I had been looking forward to today all week. After cold, dreary, rainy days the forecast was clear skies and 66 degrees. Miles had the day off from school, the big kids had a half day and Zander didn't have daycare. It was a long weekend with no homework and my garden was calling me.
During the long grey infusion day, I had made a list of all the things I wanted to do in the yard knowing that good weather was coming. The chickens had scratched in my flower beds and spread tan bark all over the sidewalk. Miles had overturned all the stepping stones looking for bugs. In general, my front yard looked very messy and chaotic and at a minimum I wanted to make it presentable.
I had not counted on having side effects from the infusion. I mean, I should have, but everything I read seemed to indicate that it "wasn't bad" so I just assumed it would be fine. Mostly it is fine and while it "isn't bad" my body is definitely in top shape.
I felt tired right after the infusion and woke up feeling well the next day. I went for a 4 mile run and even upped my pace a little bit. I was hopeful. Maybe I'll just be "better. " I had a scratchy throat when I woke the following day but thought nothing of it. Just night air. I pushed out and into my day. But by the time I got home with the kids I crawled to the shower and plopped on the floor trying to warm up chills and ward off exhaustion. I found myself in sweat pants and a hoodie snuggled under my down comforter.
OK. Fair enough. A little bit of side effect is reasonable. I surrendered to the slow paced evening.
I woke up this morning praying I'd be back to my old self. I had big plans for a full day outside. As I got the big kids out the door and little kids going on breakfast I felt... functional. "I can do this day. " I thought.
I cleaned the kitchen, the table and the main rooms of the house while Miles and Zander played in the family room. After about an hour of household chores I plopped into the couch and watched them. My body felt lazy. "Give it a break, " I whisper to myself "that's pretty tough medicine we're taking. It's OK to take it slow. "
I let them play. Occasionally cleaning. Eventually we went for a walk and then to pick up the big kids at noon. I had packed everyone's scooters and they ended up scooting around the school for an hour. I laid on a bench in the courtyard and felt the sunshine warm on my skin. It felt nice. I grimaced at the messy front yard that I so desperately wanted to tidy.
The kids tired of scooting and we went to the creek and they threw rocks and broke apart dirt clods and played imaginary games while I sat on a log taking in still more sunshine.
We came home and put on an audiobook while the kids ate in the backyard and lazed around in swings. I grabbed a broom a swept a small corner of the backyard. Then the sidewalks. Slowly, steadily I tidied the yard. .... at a teenager pace. I worked, but to look at me you couldn't tell I was working. But with enough time even at a slow pace progress happens. We finished the book just after sunset and I was again snuggled in a hoodie under my down comforter.
I felt God in the sunshine. Warm and beautiful. Touching and healing me with golden deliciousness. Ever encouraging me to keep going. Not to fast. Not to hard. But just as I am and just as I can. Not frustrated with the yucky feelings but accepting of them and welcoming then into my plans.
It is not how I had planned the day but the slower pace was good for the kids. In fact, the day was better than I had planned. It was leisurely and lovely. Whole and wholesome. Decompressing in a way that a busy garden project would not have been. I am grateful to have been slowed down to just take in the golden light of an early spring day.
I won't pretend that it's not disappointing to still feel a little sick and less productive than I know I can be. I go to bed tonight with a prayer that I'll feel better tomorrow. But feeling God in that sunshine gave me a picture of wholeness that goes beyond being healthy and a patience to **try** to take each moment as it comes.
Thank you God for sunshine and a still moment to enjoy it.
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