I used to think faith was a belief.
Something I thought or knew to be true.
God was close.
A shadow that went with me everywhere.
Everything was more or less black and white and gloriously simple.
The older I've gotten, the more I've come to understand that God is unknowable. The universe is vast and complicated. And all that black and white have streamed together in a million shades of gray. What felt certain in my youth is riddled with unanswered questions and doubts and "what about" as I approach middle age.
This struggle with faith used to cause me to feel something like shame. I can't pinpoint the emotion exactly, but doubt and shades of gray condemned me to think that my faith was weak.
But, faith, I've realized is not something you know, it is a choice you make... like marriage. Not every moment of marriage has been the same pure heavenly bliss that I felt as a newlywed. In fact, marriage I've found is mostly the result of effort I've put in to love and communication and kindness even when I've felt distant from my husband. Love is a choice. It is a verb. It is hard but it is everything worth living for. Leaning into the mystery of God when it is unknowable and uncertain is what makes faith strong.
Faith is hard to distinguish from love in this way. It is a verb. It is a trusting God even when God feels a million miles away. Even when the earth and humanity suffer. Even if the church wounds you.. Even when you can't quite understand what happens after the veil of death is lifted. Faith is showing up to wrestle with God about all these things and trust that God will meet you even if it isn't on the time frame you hoped for.
Faith is a choice I make. Again and again.
No comments:
Post a Comment