Day 31: A very short course in miracles

Today I found God speaking directly to a part of me that has long struggled in faith. What to think about miracles... Miracles are those amazing stories of coincidence that it too perfect to actually be coincidence. Change that is unexplainable. Healing that defies medicine.

When I was younger, I was amazed by miracles. There were things that I saw or heard that could only really be explained as miracles. At that point, my faith was relatively simple. Miracles happened, and so, I knew that God was. I knew there was more to God. But for me, miracles were a sort of proof. A measuring stick that I used to understand faith.

As I grew older, I saw life with less innocence and more nuance. I saw that miracles didn't always happen, no matter how faithful the prayers. I had a hard time reconciling my faith. There were more questions than answers.

Does God even exist - have I been making this all up in my mind?
Are miracles real or are they really just coincidences?
When and why does God show up and intervene in our lives?
How do we pray when we want God to show up?
What if God is silent? Why does God choose to withdraw the Spirit from us?

Today I think I've made some headway on these questions...

We ask for miracles often as a freedom from suffering. Healing, resources we don't have, angels to protect us. But I think God sees miracles as a moment to interject a lesson into someone's faith walk to catalyze change. God, I think, uses miracles to alter the course of our lives. As a sign or a guidepost for the path we are meant to walk. When I think of miracles in my own life or in the lives of people I know, they are holy moments that are life defining, path defining, call defining. Miracles give us conviction to be light.

When I think of it this way, I feel more certain about how to think about my prayers in situations where I want God to intervene. I feel compelled to pray for spiritual eyes. To see situations from the vantage point of faith. Maybe I should ask less about healing so and so and more ask that God be present in their path and guide them to the next part of their walk. I can't know their walk. I can't know how God should intervene but with faith, I can trust that even in silence, God is present and working.

Drawing us along our path doesn't always ease our suffering. In fact, sometimes the suffering is a refinement that molds us into what we can become. Sometimes it pushes us away from places we are not meant to go.

I know that I will probably struggle with these questions for a long time as I continue to mature in my walk. But I find a deep joy in recognizing that miracles are everywhere, all around me. Working to set people on courses where they can become who they were meant to be. And that miracles continue to be possible in my life.

Day 30: When God ride shares an Uber

Being a mom is kind of like hibernating.  You go into a cave and come out 18 years later. The world changes while you are away.  Leaving my littles behind and flying solo on a business trip is a tiny break in my otherwise hopeless disconnect from the world of adults. Today I rode my first Uber,  ate sushi at a hip young place and walked the streets of downtown Vancouver.

God decided to join me.  I piled into the Uber, a little late and a lot flustered as babies cried with small hands pressed against the front window.  We were on our way to SFO, an hour ride from my house.  After I settled in and let the stress  fall away the driver started on small talk. We talked about my trip, my business,  my kids,  his family and how he liked being a driver.  The conversion was natural and light and he asked more about my life and we eventually ended up on the subject of faith.

We spent nearly 45 minutes discussing world's religions and the similarities and differences between them.  God, natural truth and the inability to discern truth about God with the limited mind of a human being. The conversation was deep and wide. And in the largeness of it I felt like God was riding with us.  Like a road to Emmaus.

It was a conviction of a faith I hold so close. One full of contradictions,  absolute truths and nuanced interpretations. And I realized that even as I parent each of my children differently,  knowing their strengths and limitations,  needs and desires. So does God parent each of us differently. Our journey is our own. And so God comes to us in the way we can best receive. Sometimes,  that includes ride sharing an Uber.

Day 29: Kissing my babies before I head out the door

I am taking my first solo trip since 2013. I am headed to Vancouver for a few nights to attend a conference on fertility and Chinese medicine. 

For the past 4 years,  there have been very few nights that I've slept without a baby snuggled into me.  Rocking Miles, I think I will miss him most.  We've never been apart. It will be hard for both of us. But everything will be ok.

Faith is trust.  I trust that my guys will be fine while I'm gone. I know in my heart that it's ok to leave them even if they cry at the door while I walk away. (I really hate that part).

Faith in God is that way too. A trust.  A confidence. Something you know in your heart even when circumstances dictate otherwise.  God is love.  God is present.  Even when it feels that he is silent and distant. (I also really hate that part).

Faith comes from relationship.  I know my boys are ok because I know them in and out.  I know that they feel safe and secure and have inner strength to thrive with a few independent days.  Only my intuition as a mother lets me know that. My confidence is borne from my experience in loving them.

My experience with God comes from a path long walked together.  I know God because I've walked with God.  The path has had ups and downs, moments of closeness and distance.  But,  my children are confident because they know I will be there when they need me.  I am confident that the Spirit is present with me and will give me peace in moments where I need it most.

Day 28: Autism speaks

Today was an "autism" day. We've made so much progress over the past few years that I don't have that many of them anymore.  But today wad a solid reminder of the path we've journeyed.

Autism is hard on moms.  If you take a normal tantrum and amplify it ten fold then also multiply the number of "triggers" by ten.  That might be baseline for an autism mom.  When it's bad,  we don't want to breathe the wrong way because it's exhausting.  And it's so hard to see your kid unable to cope with a world that scratches him like sandpaper. You can't fix him. You can't change the world and you feel like a failure as a mother.

Today involved spitting on multiple people,  multiple changes of clothing,   and endless refocusing. I have a handful of tricks that I've mastered like a Jedi to combat days like this.  But today.... autism won. I'm exhausted.

"I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

There were so many nights that I stayed up with Andrew helping him fight back thoughts and fears that wouldn't let him sleep.  So many hours that I sat hopeless on the floor with Philip watching him space out and wondering if he would ever call me mom.  I armed up the best I could with knowledge,  resources,  whatever I could get my hands on.  But ultimately,  I resolved that I couldn't beat down autism. And I had to place my hope in..."my power is made perfect in weakness"

Together.  Love, faith and baby steps, we've come a long way. I am humbled and grateful to see how well they are all doing.  But the thorn is still there.  It always will be.  But that is ok.  God's power is made perfect in weakness and his grace is sufficient for us. Days like today are a good reminder of that.

