Holy Tuesday: Re-wiring my instincts

Quick snips from the readings for today...

But I said, "I have labored in vain, I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity; yet surely my cause is with the LORD, and my reward with my God."

Very truly, I tell you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just a single grain; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Those who love their life lose it, and those who hate their life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, things that are not, to reduce to nothing things that are.

I came home from work eager to take care of sick kids that I hated leaving behind in the morning.  But as i settled into the couch,  thoughts stirred in my mind. 

The seed doesn't bear fruit unless it dies.  But,  the thing about the threat of death,  it triggers a fight or flight response.  It is our instinct to fight against those things that threaten us or to escape them.  To run away and not turn back. 

Jesus stood there.  He didn't run.  He didn't fight.  He submitted his will.  He re- wired his instinct.  He taught us how to follow.

1,000s of nameless heroes have done the same. To resist Nazis. To resist segregation.  To resist darkness.

My struggle to be humble pales in comparison.  And yet I can feel some of the same basic instincts kicking in.  As I tell myself to choose a way of humility,  my pride kicks up and I can feel my ego flailing. My mind floods with thoughts.  thoughts to fight,  stand my ground,  assert my pride.  Thoughts to run away,  escape and save my self dignity. I have to recognize these thoughts as instinct and then find a way to disarm them.

I go for a walk.
The sunshine should quiet them.
I love on the kids.
Love should quiet them.
I then on music.
I replace words with new words.
I seek gratitude.
I reflect on the readings.

The thoughts dissipate.

I'm no where near as strong as Jesus or the 1000s of others who quieted the inner impulse to save themselves. But I've exercised the same muscles....

I don't always fully grasp how a dead thing bears fruit,  how a low thing can humble a strong one, how God chooses to act through sacrifice rather than force.  It is dissonant with the human experience  where the strong get rich and the powerful are in charge.

Holy week amplifies the dissonance.

Easter resolves it.