The house needed to be cleaned.
Homework needed to be printed out.
A plan for the morning put together.
I threw myself into action.
Chocolate milk for Miles. Cleaning up while getting everyone shepherded into clothes. Telling each child what they needed to do first once they were dressed.
They were so fast.
Everyone was done with the first thing before I had gotten dressed or prepared the next thing.
So, I triaged.
"Ok, do this, then you can do that."
And before I blinked, they were done and asking about the next thing...
It went on like this until noon.
By 10am I had done the following:
Pulled out Eddie's pre-printed worksheets for the day.
Got Andrew set up with his daily packet
Got Miles started with playing Kinetic sand at his little table
Set Philip up with a writing tablet to start handwriting practice
Printed out Eddie's math assignments and get him situated doing them
Got materials for Andrew and Philip to play kitchen with the kinetic sand (including building their own "oven" out of a shoe box)
Signed up for Clever, Philip's online classroom portal and printed out his worksheets
Set Miles up with dots for an art lesson
Taught Andrew a knitting lesson
Set up a bubble machine outside for miles to get fresh air and play with bubbles
Downloaded and logged in to Philip's Raz Kids reading app
Emailed Eddie's math teacher to schedule zoom meeting
Cleaned the whole house and vaccuumed up the kinetic sand that kids had gotten all over the carpet
The pace carried on like this until 1:45 when I put everyone down in front of a show so I could attend a work conference call.
I haven't been able to work...
much....
actually....amend that...
at all
since I've been home.
It's taken everything I have to keep these kids structured enough that they don't melt down from all the time at home. Overall, it's been working. But I'm having a hard time finding any spare moment to sit on my computer to work on something of my own -- not to mention, I am now sharing my computer with Eddie who has a significant amount of online work.
So... it hurt a little attending the meeting.
Feeling like I've failed to contribute.
Feeling judged at my lack of timely responses.
Feeling shame that I just can't do enough.
Somehow I'm supposed to be better.
These are the moments of falling on my face as a working mom that I wear in my heart.
I could be a better at work and leave my kids in front of the TV... maybe (actually, they'd probably literally destroy the house if I did that)... I could stay up later and work after they go to bed, but honestly, I'm having a hard time staying up until 9.
Or... I could make the hard choice...
put my kids first (mostly) and recognize that there will be moments like this at work where I will utterly and completely fall on my face.
I just have to somehow be okay with disappointing people right now.
I just HATE that.
This spiritual practice of humility is one that never ceases to burn my insides.
I am so damn proud.
I want to be a superhero.
I want to get it all done.
I want to be so self-sufficient.
I want to take on more with no problem -- I don't get overwhelmed.
I am organized enough.
I work smarter.
My kids are completely self-sufficient and will just sit and do school work quietly while I attend to my own affairs.
and my house cleans itself.
Basically, none of this is any effort whatsoever,
so actually, I could also volunteer -- there are so many things to support right now...
But...
I don't want to be less than.
I don't want to lean into Grace.
I don't want to admit I can't and let people tell me all the ways I should do this better.
I don't want to see eye rolls or under-breath mutters about why I don't have enough done
I don't want people to think I'm lazy or whatever.
But here I am... running as fast as I can... not keeping up with the train that surges farther and farther down the track without me. Feeling so disappointed that I just can't run faster.
This is Lent. Dying to who we see ourselves as so that we may live as God sees us.
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