Day 27: Who is Jesus?

The lectionary is a set of readings for each Sunday of the year.  During the season of lent, the gospel lesson focuses on the heart of Christian faith as the season initially was a period for new believers to learn the faith in preparation for baptism at the Easter vigil.

I've come to love this ancient tradition and have baptised each of my boys at Easter using lent as a period to reassess my faith and come back to the basics.

Who is Jesus? What did he teach? Who or what is God? How does Jesus relate to God? What does this mean for my life?

This year's Lenten readings are my favorite.  To me,  they best illustrate the heart of Jesus and the essence of Christian faith. In each story, Jesus meets someone. One on one. Alone. In the midst of their reality and invites them to a fundamental change. 

Nicodemus, a religious teacher comes at night with deep questions about faith.  Jesus says let go of what you think you know and start over with your assumptions.  

An outcast woman comes with a broken life.  Jesus says God accepts you, find wholeness.  

A blind man comes as an object lesson in how God punishes people by causing misery.  Jesus says God cannot be nailed down and grace is bigger then human wisdom. 

Lazarus sisters come with tears that thier brother has died.  Jesus says God is bigger than death.

Here's what I've learned about Jesus:

Jesus hangs out with people that no one likes. Jesus makes a point of punching holes in stereotypes. He is clear that there is a chair at the table for everyone.

But his way is not easy. He cuts to the heart of what you will and won't let go of in life and asks you trust him as he leads you completely out of your comfort zone. Following Jesus means being ready to make sacrifices.  Jesus walked the road of sacrifice and ultimately love had the final say. 

Jesus is difficult and confusing. 

There is a veil that separates us from fully understanding God. Jesus is perhaps our best window into the heart of God. We wrestle with Jesus hoping to find a way to pin down God.  But God cannot be pinned down. God is unknowable. 

Faith is coming back again and again to be reshaped by our encounters with God trusting that our limited vision will someday be made complete.

Day 26: Patience... kids pushing me to the edge

I had a clear plan for the evening.  We had gone for a long walk and purchased dough to make pizzas and some craft supplies for a project we had been meaning to do.  The plan was to make pizza then while it was baking, do the craft. Eat dinner,  then cuddle on the couch for a movie.

It didn't happen that way. Well,  it kind of did. Everything took much longer than expected so we went from dinner straight to bed.  There was spilled paint, flour on everything, water dumped on the floor, a crying baby for extra color and lots of quarreling along siblings along the way.

I yelled more than I wanted to. I didn't stay in a bad mood,  I was able to recover and enjoy a mostly pleasant evening despite some pretty epic fails but there were several brief moments where I lost my temper. 

I'm not exactly sure what separates moments when we can stay calm from ones where we lose it.  With our kids,  in our cars,  with our spouses,  at customer service.... There are moments that test us. Sometimes I am completely unrattled and others something inside breaks,  momentarily,  and I come unglued.

Ulrich rarely does.  I think in the 10 years we've been married he's lost his temper only a handful of times. But even with him,  the times where he has gotten visibly angry aren't necessarily the most stressful or provoking.  They seem like random moments when all the right elements were present to set him off.

One of the fruits of the spirit is self control. I do feel that faith has something to do with patience. I feel like I'm better at keeping it together when I'm more in touch with my faith.  But,  even then,  I'm not perfect.  Age seems to help.  The older I get, the more I find the humility to let things go. But like the rest of it,  I'm still a work in progress.

I always feel bad when I yell at the boys.  But I've found that it is a perfect opportunity to teach them grace. Even mommy isn't perfect.  Sometimes she gets frustrated too. Sometimes she needs a time out and she needs to say sorry. And mommy can get a do over,  and she can do it right the second time.  Being honest about my flaws with them creates safety for all of us to work on parts of ourselves that are weak as a family.  They can get do overs too. They can get it right on the next go round

Love does that.  Love accepts who you are and pushes you to be better.

Day 25: Content, but not satisfied

Life is good right now. It has its ups and downs. But zooming out from the day to day stresses,  I couldn't be more grateful. I am content.  My heart overflows with love and passion. 

I think as I've grown older I've learned to live more in the present.  Living in the present soaks in moments and memories.  Living in the present frees you from worrying about how things will turn out. By no means have I mastered the art of letting go of tomorrow but I've come a long way.   

In my 20s, I spent so much time worrying and wondering about the future:

what I would be,  

if I would marry,  

if I would have children.  

I was building a plan but life came along and changed everything. 22 year old me would not believe it If you told her that she would eventually live in northern California,  marry a scientist,  have 4 sons and start a sperm company.  I'm not sure which one of those things would have been the most surprising,  but I can tell you that none of them were on my life plan.

As life has unfolded,  I've come to accept that the future is a mystery,  unknown and yet to be shaped. The best way to build a better tomorrow is to wrestle with problems today rather then ponder a theoretical future... In short to  be dissatisfied.  I am content but I am far from satisfied.

The world is full of things that need changing.  Problems are complicated and they shift slightly day by day as we as a human race collectively struggle to evolve.  Sometimes we take steps forward,  sometimes we back track.

Living in the present,  we are able to see where the world's problems intersects with our life trajectory. Being dissatisfied gives us the motivation and the courage to take action when any opportunity to facilitate change that the world needs crosses your path. Faith is trust that there is a greater force that you can tap into.

And God will be there.

When the spirit blows you find yourself with more courage than you have on your own. More wisdom.  More strength. ... More of everything you need to be the change you are being invited to be. 

Day 24: I was brave and the crowd went wild

Public speaking normally doesn't bother me. Most of the time it energizes me.  But today I was in a pitch competition and it tied knots in my stomach.

5 minute pitches are one of the dark arts of silicon valley.  Every word is calculated and bares weight. The pitch is memorized but must come off as authentic and natural. I haven't pitched in a long time.  So stepping up to this plate felt like a piano recital where I was reading the music for the first time. 

