Day 7: A thorn in the flesh

I woke up today defeated. For nearly the past two weeks I have been constantly awoken throughout the night -- either pregnancy symptom or Andrew with what I just discovered to be a double ear infection or a constant chronic cough that I just can't seem to shake -- whatever the reason, I have been up just about ever 30 minutes throughout the night.

There has been a bit of the miracle of the loaves and fishes going on, God has been taking the small sleep that I have gotten and somehow made it enough for me to get to somewhere around 7pm before I crash hard. But today, I woke up broken. I just couldn't face the day. I was too tired. I was angry. I just wanted life to be not hard. Throughout the night I had prayed and prayed for some relief. I had prayed to stop coughing. I had prayed for sleep. But, like Paul's prayers to remove the thorn in his flesh the only response I got was -- My grace is sufficient.

Indeed.

I was not in the mood to talk to God this morning. My grace is sufficient felt like another way to say -- suck it up and deal. I've been sucking it up and just didn't have it this morning.

I crawled into my car. Of course, my homeless friend called and asked me to bring some paperwork to help her get into an apartment, so grudgingly I made my way. Late for work. Too much to do. Tired and angry. What uplifting meditation would I ever post about today?

I turned on Pandora to listen to hymns. I tried to look for that ever sufficient grace. God, you are just going to have to deal with my bad mood this morning.

But, somehow my heart melted as I drove. I thought about Haiti. I thought about working in the hospital with folks with chronic illness. I thought about time spent with the mentally ill. I thought about my homeless friend that I was on my way to visit. For whatever reason, as I drove my mind was filled with the deep suffering that is all around and .... what right did I have to be pissed off about an unanswered prayer about a little cough and some sleep. I reached my friend and handed her the paperwork she needed. Her 2.5-year-old daughter climbed up into my lap and snuggled into my pregnant belly. She melted into me and I melted.

I thought further as I left, perhaps this lack of sleep is a forcing dependency. I can surely not claim that I am doing anything by my own strength. It was, and is, a miracle that I made it through today functioning.

"And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

A hard pill to swallow. But maybe the promise is true about God showing up in our broken moments.