When my mind is awake and I'm going about my day, my brain is relatively in control. I've worked hard on mental health and gathered a lot of tools to support emotional agility. But, at night, as I power down my brain, the part of me that is in charge of the ship punches out and my unruly thoughts can spin out of control. Sometimes this leads to insomnia or anxiety or full panic attacks.
I've noticed that the intensity tends to be seasonal and I have the hardest time in the months leading up to my birthday and to the new year when I'm more reflective about life - purpose, aging, etc - and less in busier seasons of spring and fall.
Laying off caffeine this lenten season has had the wonderful side effect of causing me to fall asleep faster. That, combined with the onset of spring and I've had almost perfect nights (well except for a baby who won't sleep 🙄)
But a few nights ago, my mind fell into one of those grooves and I had to work through it.
I was disappointed.
Lent has been pretty spiritually enriching this year. I haven't made any amazing revelations or anything but I have felt moments of God drawing near. Writing this blog as journal every night has felt, like it always does, as a very intentional practice of reflecting on God in that very day and moment. So how could I go from that directly to anxious thoughts as I fall asleep?
I've been thinking about this over the past few days and the role anxiety plays in my spiritual life. 🤔
I have two big thoughts on the matter:
1. My uninhibited thoughts at night can be a signpost for where I need to further work on my faith.
2. Anxiety is not a failure of faith but an invitation to choose faith even when I can't access it in the moment.
A few of my boys inherited my insomnia and I've been helping them to work through night time thoughts and ways to relax to sleep.
Middle of the night thoughts are hard. But there is no place where God does not rest with us.
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