I got a pitch coach to get some feedback.  He chewed me up and spit me out.  I was nervous that I didn't have enough time to prepare and considered backing out. Besides,  I had lots of other important work to do. Was it really worth all the energy that I knew it would take. 

All week, I repeated my words in the car as I drove.  Adding a word here,  removing one there.  Repeating phrases until they fell off my tongue naturally. The day came.  I knew I wouldn't embarrass us but I also knew thatI didn't have it down quite yet. 

I was sitting in the seat waiting for my turn.   I've been tracking my heart rate with an app on my phone.  I was curious if the nervousness had an impact on my body.  My normal resting heart rate is around 60. It was at 112. Similar to what it looks like after a run. I took some breathes. I tried to let it pass.  I repeated key phrases under my breath. 

The big moment came.  Music came on, my name was announced and I stepped on stage. 3 slides in people started laughing unintentionally turning one of my sentences into a really fun pun.  I stopped and said to everyone "Ha, that is a pretty funny pun. " From that moment my script blended with improvizational light heartedness and being on stage felt easy.  I let go of worrying about how calculated my words were and started cracking jokes making my business more approachable. People were listening.  They were laughing.  Afterwards they came up to me and talked all about what we were doing. They heard the message.  They understood it. Investors congratulated me and asked me to come pitch at their offices. 

I think sometimes in life, we try too hard.  Being brave sometimes just means showing up,  even if you don't know how it is going to go.  I could have crashed and burned. But I decided to be brave anyway. 

Faith is courage of the heart.  Believing is showing up with trust even when you can't see clearly the next step ahead. It is easier to turn back than to step into the unknown. 

Faith builds character and perseverance. We get up on stage even if we don't know what we are going say. We follow God into the desert even if we don't know where we are going. We let go of control and live in an uncomfortable place of wondering "what now"  Faith builds hope.  Hope is a light that pierces darkness in our world.

So stand up and get on stage. Take that step.  Follow that call.  Wrestle with God. The world needs all the light it can get and we find our light when we are brave enough to look.

Day 23: Inefficiency

Life is inefficient and sometimes that drives me crazy.  Life is full of relationships.  People have emotions.  Emotions create friction. Friction uses up energy that could be directed towards accomplishing a goal.

Faith is also inefficient.  It is not a destination but a journey.  Sometimes that really bothers me.  Why can't I just have a goal and do it well.  All this learning and humility and wrestling unanswerable questions feels like a waste of time.  It's an internal friction that uses up your energy. It's hard to achieve things when your thoughts rolling over and over things that are hard. Especially letting go of pride. It's such a hard fight... "but i need to stand up for me... I matter...I deserve this... i need to let go.  . I should forgive... i should love " the record rolls on and on and we fight our inner selves.

It's easy to value efficiency.  Getting things done.  Moving life forward.  The hidden work of faith is harder to recognize. What can you accomplish by finally letting go and accepting faith? Meaning in life doesn't come only from the walls we build or the number of beans we count.  It comes from the lives we touch,  the love we give and receive, and the flaws we overcome.

So as I get worked up over how much time I'm "wasting" on "relationships" and "self growth" I remind myself that life is a journey.  God calls me to walk it,  not to achieve it.  One way or another I reach the other end and who I am will be more important than what I've achieved.

Day 22: Miles is learning to crawl

They say you have to crawl before you walk.

Anyone who has spent a good amount of time with babies can tell you that they would much rather walk than crawl and that leaning to crawl may  be one of the most frustrating experiences in the planet. 

Miles is right there.  He wants to move.  He understands that he is limited by his inability to move and yet he can't quite figure it out. In fact,  I think his frustration is slowing down his progress. Rather than systematically exploring how each of his limbs works, he flails them all at once and spends a whole lot of energy moving no where.

Watching him from the outside is amusing.  He contorts his body in the funniest ways and often ends up with a giant faceplant. Luckily, he's a pretty good sport and looks up at me,  half crying and half laughing with his toothy grin.

I soak in the moments watching him.  He will soon be running with his brothers.  And as I watch him try and try again, I start to think that faith looks at lot like learning to crawl.

Flail. Face plant.  Panic.  Flail again.  Stop. Look around. Realize  I haven't even moved. And we would all much rather walk,  better yet,  run.

I seem to learn a lot of the same lessons again and again... patience,  humility,  perseverance, trust,  letting go,  love. I think I have them down,  but practicing them all at once looks like an uncoordinated attempt at grace.

And I think God watches me like I watch Miles. Mildly amused and rooting for me, knowing one day I'll eventually figure it out.

Day 21: Man up

It's ironic that it is the first day of spring.  It felt like winter was trying to grip it's fingers into my soul and push back the be life that is starting to take root.

It was a hard day. To be honest,  I'd much rather knock back a beer than sit here and write this blog.  Work sucked. The kids sucked.  Friends called with horrifically shitty days. I've scratched my head for the last hour or so wondering what I could write about.

I thought about a particular friend who is facing rough times.  She called today with bad news.  I had nothing particularly uplifting to say. I don't have a crystal ball. I can't tell her everything will be ok. I don't think she was much in a space to be cheered up. Sometimes life hands you a shit ball.  Not much deep about it.  It just... sucks.

After thinking about it a while,  I texted her "Job's friends came and sat with him in the dirt while he suffered through it.  I just wanted to let you know, I'm sitting in the dirt with you. "

Remembering this as I was considering what to write today,  I looked up Job and smiled to read one of my all time favorite verses:

[God said] "Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you, and you shall answer me. “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?"

Other translations say "gird up your loins."

Man up, Job.  If you want to enter into an argument with God,  you better have some big stones.

Where were you when I laid the earth's fountain?

Good point, God.

The whole following chapter is a verbal smack down by God basically putting humanity in it's place.  We,  don't know shit... basically. 

I like this verse (and chapter) on days like today because what do you say back to God? .... you can't respond with anything.  I feel like complaining about problems in my mortal,  limited life. And God doesn't come back with a soft response.  God says,  wanna complain.  Step up to the plate. 

