Lent Day 9: Eeeking out every last drop of productivity

This afternoon I found myself lying on the floor playing paw patrol with Philip.  The house was relatively clean.  The kids were  in relatively good shape and there were still several hours until Ulrich would be home from work.  As I laid there,  my mind churned.  "Is there anything I could get done right now?"

The last several years have taught me to multitask and eek out every last drop of productivity out of life. There's way more to do in a day than there are hours.  So stack things up and I'll get more done.  I scanned the room...

"walls need touch up,  front windows need cleaning... I need to lay here so Philip can play with me. I should just be present"

I pulled my mind back to the moment and drove my cars around.  Miles climbed on me.  My heart smiled. The moment was beautiful.

And yet,  a part of me was restless.  And a part of me felt guilty for feeling restless.  So I thought I would reflect on it for tonight's blog...

I work so hard because I feel the need to be what everyone needs... to be good at my job, to be a good mom,  to be a good friend,  sister,  daughter,  etc. I feel the need to be good and to do good.  I think many people do.  We draw our own conclusions about our self worth according to our accomplishments. I would like to do something for this world and I would like to matter.

But in this ongoing reflection on pride,  I accept that my self worth is inherent.  I was made in the image of God and my life matters.  I cannot change that.  All the busyness of my day, the achievements in my life do not move the needle on the inherent value of my life.

It is hard to accept this because I want to deserve it.  I want to say I matter because I worked hard and I earned it.  But I cannot.  The universe is vast and my life is so very insignificant in the span of time and also so very significant because life is a gift. It is granted. It is beyond our control.

And so I am free.  To lay on the floor and play paw patrol with dirty windows.  I am free to use my gift of life to change the world.  Regardless of my choice,  my life matters... And so does everyone else's.