Day 21: Great Expectations

Tuesday evening I was so mad at my husband.

He had woken up and gone out to our back house to work around 8 and didn't come back in until after 6. I was fuming.

It was day 1 of lock down. 

I wanted to figure things out. 

Set up a home office that would work better.

Buy a printer. 

Figure out some sort of schedule.

Talk about what the kids would need for homeschooling.

I wanted to get ourselves ready for the new life we were going to live...

But he just started living it.

He had employees to lead. Questions to answer. Things to take care of. The world was moving fast and he needed to keep wheels turning.

So I just jumped in. Reading. Writing. Math. Activities. Art. I blossomed.

There had been many days I had daydreamed about being a stay-at-home mom. I had considered homeschooling the kids. It was a big chance for me to cuddle them up and try it out. To lean hard into motherhood....and honestly it was amazing.

I let go of expectations about my husband being around. I assumed he was at work like normal and I didn't miss him heading out back to work. He hadn't changed. I had. I became content with winging it and leaned into the chaos of this crazy time and embraced it as a sabbath in motherhood.

I didn't have time to check my emails. I was dancing to life. I was present with my guys. 

But... at night when they went to bed, I'd check on everything -- the news, my email, etc.

And all the panic would pour in.

The outside world seemed to reach into my little cocoon and I felt beholden to a bunch of expectations. Links, meeting requests, directions for signing up for this and that. I had a hard time sorting out what was required, what was optional. Suddenly, I felt crushed by the lack of preparation and planning.

Does the world just need to be busy? I wonder as I look at all the messages.

Is all this busyness necessary? 

Again, I felt myself captive to my own expectations. I have an expectation that I can do all the things. And now, I am home being a mother and I feel the world telling me I have to do all the things. And my expectation is of course I won't let the world down. I will do all the things. And I stress myself out trying to do all the things... no one is here to see if I do them or not.

The world may expect me to do all the things...or

maybe the world is inviting me to do all the things...or

maybe, probably, the world doesn't care what I do as long as I stay home with my tribe.

Tonight, I need to name my own expectations and adjust them.

I can do many of the things, but I can't do all the things... and I can't do all the things right now.

I need space and time to adjust.

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Tomorrow is Friday. Almost the weekend.

I can regroup.