No thanks.  I'll just assume you got this God.  Thanks for knocking sense into my head.

Day 20: Pressure to be perfect

There is so much pressure these days to be perfect. To have all the answers.  To be right.... and to do life in the best possible way.  After all,  we only have one shot and we shouldn't waste time messing it up.

We have to choose (and defend our choices) about career... because we absolutely have to have a life plan that is perfectly mapped out once we enter our 20s.  After all,  what is the first thing people ask a new graduate...Do you know what you are going to do with your life?We have to be in shape.  Eat well. Exercise regularly.   Keep our stress levels in check.  Have perfectly balanced friendships with the right people who will make us grow.  Heaven forbid there be any "drama" or "unhealthy relationships." Because if we communicate well enough and include and exclude people perfectly,  we shouldn't have to feel pain.  Manage our money well. Stay out of debt.  Pay off our debt. 

In short, we are all under a lot of pressure to have our shit together.

This is especially true when we become parents.  Not only can we not screw up our lives but we are also forever liable for not screwing up the lives of our kids. The pressure can be unreal. Moms everywhere internalize it.  We feel guilty for not making every moment perfect.  Guilty for not savoring those quirky "unperfect" moments that "won't last." Guilty for feeling guilty.  Then we yell at our kids and feel like absolute crap.

The internet has all the information we could ever need, so there is no reason for us to get it wrong .. i mean, just Google "the correct way to fold a fitted sheet." There is an optional,  best way to do everything from taxes to vacations to get the must out of it. This makes it hard to make decisions. Since there is a right answer, we have the responsibility to find it.  If we spend enough time doing research,  reading reviews and planning ahead, we could possibly not screw our lives up (or more importantly,  our kids lives. )

I feel this pressure.  I have fretted over exactly what each of my kids needed to be "most successful" in life. I've needed to make the "right" decisions to keep my business on track.  I've needed to organize my house and ideally,  if it could have Pinterest worthy storage labels,  that would be best.  I mean,  there has to be a "cute" way to organize my junk drawer,  right?!?  I even feel immensely responsible to "make weekends count" .... to rest well enough and deep enough, to make make memories, to fill my kids cups. Not to mention all the social pressure to be more involved with school and church,  send out Christmas cards and connect with all the people I love on a regular basis.

I can't do it.  One way or another life doesn't add up.  Work - life balance swings towards work,  then towards life,  never settling in the middle.  I constantly organize and reorganize our house. Purging and simplifying. I cut things from my schedule.  I try not to do to much. I try to do enough. I try.  I try. I try.  Then, I look up from  helping with homework to realize I've burnt dinner . Defeated,  I turn on a movie and feed my kids cheese-its.

If life has taught me anything,  it's taught me that I can't live it perfectly.

If God has taught me anything,  it's that the gap between the perfect life I want and my inability to create it is...faith.

Faith doesn't remove consequences from our lives.  But it is a trust that God will be present with us,  no matter what....
and..
God will use us with our imperfections.

We can turn left or right and it will be ok because faith is a journey of many roads.  There isn't one perfect path that we have to follow to finish life without regret. It can be terrifying to let go and live with faith.  What if I get old and realize that out wasn't the right path? I can't undo life once I've lived it.

By letting go of the outcome, I can focus on the journey. If I don't worry about having a perfect vacation,  I can be open to the road and enjoy the scenery.   If I don't worry about living the perfect life,  I can be open to the life God has set before me.  Lent is a good time to remind myself of this and let myself off the hook.

"My burden is light and my yoke is easy..."

Day 19: lead us not into temptation

(This reflection is from some days ago but it has been stirring around in my heart to find good words for it)

7:35am. "Come get my money. "

It was just starting to get light.  I had already been working a while.  For her,  I'm sure the night had bled into morning.  Slowly, I packed up my laptop. got into my car and drove across town. I waited in the parking lot. She handed me everything she had and I drove her somewhere to sleep off the demons from the night before.

Addiction is complicated.  Like autism, I think addiction is better described as a spectrum.  On one end lies strong biological addictions that require medical intervention because the withdraw is so powerful that it can literally kill you. On the far other side are all the little bad habits,  picking your nose,  biting your nails,  nervous tapping. Strong behavioral addictions that we don't even notice.  They bypass our will and run on auto pilot.

"Let he without sin,  cast the first stone. " I would wager that not one of us are completely free from addiction.  There are a million vices to calm us and try to fill the void.  Sex,  information,  food, facebook,  cigarettes,  caffiene, marijuana, alcohol, gambling,  shopping... They are all pacifiers when life overwhelms us.  We're all recovering.  It takes courage to admit that and to ask for help.

That morning, I might venture to say that my friend was the more faithful of the two of us.  Shining light into a dark place, she turned her back on temptation and choose mercy instead. Maybe during this season of redemption more of us can find courage to lay down our pacifiers.

Day 18: Date Night

Tonight I went out to dinner with my better half.  We were completely lame and did exactly what most people would have expected us to do.  Talk about science and business models and raising our boys to become good men.  But we had a beer and calimari and listened to live music.  The weather was nice and we held hands and walked.

Sometimes love is simple and easy to understand. It's like your favorite jeans or jamming out in the car when your favorite song comes on the radio.  It's so easy to recognize. You look at it and say... that's love. It's especially easy to see in old couples who have been together forever.  There just something uncomplicated about it. Love.

That doesn't make it easy.  Being married to this man for nearly 10 years,  birthing 4 children and working together side by side at our startup has certainly had it's share of ups and downs.  Love also looks like forgiveness,  patience,  and acceptance.  It looks like sacrifice and commitment.  It looks like foolishness and a swallowing of your pride. Every day of working on it together is another layer adding to the depth. Until the give and take is seamless. One ends where the other begins.

The Christian view of God has a perfect relationship at the heart. If you take love to the fullest,  you end up with the Trinity. One but three. Three but one.  Love perfected.

