Day 32: Like mother, like son

My most unliked moments in parenthood  are when I see my weaknesses and flaws in my kids. It is entirely cringe when I hear them mimic things I wish I hadn't said or lose patience in the exact way I do.  I also feel that same twist in my stomach when I find myself doing things that my parents did that I swore I would never do. Sometimes,  I see my kids do something I learned from my parents and I wonder how much choice we really even have over who we become. 

There is no way to get around the fact that much of how we learn to be in a family and raise children comes from how we are raised and that most of our genetic traits are going to be just like our parents - health,  eating habits, disposition, and the like. Many of our learned behaviors,  how to handle stress,  how to cook eggs,  how to clean a room and how to brush our teeth are taught to us by our parents.  They are so inherent to how we live that I assume there is no other way to do it.  Until one day at 5, 20, 45 years old I learn there IS another way to do something or that I have been doing it a little "wrong" my whole life and my mind is blown. 

There are things that change from generation to generation - the era in which we are raised,  the general culture,  media,  the way we are taught at school,  jobs we've had, traveling,  experiences good and bad that shape our core memories and perception of the world,  books,  friends,  our spouse and the like. These things can take us far from our family of origin or not.

But even adopted children carry their birth parents DNA. Where we come from influences us.... but it doesn't define us.  We are some how completely free to choose a new life and new way of being from how we were raised and also carry in us a shaping that happened from the moment of our conception.

In my ongoing struggle with how to separate sin, character flaws and personality quirks, one of the major challenges I struggle with is what to pass on to my children intentionally,  what to intentionally try to prevent from going on in the next generation and what to leave alone and let be. While my teaching is only part of defining how they will move into the future,  it is a part that I am responsible for and I feel a responsibility to do the best I can for not only my kids but also my grandkids and for the people that they will influence in the future.

I think about struggles both I and my husband had in our teenage and college years and which were valuable lessons and which would have been better to avoid if we could go back and do it over. 

I also think about the parent's role in the moral education of children. We are all apportioned virtues such as courage,  moderation, consideration,  honesty,  charity, humility and the like differently. Some of my kids  have double portions of moderation or honesty while having half sized portions or courage or consideration.  I find the same to be true comparing myself with my siblings or parents. 

I have these first 18 years to help lay groundwork for a lifetime of growth while at the same time being stretched and grown myself. I find it daunting to know how best to use the time given the hands we were each dealt.  Some of this involves changing who I am. Wrestling with my own flaws and limitations so I can pave a way for them to follow suit.

Easiest said than done.