I woke up in the middle of the night gasping for breath.
The harder I tried to breath, the less air I got.
I panicked.
I felt like I was drowning.
I tried to calm down and think rationally. The ER was 20 minutes away and I probably shouldn't drive myself. But... if the conditioned worsen, I'd be in real trouble. I woke Ulrich. He got various medications and started me on a breathing treatment. He rubbed my back to calm me. As I began to calm down and slow my breathing, more and more air got in. Like a Chinese finger trap, struggling against my breath only made things worse.
Once I got the breathing under control I went to take a shower. My body was shaking. The panic had triggered an acute stress response and I released endorphins (which probably aided in opening my airways) but the aftermath caused a heightened alert and a cascade of physical responses that left me sleepless.
Many pastors I know talk about baptism less like a benign couple of drops on your forehead and more an invitation to go out into the water over your head. Our response is often to struggle and panic against faith. Letting go and accepting that we are in over our heads allows us to find a calm, a peace that passes understanding.
My reflection today is using my physical struggle to breath last night as a lens to view my faith. Where to I struggle and fight when I should let go and embrace calm? How might I open my heart, my soul -- like my airways -- to receive the nudging of the Holy Spirit?
If I accept that baptism puts me in over my head, what happens when I finally stop the struggle and let myself go under the water?
As the days are starting slowly lengthen. Day after day, a sliver more of light.
Easter is coming. Light is coming and the darkness cannot overcome it.
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