God invites us into relationship.  Like marriage,  faith isn't easy.  Day by day letting go,  trusting,  growing,  listening,  praying. But it isn't a toil any more than marriage is.  When I look at people who have a deep,  mature faith,  I see the something similar to an old couple's love.... or like something that has been really well designed.  It's simple, majestic,  beautiful, easy and comfortable. We end where God begins and vice versa. Like my marriage,  my faith is still a work in progress. Some days easier than others.

Day 17: Earning a gold star

I've implemented a new program for my boys to help them grow in face of unique strengths and weaknesses.  It's basically a life version of boy scout badges. I bought little moleskin notebooks for each of them and have pages written up where they can earn stickers for completing tasks. If the page gets full of stickers over the course of days or weeks and they've mastered the skill,  they get a badge to display on the wall in thier room. 

We have badges for all sorts of things... getting dressed badge,  tooth brushing badge,  programming badge, chemistry badge, subtraction,  courage and taking care of baby... to name a few.

Tonight as they got ready for bed,  they were so motivated to earn stickers for thier books.  They quickly took off clothes, folded them and put them away.  Brushed teeth completely.  I watched them and smiled  (mostly feeling like a badass parent).

Then,  thinking about this post,  I thought about my day.  We don't really grow out of getting gold stars.  We need someone to tell us that we are doing a good job. The older we get,  the less people think to tell us that.  The more we have the responsibility for being the grown up and handing out stars to those around us. 

I thought about this because today I had several conversations where I felt that "here's your gold star" feeling.  Inside,  I was like a little kid jumping up and down with my artwork in hand. "You really really like it? ...Mom, mom,  did you hear that?!?... I did a good job. "

Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable,  to recognize our need to be loved and accepted creates space for God to love us.  It creates space for gratitude when someone takes the time too recognize your human gifts and that can put a little oil in your lamp for nights that are long and dark. Today,  I got a little oil in my lamp. Praying for the grace to use it to burn a little brighter. God knows the world could use all the light we can muster. 

Day 16: Letting Go

Sometimes we care so much about something it is hard to let it go.

It's not too often that I spend time on stuff that I don't care about.  I'm wired to breathe with purpose.  Each of us are made uniquely and one of my things is pouring my soul into stuff. At times,  I  tell myself to just do the minimum,  but I'm the guy with 87 pieces of flare.

One of the downsides of investing large amounts of energy into things is that they are not,  by nature sustainable.  Eventually,  a day comes when I have to let go of something I've poured my whole self into and watch it thrive or whither without my intervention. I used to be terrible at this.  My heart would break. Sometimes for days and months.  A form of grief.

These days,  I'm better at it, but I'm not sure I'll ever have the grace I see in other people. But I  can confidently say I've come a long way.  Letting go is the constant call of faith. Trusting an unknown future that you can't control.  Consequences are real. Sometimes things don't go to plan. But faith is leaning in and trusting in something unseen beyond the wins and fails of life.

I sit here in the dark room as my boys drift off to sleep.  One day,  I'll have to let go of them. Trusting I've given them what they need for their journey and that the rough patches and dark valleys that they will face are just as important as the mountain peaks. As much as I pour myself into helping them get off to a good start,  one day I'll turn responsibility over to them and I'll have to watch and probably pray that they choose gentler roads.

It makes me wonder if this journey requires faith on the part of God.  We have free will after all to choose any path.  As much as the spirit pours into us, God allows us to make bad choices. Somehow the essence of love is letting go of control and trusting deeply that all the love and passion you pour out takes root somewhere.

For me,  the loving part is easy.  The letting go will take me years to fully get right.

Day 15: Disjointed

My day was interrupted.  Things didn't go to plan and the day ended up being broken into lots of little bits of time which made it hard to achieve anything.

It takes time to wrap my head around a task or direction and by the time I did,  it was nearly time to move on to the next thing. As a society,  we value productivity and days like this can stick in my side and feel like I didn't get anything done.

Life with small children is inevitably full of starts and stops. Lost shoes,  diaper changes,  hungry, crying,  wanting a particular seat or cup or pair of socks. It can be endless. Some days,  I have endless patience. On those days, things seem to go smoother.  I preemptively think of all the small things and magically the day clicks. On others, I start off with a shorter fuse and by the 3rd ridiculous request I'm ready to lose it.

Patience seems tied with my own self well being.  When all is well,  patience come easier.  When I'm sick or hungry or tired or self doubting or feeling inadequate,  every little iterating thing feels like a major insult to my sanity.  I find that when I'm honest and name my deeper issue,  I can take a deep breathe and get a "do over. " If I think about it,  my shorter fuse days happen more often when I feel the need to be productive.  When I need to justify who I am by what I've achieved.

Unlike work,  love does not really require focus.  The 5 minutes here and there can be deeply meaningful if I allow it to be. If i can accept that this season in life has me on half-empty and worry less about what I'm achieving and more about how I'm connecting,  I find that days like this are more graceful. I am able to look back over them and celebrate moments where love showed up.  Ultimately,  the more moments like that we can find space to create,  however brief they may be, with our kids, our co-workers, strangers,  fill the gap that separates heaven from earth. The more we find ways to cast ourselves aside to act with patience and kindness, the more we live out the prayer..."Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven."

Day 14: Why can't we freeze time?

Miles just hit hide 8th month. He's social, happy and on the verge of mobile.  I'm lying on the floor as I write this and he is desperately trying to climb over me.  I know what's right around the corner... crawling,  walking,  running... toddler.

Instinctively, I want to freeze time.  Tell him to slow down.  My heart is happy for the joyful baby he is and at same time grieving because I know how short his time as a baby will be. Mothers everywhere hold this guilt.  They try best they can to treasure up every moment with thier babies before they grow.  Older women tell you it's a blink of an eye and then they are gone.  Inside you panic.  You don't want them to be gone.  You don't want this amazing, wonderful gummy faced baby to grow up. 

