As I grew, I felt so sure that God was with me wherever I went. God was a 3rd parent, invisible, ever present. I had a boldness and knew what my call was and was determined to follow it.
Then one day, it all crashed. I felt God leave and the certainty that defined my entire life disappeared. I prayed and prayed. It was like knocking on a hard thick wooden door. No answer.
I stayed steady with the call. I followed the plan in blind faith. Reminding myself that blessed are those who believe even if they do not see. Still, though, I prayed. I wanted to feel God near me again. I wanted faith to illuminate the day in and day out of my living.
And one day, I felt God working in my life again. I knew with deep certainty that I was in the right place and doing what I was called to do. And in that moment, my call changed. Nervous, I turned my life in a new direction trying to get my head around a new call. This one was fuzzy. It wasn't as clear as my previous chapter in life has been. It wasn't as exciting either. But in faith, I changed course and took each day at at time watching a new call unfold in my life.
As I did, God's presence seemed to fade out of my life. My faith didn't, but the certainty that God was close by in a way I could tangibly feel. For a long time I've been praying to feel that presence again but so far God is distant.
I've read that Mother Theresa and other people of great faith have had similar experiences. Faith as a practice, as a commitment, as a way of living even if the feeling is far away. I have grown in faith because of it. I have had to depend on scripture and faith practices to learn and grow. I've had to learn to trust God was present among us even when we can't perceive it.
Still, there is a longing. I look for God's footprints and fingerprints wherever I go. And Lent is a time when I can often attune myself better to the rhythms of grace.
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