Day 41: Not worthy of the cross

 "Why would he do that?" I demanded.

We sat side by side in our king bed with copies of the Economist open on our laps. Most nights, we collapse immediately after the last of the children are sleeping. But this particular night, we had enough energy to get caught up on the world beyond our walls.

Alexei Navalny had just returned to Russia after recovering from being poisoned and was immediately taken into prison. 

"He's just going to die. What's the point?"

It's one thing to head into danger. A completely different thing to have the target painted on your back.

It was clear to me, to my husband, probably most people -- including Alexei Navalny -- that he wasn't going to come out of this ordeal alive. And yet, he boarded that plane. He went back. His work was not finished and he would die finishing it.

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Jesus turned his face stoutly toward Jerusalem knowing he would not leave again. He predicted his death multiple times along the way to a group of disciples who refused to hear. Still, he went.

He marched into the city, received as a king. People wanted to overthrow the current regime. They wanted Jesus to lead the uprising. But Jesus wasn't there to fight Rome. His eyes were set on higher work.

"If anyone wants to follow me, they must deny themselves and daily pick up their cross and follow me." He said it more than once. He admonished us to follow with the same resolve.

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I can honestly say, I don't have it. 

At least not yet. I wouldn't have gone back to Russia if I were Navalny. I would have tried to find another way to advance the cause from abroad. I would have reasoned that sparing my life would keep the movement alive. 

I would have scattered and hid with the disciples. I would want no part in the cross. Not one single part.

I think about Navalny this holy week because we still live in a world that demands we give up our lives to shine a brighter light. 

I thought we lived in a world that was moving past this and moving towards non-violent means of negotiating social change and pursuing God's kingdom. But we are still human and we still seem to have people who would rather snuff out the voices and the lights of the dissenters. 

I know that are Christ light's shining out there today -- in Israel and Palestine, Ukraine and Russia, Sudan, Haiti, the Sahel and Somalia. There are people out there choosing harms way to bring aid and tend wounded. There are people going in with knowledge that they may not leave. 

I am not among them. 

This holy week I am safe with my children grateful that my cross is not literal and unsure that if my life were held in the balance that I would be able to choose the way of Jesus.  I keep wanting to edit this post to justify myself. To say, that maybe, just maybe if I were in that position I would have courage to pick up my cross. Maybe I would, it takes a lot of courage to get to the point where people are painting a target on your back to begin with. I don't live with that kind of courage. I blend in. I don't exactly avoid danger but I'm really smart about it. I definitely don't do anything stupid like confront people who have guns or large amounts of power. But that's the point. 

Jesus lived his life knowing the cross was there. He spoke truth over and over to people who didn't want to hear it. He said things that could get him killed every day. He didn't play it safe. 

Lord, give me courage.