Why? Why do we pull at time trying to keep it still? Jesus went up a mountain with Peter. On top of that mountain,  he was transformed and glowed with glory.  Moses and Elijah were there.  Peter had that very human instinct to try to freeze time. Let's just stay like this forever.... why not? It was perfect.  The world was whole and God was present.  Was there any reason not to stay?

But Jesus did not stay there.  He climbed down the mountain and rode on to Jerusalem. Directly into dark days he knew were coming.

Our children grow up.  Our lives change.  College glory days replaced with a mini van.  Noisy house replaced with retirement.  Seasons that bring each thier own joys and challenges.  God calls us to live the journey fully.  One step in front of the next.  As much as there are mountain tops where we would love to freeze time,  there are valleys to learn from and mountains beyond mountains to climb.

Miles will soon be a toddler. But today,  he is not.  He's a lovey little baby and so I soak up the cuddles while I can. I'll just have to trust God with the rest.

Day 13: Listening and being heard

I had a conversation that made me ponder what it feels like when someone is listening to you,  when your voice is heard.   I can't really think of anything that honors a human being more than giving them a voice and truly listening to what they have to say.

These days, I think we are trained to tune things out. Advertisements,  telemarketers... 1,000's of messages compete each day for our attention. So we master the art to selective listening. We must.  Our brains just can't process that much information. 

Politics of the day drive us deeper into holes, typecasting people on the other side of the fence. But telemarketers, political opponents and the like aside, how much do we really listen?... to our spouse,  our children, our co-workers, friends,  relatives? 

Personally,  I spend more time than I care to admit thinking about my responses while someone is still talking.... or synthesizing the conversation thinking that I've already gotten the jist of what they are trying to communicate. Or if i am going to be completely honest,  sometimes I tune out completely thinking about my to do list or major concern of the day.

What if, instead,  I just listened. Completely.  Fully.  What if I honored people I by making more space for them too be heard?  What if I amplified thier voice by creating opportunities for other people to listen? What if someone decided to do the same for me?

Jesus left us with a single command...

 love each other. 

I might make more progress on that if I set my own agenda aside.  If I stopped worrying so much about who was listening to me and truly set myself to the task of listening.

Day 12: Lent is hard

I've officially reached the point in this Lenten journey where it gets hard.  Nearly every year I reach this point. 

I get irritated by what ever I gave up, feeling like it was silly to give that thing up.  I feel tired and confused.  I don't see God around here,  why am I going to all this trouble?

Spiritual disciplines are hard.  They require patience, humility, and perseverance. The change God works in us is like a butterfly in a cacoon. Profound but on the surface it can look like nothing is happening.  Day by day, little by little or souls are carved by persistence in our disciplines.

 Like in years past,  I don't feel like anything is happening.  I would rather ignore this commitment to create space for God in my life.  It is all so inconvenient.... But I know God has been drawing near.  Shaping me and my path. I can see small traces of new life growing in and around me.

Onward.  Though the path be uncertain or difficult. I'm not walking it alone. Nether are you. 

Day 11: How does the ocean always do that?

We ended the day by taking the kids to Alemeda to play on the beach.  Whether we go for an hour, an afternoon or a day, there seems to be something magic about going there. We step momentarily out of life and into a deep amazing peace.  All of us. The boys dig into the sand and water.  The water stretches out forever.  The San Francisco skyline is hazy in the distance. The sand squishes between my toes.  The breeze is light and salty. I put down my phone (except for pictures) and life seems to pause.

We go to the beach when work is stressful. We go to the beach when the weather is nice. We go when the kids need space. Regardless of what life is like before we get there,  we land and peace settles upon us.

"Peace be with you. " Jesus breathed on the disciples.  I imagine his words to feel like the expanse of the ocean. Infinite,  calm,  consuming. Like those first steps onto the sand. Life melts away and peace gently wraps around you.

Continuing my Lenten journey towards the cross and peace that passes understanding.

Day 10: Passed out

I usually write these posts from my phone while laying on the floor of my boys' bedroom as they drift off to sleep. The past few nights,  I've been overcome with sleepiness and passed out on their floor instead of writing my post.

There is in life, moments when biology is stronger than our will. Sometimes you want to stay awake.  You try.  But you can't. You slip into sleep.   Exhaustion, illness,  child birth, death.  When,  despite our best efforts to be in control.... biology ultimately controls us and we are just present in it. In those moments,  I think God is also present.  We have no choice but to surrender. And,  when we finally let go, the Spirit enters.

God is a mystery.  Particularly on the other side of death. What lies there I have struggled with my whole life... and my while life still I will probably continue to struggle with it.  But,  faith is trust not proof.  In the other moments in my life that required deep surrender, God has shown up. 

I've come to think that maybe death it's like birth. Child birth is hard. You try to control it.  You try to mentally stay on top.  But... eventually...you reach a point where you just can't.  You literally can't cross the gulf from where you are to the place where you will be when that baby is out.  But then,  it happens to you.  The pain overwhelming.  The effort past exhaustion... and then.. a cry. Joy.  Life.  That moment where pain collides with life.  That,  I believe,  is where God is most fully experienced.

Day 9: I have amazing flaws and I think that's ok

Today felt amazing.  I surprise myself when I consider how much my life is defined by my own perspective. Reflecting on the difference between days when I feel like my life is stuck in some dark rut and when I feel on top of the world,  there isn't always all that much different... except my own feelings.

I have strong,  wild emotions.  They at times are a remarkable strength lending me deep compassion or courage or persistence.  But they can lead me down paths I don't need to travel.  Fill my mind and heart with unnecessary negativity. And being the open book that I am,  all the good,  the bad and the ugly shows right up on my sleeve.

Because of this life, for me,  is an ongoing  battle of wills with my emotions.  Harnessing them and channeling them in a direction to make them an asset rather than a liability.  This battle is a place where I often meet God. Turning what could easily be a grave weakness into a strength a glimpse into the paradox of faith.  Working through the flaws in creation reveals the heart of God. 

I imagine my own children.  Their incredible flaws.  As a parent,  I feel a responsibility to help them overcome those flaws.  It is a great love that pushes to meet them dead center of those flaws and invite them to who they can be.

