Day 27: Listening inward

My first month as a parent were among the most difficult days of my life.

Eddie was early. Tiny. Had difficulty eating.
I was exhausted. With a minuscule milk supply.

Lactation consultants told me
it was his weak latch
not frequent enough feeding
not enough skin to skin time
I needed to use a nipple guard.

So I stayed shirtless
feeding him every 20 minutes around the clock
wearing him close to my body.

And still he lost weight.
I grew frantic.
I had failed at breastfeeding. I had failed as a mother.

In tears and desperation I ran to the store and bought formula.
I cried as I feed him with a medicine dropper.
He turned a corner. He had more energy.
Embolded. I got a bottle. I fed him. I slept more. I let him sleep on my chest.
I threw out every single piece of professional advice to find a path that worked.
But it was the right thing to do. Both of us flourished after that.
It was an important lesson that sometimes I need to listen inward.

It was a hard week and I finally broke down and listened inward. I knew we needed a change of schedule. I needed to do things differently. I canceled homeschool for the rest of the week to reset all of our expectations for how we would do things. I wrote letters to teachers. I got input from them on what I could change without rocking the boat too much in case we return to school this year. And I started a new day... on a slightly new path.

As I mature in faith, I find it harder to decipher God's soft call.
Sometimes, setting aside my own needs and agenda to serve and support the group
is what faith speaks into my heart.
Other times, it is a call to set aside a path laid out to turn left
and carve a new path into the wilderness.
So I listen. I wait. I let the voices grow louder in my heart.
Then I search them -- is this voice growing from pride? selfishness? ego? love? compassion?

I don't get it right all the time or maybe even most of the time, but that is the work of faith in me to search my heart and soul and seek out the still voice that is not carved out of my own ambitions or desires but of love and hope and peace that speaks to my soul and calls me ever forward on this journey.