Sunlight illuminated the backside of the blackout curtains. A small hand reached around under the blanket searching for something to grab so he could pull himself up into my bed.
"Chocolate milk. " He demanded.
I groggily tried to force myself awake. I could have slept another 3 hours. What time was it?
8:00
Seriously?!
I leapt up and went to get his chocolate milk and plunged into the day.
It's palm Sunday and I had a ton of things to prepare for church. The Sunday school kids are baking Communion bread during service. I pulled up the recipe and started packing ingredients into a diaper box.
Grabbing clothes out of the dryer, I threw a pile onto my bed where a collection of children had gathered to watch morning cartoons.
Eddie had to be at church early so he and I and Andrew left just after 8:30.
Service was beautiful. We started outside all holding palms. Readers read and we processed into the church with the smallest children holding the biggest palms leading the way.
After the procession I led the children into the fellowship hall where we quickly got to work mixing ingredients and forming pancake sized loaves of Communion bread. I popped the bread into the oven and pulled out my Sunday school supplies. We recently discovered a cache of "godly play" materials which are just beautiful. Among them was the passion story. It was similar to stations of the cross but rather than just telling the passion story they tell the story of Jesus's whole life from Christmas to Easter.
I sat the kids in a semi circle and placed card after card telling the story of baby jesus who grew up, served the world, died and rose again. The Easter card shows Jesus serving Communion and I explained how Jesus promised to be present in the bread and wine. Just then, the timer went off. The bread was ready. I pulled it out of the oven and set it in front of the children.
We talked about passover and freedom. We talked about Jesus and Communion. Then I placed the bread on little white napkins and gave the kids the job of bringing Jesus to the grown-ups. They carefully carried their bread to the sanctuary and brought it to the pastor who set it on the alter. I smiled. Jesus was with us today.
After church I sent the kids home with dad. I had a church committee meeting. If you go to church long enough, I can promise you will find yourself in a committee meeting. This particular committee is leading the congregation through a visioning process to plan our future. We currently have an interim pastor and are doing work to figure out what type of person God is calling to lead us next. We've also been through a lot as a congregation .. covid for example. We're a smaller congregation than we were a few years ago and there is both a deep passion and a weariness among the core church members.
Today's meeting focused on the ministries of the church that serve the members of the congregation - church service, Sunday school, Bible studies, women's ministry - stuff like that. The question of the day was how are we caring for us.
I have been thinking about it all day and about church in general. Church everywhere is shrinking. Fewer people are going into ministry. Church seems to be an exhausting extra in a life full of every kind of responsibility and activity. But why?
It puzzles me. Faith and community are two of the biggest fighters of mental illness and anxiety which also seem to be growing out of control in our modern world. Faith and community, the things of church, give us a place to belong. They give us meaning that is bigger than ourselves. It is family beyond family.
But then, perhaps that's the rub.
Church is uncomfortable at times. It asks us to wrestle with big questions. It asks us to reflect on our personal failings and ways that we don't live up to the ideals we hold dear. It asks us to face fears and reality of suffering, aging and death. I think any given morning 2 extra hours of sleep is going to beat church hands down.
Even when I can overcome the desire to sleep with a habit of going to church, getting deeper into church and stepping up to support the church is uncomfortable. It's a bunch of strangers from different generations and perspectives debating how to do the really important stuff - well. It's hard enough to go to Thanksgiving dinner with uncle frank but now I have to talk to a guy like him every week. Community lived well in church is messy. People doing their absolute best to shine Christ's light but inevitably hurting each others feelings or falling into well worn routines that don't change and don't rock the boat so no one ever gets hurt feelings.
But those things that make church hard are exactly why we need church. Church is exercise for the soul. Little moments of courage and forgiveness. Small reminders that we matter deeply and there are things more important than us. That we are loved and that we have a responsibility to love.
I'm not going to lie. There are times I'm ready to throw in the towel on church. It feels like I could do just fine teaching faith to my kids and spiritually feeding myself with books and podcasts. I could use the extra sleep and it wouldn't feel like a big deal to let it go. And... in the beginning, it wouldn't be. But with time my soul and my family would lose something precious that comes from being part of a faith community. I wouldn't even feel it go but I think it would feel something like getting out of shape. At some point my spiritual muscles would be tested and I would be weak or huffing and puffing at the mild exertion.
I don't know how church can compete with entertainment and self help. It's a lot easier to get people on board with Christmas than it is with Lent. Not a ton of people are out there chatting about what they are giving up this year compared with what they are getting and giving for Christmas. But Lent is so life-giving in a way that is different and hard to describe when compared with holiday feasts. But both are deeply important seasons in a life deepened by faith.
I know many of readers of this blog are not of a particular faith or not part of a faith community. But I ask you to consider seeking out something like church. A group of people to journey with, to fast and feast with, to wrestle with deeper questions of meaning and suffering and happiness and forgiveness. People you don't agree with always or who bother you sometimes and preferably people who are older and younger than you.
Church is a loaded word, I get it.
I have been wounded in church. Broken and terrible people go to church. But God promises us that if we seek God, we will find God.
If we are patient and if we seek, God will lead us to a group of people who can be church for us.
Don't give up on church, especially if you've never found a faith or a church that feels like home. God is calling you somewhere.
And if you are in a church and it makes you feel tired. Don't give up on church.
Bring your light. Shine your light even if it rocks the boat a little. God can use you to make church better.
No comments:
Post a Comment