Love meets us in the heart of the flaws that make us who we are and invites us to who we can become. 

Day 8: The first nice day of spring

Growing up in the Midwest,  there was something magical almost holy about the the first nice day of spring.  The temperature might not even get above 50, but the sun would come out,  crocuses would peek their tiny heads above ground and the entire state would go outside. Barefoot,  tank tops,  radios,  picnics, frisbees and BBQ. On that magic day we would pretend it was the middle of summer. Grateful for the break in the cold and hopeful for warm days ahead.

We all knew in our heart that winter wasn't over.  That late February or early March would be simply unfathomablely early to banish snow for good. But we all pretended that perfect weather day would never end.

Living the past 10 years in California,  I don't get the magic of that first spring day in quite the same way.  But this year,  it has stayed chilly and gloomy a bit more than average.  Today was a real break in the weather that reminded my heart of the joy it used to feel at the onset of spring.

I think we all need signs of hope.  We may all have rough days ahead of us but the promise of spring... new life... water,  respite, renewal can go a long way in keeping our resolve to stay strong and preserve. Hope is essential to the human condition and the defining characteristic of lent. 

The season that begins "dust to dust and ashes to ashes" ends with any empty tomb.  How we get there is a mystery but hope,  tangible like the first day of spring,  goes forth beckoning us to follow trails unmarked to beauty not yet imagined.

Day 7: Being who you are made to be

I think for most of us,  life is a journey of discovering who we are and what we were made to do in the world. 

My brother found his path in high school. He wanted to help people live better through the vocation of physical therapy.  He studied it.  He worked hard.  He is damn good at it. 

Some people are called. Some are passionate.  Some are uniquely skilled. Watching people discover their path is one of my favorite pastimes. The part of us made in the image of God - creative,  life - giving. To find our call is to find our best opportunity to reflect God into the world.

I've always wrestled deeply with this. Unlike my brother, I am a bit of an odd duck. Fueled by an intense passion to make the world better,  I've traveled many roads. A jack knife of sorts,  I have a lot of skills but none stand out as particularly stronger than the others. Sometimes along my way my call is strong. I know who I am and what I am meant to be in that moment.  Other times, it feels weaker.  I lose my place. I get out of sync with life and I need to step back and pray.

Softening my heart, I seek to allow myself be molded back into the creation I was made to be.  If I get my will out of the way enough,  perhaps God will work in and through me to shine light into the world.

Day 6: The desert

Where are we going?

I feel like when I look to encounter God,  the Spirit often calls me into the wilderness. The wilderness feels like a worthless place to spend time.  Why did Jesus go there for 40 days? Why did the Israelites wonder there for 40 years? Isn't there a more efficient means to tap into what God calls you to be?

A few weeks ago,  I took the kids on a brief vacation to the desert. It happened to be the only place ion the state where it was not raining. I've never really been a fan of the desert but I'll admit,  in the winter, early spring it's kind of nice. There were pockets of life shooting forth after getting a bit of water.

I wonder if that's the point.  Maybe the wilderness is a place that is empty and hungry.  So when the rain finally comes we are ready to spring to life... or maybe it is to teach us gratitude for all the bounty of the promise lands in our lives. 

Whatever the reason,  the wilderness is not usually a fun place to be.  It's lonely, confusing and desolate. But it is a necessary part of faith and so again I trod into the wild spaces of faith hoping and praying that the Spirit will meet me there.

Day 5: mandatory meditation

The practice of mediation is to create quiet space to focus your mind and let go other worries.

Being sick is a form of mandatory meditation.  Typically, when I feel really sick my mind hyper focuses on the symptoms. The fever. The sore throat.  The upset stomach.  As I settle into bed and begin to rest,  the magnitude of my headache starts to go down.  When I stand up,  it comes back strong.

It dawned on me that my ability to focus on my body and my breath is much higher when I am sick due to this natural interest in monitoring my symptoms?  I wondered then,  if it were an ideal opportunity to pray.

Prayer is meditation where the focus is on God,  rather than self.  Could I take my meditative focus and lift it from myself to heaven. There was a deep quiet,  the rest of my mind was already clear. To turn to prayer in a meditative state was to approach God without a laundry list of concerns. It was simply to search the quiet for God the way you search your body for symptoms when you are sick.

I have not much prayed like this before.  Often my prayers revolve around words and thoughts.  A conversation with God, rather than a still silent moment to focus beyond myself to the mystery of the divine. 

Peace be with you. 

Day 4: Fail

I had magnificent plans for today.  Plans to be an amazing mother and wife.  The day laid out with time for each of my kids and a midday date with my husband.  At our date,  we had plans to reflect on life and lent and that would have of course inspired the perfect blog for this evening.

Instead,  my house got destroyed,  I got thrown up on 5 times and I lost my temper at least once.  The day went to complete shit. I tried to recover more than once but it was just one of those non- starter days where everything seems to move in slow motion and everything lacks energy.

I spent much of the afternoon pinned down as one child or another slept on me. I reflected on what i would write here.  Motherhood is inconvenient,  so is love.  We don't always get the option to plan ahead,  we just get up and take it, head on.

Jesus sent the disciples out... no money,  no plan.  Knock on doors and see what happens.

Just because you don't have a plan or supplies, doesn't mean you are unprepared.  Love can improvise.  My day went completely downhill but my guys were still loved.  I held them.  I cleaned up the mess.  I read stories. I did what moms do.  I did what love does.

It wasn't as flashy as my well designed plans for the day.  But, beautifully, it doesn't have to be.  Jesus asks us to love each other.  Often that means wading in to the normal,  mundane, crappy days and do the stuff that moms do... make food,  give hugs,  tell stories, fix booboos and clean up messes.  If we all did that, all the time,  pretty sure the world would be a much better place.

Day 3: Grace

Today,  I felt Grace. The unmerited gift of new life unfolded in front of me.

