I had known her, not well, but I had sent a card when she went home on hospice. I received a card back from her a day or two before she passed.
She was heavily involved with the church. I think she led the worship committee. So, when I heard about the celebration of life service, I knew the congregation would all be there.
With short notice, I thought about going and wondered what to do with the kids. I struggled all morning and eventually decided not to go. But my heart felt heavy all day. Being far from home, I've missed too many weddings and funerals in my extended family. I'm from a really large catholic family and it isn't tenable for me to make everything.
Here, in Livermore, I've been in the throws of raising young children and most of the time working excessive hours. Squeezed so tight, I've had very little to invest into community building.
All day my heart has been at church, holding a vigil for the woman who passed, feeling grief for her passing, for the funerals I've missed, for the community sized hole that I've had in my heart the past many years. In that space, I've pondered community and the role it plays in our life and in our faith walk. I've thought about the energy you need to put in, the messy nature of human relationships, the unhurried speed that you need to have to open yourself to the rhythm of community. In so many ways, community is counter cultural to the mainstream way we are expected to live. It made sense to me why so many churches are in decline.
And yet, the hole in my heart reminded me why we need community now more than ever.
The triune God demonstrates that living in relationship is a part of God's nature and essence. As created in God's image, we too are meant to live in relationship.
But it means dying to self. Taking time out of our schedule to show up. Taking effort and energy, patience and forgiveness.
I don't know quite how to do it but I want to. I am not giving up.
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