As I walked out of the Dublin medical center, that book jumped into my head. Somewhere in the back of my head or the bottom of my stomach I had been nervous about this appointment. My rational self had done research and chosen this path. My emotional self had been low-key nervous for the past several weeks.
Medical stuff is always a mini Ash Wednesday for me. I know chances are low with most things, but I also know bad things can and do happen.
I'm in a weird bubble. I was diagnosed with a very serious disease several years ago. However, instead of aggressively attacking my body as usually the case, it has moved at a trees pace. Perhaps one tiny new symptom a year which sometimes goes goes away for a few years at a time.
I count this all as a great grace of God. Everyday I am grateful for breath and kidneys. Hearing, sight and all the other marvelous things my body can do. On the other hand, there is always a gnawing worry in the back of my mind that the other shoe could drop. And letting go of that and living each day as it comes has become a beautiful spiritual practice that has been life-giving and faith renewing.
Most medications for this disease are commensurate with the seriousness of the disease. Often a combination of high dose prednisone and chemotherapy agents that can have life long side effects. When you have a life threatening disease, they are worth the risk. When you basically have an overgrown sinus infection, they feel like overkill.
But... this past summer I had a few months where I could barely speak and it was so difficult to breath that I couldn't do regular household tasks. It was time to try some kind of medication.
I started with the entry level option.
Weekly low dose injections.
Medicine that did not come in pill form made me a little nervous. It's silly. I know.
I picked up my box. Gave myself my first shot and took myself to In-n-Out as a treat.
"Just a shot, that's all, not so scary after all. "
But the medicine made me tired and unwell for like half the week. And.. according to bloodwork.. it wasn't doing very much to slow or stop the disease.
The next medication to try is expensive, which is why we didn't try it first, but it is generally safer and more effective in every clinical trial I've read and it generally has fewer side effects. Also, it only needs to be taken once every six months. The downside... it's an Infusion.
Infusion conjures associations with chemotherapy and cancer which as I have viewed as a 3rd party witness can be an arduous journey. And so, while my head was on board, my heart was less eager.
The date was scheduled well in advance. I knew it would be during Lent. Perfect. Lent is a great time to trust God and lean into a new medical path.
I packed all the things. I had a fuzzy blanket, headphones, books to read, bible, note book, art supplies, fun drinks and my laptop. Other than the medicine part, this was a much anticipated restful retreat. 7 hours in a chair with no expectations, phone calls or duties.
I went for a morning run to give my body some delicious work that would make the resting feel good. And I packed my piles of supplies into the pruis and headed for the cancer center.
As is often the case, they struggled in finding a good vien and getting the IV in, but once we were in and taped, my self imposed spa day began. I napped, listened to hymns, wrote in my notebook, read some books, napped some more. It was deeply restful.
I looked around. I prayed for everyone in the chairs. I watched the nurses scurry and care and chat at the nurses station. I prayed for so many people - the widow of a friend who died a few days ago, a close friend whose body seems to be going on strike, my friend who struggles with alcohol - people going through serious things. I held the room in my heart and the world beyond the window. And I felt immense gratitude for a day I had been worrying about.
Gratitude for the space and time to rest.
Gratitude for a medicine that might heal me.
Gratitude for this one wild and precious life we all get to live.
And as I left the medical center that silly little Halloween book popped into my mind
"Infusion, that's all, not so scary after all. "
Again God shows up. Once again showing showing me there is no where God will not come with us if we open our hearts and ask.
If there is somewhere or something that is low key or even majorly stressing you today, let me say to you.
Christ is with you.
Peace be with you.
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