Last year,  about this time I began a journey with Philip,  my 3rd son.  He seemed to have difficulty hearing.  He never turned when you called his name.  Seemed oblivious to freight trains passing a few blocks away or fire engines roaring down the road. I had taken steps to address hearing issues.  He had fluid in his ears and we decided to get tubes put in.  Hearing tests revealed a marked improvement in hearing after the tubes.  I expected language to follow,  it did not.

What was particularly scary was not that he wasn't talking.  It was that he didn't understand.  Anything.  He was approaching 2 and my mommy radar went to defcon 12. I started playing close attention to what he could and couldn't do to look for clues as to why language wasn't there.  A friend suggested I contact the county. They had free language services for kids under 3. And so we began a journey together. Philip and I.

The first assessment was hard to hear.  There are many categories of language...use of gestures,  saying words,  understanding words,  making sounds,  etc.  His average language level across all these things was about 6 months old.  I was overwhelmed with guilt.  How could he be nearly 2 and so behind without me acting sooner?

I rolled up my sleeves and jumped in.  I learned everything I could about language development, I filled out piles of paperwork.   Went to appointment after appointment to try to get him help. I tried my best to become what he needed.  I saw progress but it was slow.  New waves of guilt washed over me.   I felt pressure to make every second count.  I felt guilty for going to work every day.  My pregnant belly was growing larger and worried about how I could possibly give Philip what he needed while caring for new baby.  It all felt impossible.

But this is exactly Grace.  Finding God at the end of your rope. In the midst of guilt and fear, a voice calmed me. Put one foot in front of the other.  Give him what you can and trust that God has a plan for him. 

Eventually,  I was able to get therapy that seemed to help.  I put the pieces together and figured out how to meet him where he was at and work with all the therapists to slowly,  but surely pull him out. He made progress and one day,  he called me mom. I felt hope that he was reachable.

The past few months have been an explosion.  Baby steps followed by leaps and bounds.  It made me hopeful that he was on the right path and I was ready to embrace whatever he needed next.  Today we had a meeting with the school district.  Kids with developmental delays are all assessed just before their 3rd birthdays to see what type of support our therapy they will need to help them prepare for kindergarten. I was excited for the meeting because the psychologist in our school district is amazing and incredibly insightful as to what will really bring out the best in kids.

We dove into the 2 hour assessment.  I talked through what we were working on in all his various therapies,  filled out more paperwork and watched as a number of specialists interacted with him to see what he knew and didn't.  What he could do and couldn't. He was happy. Smiling the whole time. I was proud watching him demonstrate new skills that he had just learned in the past few weeks. The preliminary result.... His skills were approximately 34 months across the board.  I was shocked. No delay... at all???

Grace.

The guilt.  The terrible feeling that won't go away wondering,  worrying. Pushing to try to do more,  to give more,  to be more.  To wonder if any of it is helping.

God was present with me today.  Present in the surrender that gave me courage to set aside my guilt and my pride to keep pushing forward for whatever Philip needed and present in news that what we are doing is enough.  God is present in our small and large battles to be who we can be. Present in the weaknesses we want to his from the world and in the victories of the human spirit.

God has been with me all along this journey and will be with me in the journey ahead even when I wasn't able to see or feel that presence.  Even when the guilt was thick enough to cut with a knife.

Philip has a long journey ahead.  I have a long journey with him.  Grace will continue to carry us along. 

Day 2: Why, hello God, thanks for calling

I have a close friend who I don't talk to near enough. We live on opposite sides of the country.  We are both busy with life.  But when we do talk,  it's like an old pair of jeans.  We pick up where we left off and the familiarity that comes with a friend who's known you forever settles in.

The interesting thing about this particular friend is that she is an athiest who is secretly agnostic or maybe,  just maybe more than agnostic.  She grew up catholic and has a place in her heart for lent.  So often,  this time of year,  we find ourselves lost for a moment in a spiritual conversation tied to practices and disciplines of the season.

A few days ago she called.  She has a lot going on.  Some of the heavy stuff.  Our conversation was meaty.  The only thing I could tell her about faith is that God is with us in life's trials, bringing peace that passes understanding.  It's easy to want a God that is like a genie in the bottle.  We pray and rub the lamp and cross our fingers that everything will go our way. But the God I have come to know isn't a genie.  Rather a presence inviting us to go deeper. To trust in the fog of uncertainly.  To let go of our expectations to embrace peace and love,  even in the face of sacrifice or adversity.

We talked a long while ... until my kids got antsy and she had places to be.  I hung up the phone.  The conversation has stayed with me. God was present there.  Reminding me of faith and inviting me to the table. I realized sometimes God just shows up -- for no particular reason, on a random Tuesday afternoon when you are picking up the kids from school.  

Sometimes you need to answer the phone and be open to listening. Thanks for calling, God. It was good to hear from you. 

Day 1: A fresh new world ahead

Ash Wednesday. The mark of the beginning of the Lenten journey. Strangely, I think this is my favorite time of year. It is never a fun time but I almost always feel the presence of the Divine touch down and carve into me shaping my heart and my path.

I meet this year with a lot of anticipation. It feels like God has a particularly interesting journey for me. Advent, Christmas, Epiphany have all shown up clearly in my life this year asking me to step up and step out in faith. In Advent, we welcomed new guests into our home. A family of three who are just starting out and needed a chance to get their feet on the ground. Epiphany found me in a new role at work and at home and after pouring my whole self into helping Philip, my 2yr old catch up to his developmental milestones, I began to see an explosion of words and engagement. Like a plant in the spring bursting forth with new shoots. The season of light brought deep hope into my life.

So, here we are at the cusp of Lent. The past few years I have dedicated myself to optimizing. Cutting back all thing unnecessary so that I could do a good job with the work I've been given. 4 small children and a start-up that is trying to bring a major change to status quo. I've had to let go of a lot of things to keep plates spinning. This Lent is a call to let go of some of that optimization. To cook more meals, create space for my health and most importantly to be quiet and create empty space to listen for the Spirit.

I can already feel the wind blowing. I do not know where it will take me but my soul is eager for water and so, gladly, I follow.