Day 20: Hot Mess

She is every parable Jesus ever preached.

To me,  she sums up the beauty and brokenness of humanity in the amplified reverberations of chaos and grace that seem to follow where ever she goes. 

I tried to think of something else to write but must certainly,  she was where I most strongly met God today. 

I met her when Eddie was 6 months old, about 14 years ago.  We've been through a lot together. Too much.  I can't even begin to list. Enough that she now calls me mom and I call her daughter.  But she is a daughter who breaks a mother's heart. 

She struggles with alcohol addiction. I've taken her to more rehabilitation programs than I can remember.  She struggles with pride.  She wants to break free but she thinks she can do it on her own. 

She is every parable Jesus ever preached.

I owe her a deep gratitude as she has revealed to me God's grace and Jesus response to how many times we must forgive our brother.  And has pushed me to wrestle with God on nearly every subject written in the Bible.  Some of the depth of my faith comes in no small part from my journey with her.  And so I am grateful for her. 

... but damn... she is inconvenient. 

Last night she called while I was making dinner asking me to pray for her. 

Then again,  this morning when I was trying to get the kids out the door.

I was so annoyed.  But then... would I be so bold to bother people for prayer when I needed it.  I let my heart soften.  

She needed a few items so i decided to stop and see her after school pick up as she was directly in my way home.  

I pulled off to park on the side of the main street that runs through our town. We were south of downtown not far from the police department and the main library.  The kids school was just a little further down the street.  

She came out on the opposite side of the road and trotted across to see me. I pulled out the bag of supplies and handed it to her.  As a good mother,  I scolded her and insisted she make better choices. I realized she was too drunk to hear me.  She started wobbling. The wobbles grew bigger and she stumbled into the road. 

My sternness melted into worry and embarrassment. Cars slowed to a stop as she wandered further into the road. I jumped out of the car to guide her across the street.  She lost a shoe. I ran to get it. She fell flat in the middle of the road across both lanes of traffic.  Lines of waiting traffic grew as my arms flared to protect her. I grabbed her and using all my effort tried to pull her dead weight to the side of the road. It was painfully slow.  She was roughly the same weight as me and I marveled at how heavy a limp body really was. Out of breath pleading with her to help me, I see the vice principal of the kids school had pulled over and was coming to help me.  Then,  a few moments later,  the principal.  Then 4 police cars... and a social worker.  We got her to the sidewalk and slowly people cleared as I  talked through next steps with the police. Eventually paramedics came to take care of her. 

Hot mess. Did it really have to be the kids principals who showed up? I am thankful that they are grace-filled women who I have known for a while at this point. 

My emotions flared as I drove home. Speaking calmly to the kids to help them process what had happened.  Affirming choices they made to stay in the car and not help. Inside,  I was embarrassed,  angry,  sad, disappointed and.... I felt God. 

I am also a hot mess. 

I might not fall down in traffic.  But I got my own stuff.  A repeated story that seems to play on loop in my life that I can't seem to break  from no matter how many self help books I read or spiritual practices I pick up.  I have a pride too that says I can fix myself. I can be better.  But somehow,  I'm not. 

But God is a God of hot messes.  God shows up in our addictions big and small. God shows up in our unhealthy patterns and our codependency and our overly loose or overly rigid boundaries. God is there for our ugly faced cries and the side of ourselves that is too embarrassing to speak outloud even to our spouse. God is there.  This is the place where God can work because we have nothing left in ourselves to save ourselves from ourselves. 

I am so grateful that God holds all of us in these places.  And I pray we learn to hold each other better in these places because they are the places where we cannot hold ourselves. 

Say a prayer for my friend tonight.  She will need to get up tomorrow and keep trying.  I have faith that she will. But I pray that God guide and direct those next steps.