior. The problem is that shame in childhood can stay with someone for a lifetime. Shame dims our light and cuts our wings.
When shame tells you that you are unworthy and unlovable, guilt tells you that you are a good person who has made a bad choice. Shame is saying, "You are stupid. You're worthless." Guilt is "that was a really bad choice, your actions have ruined the evening. "
Coming back to repentance, it is what you hope for your children. You see them doing something destructive and you let them know about it and they choose a different path.
"The wages of sin are death"
Thinking about the 10 Commandments, the ground rules, they are a simple guide to a harmonious life on earth. All the death that echoed out of my radio this morning are the result of greed. And as I listened, I was convicted that I have things to repent for.
I'm not outright greedy. I don't feel shame about greed. But the simple truth is we are taking more than the earth has to give. We are wasteful. We waste energy and water and stuff. Life is full of convenience and disposable items. We are collectively making bad choices. We need to turn around. We need to go the other direction. I need to look in my heart and find those moments when I'm prioritizing myself and my convenience at the expense of others or of the earth. I need to get more comfortable with seeing myself in step with others and nature - getting less irritated by minor inconvenience or not having the exact right thing for the moment. Simpler living.
It is hard to watch your friends, your children, your spouse or your family make bad choices. But, we cannot control them. We cannot force them to make good choices. They have free will. And so do we. God will let us follow destructive paths. But God has decided it doesn't have to end with our destructive choices. God calls us to turn around, to turn away from our own ways and choose God's ways.
Peeling back more and more of myself is hard, but our world needs us to do the hard work. I trust God to walk with me as I try to take steps in a new direction.
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