Day 15: Trust

Deep Breath.

Saturday.

Another day at the beach. The kids lost their minds with excitement -- playing in sand, stomping in the water, splashing in puddles. I laid in the sun resting and my contractions picked up speed and intensity. We were so close to home and yet it felt like we were far away from everything -- from work, from life. I was at peace.

We came home and the kids were exhausted. They went down fairly easily and we had energy to watch a bit of grown-up TV (a VERY rare luxury.) We decided to watch "What to Expect when your are Expecting." Mindless comedy about having a baby. Given that my contractions were continuing, I felt a bit of pregnancy camaraderie would be good. I laughed the whole way through. But, as we neared the end and I watched the labors, I became painfully aware of how close it all is. The labor, the pain, the new baby. I got a bit overwhelmed.

I am not ready. I'm not ready to hurt like that. I'm not ready to welcome a new baby into our chaotic life. Confronted hard that the timing is far out of my control, so is the labor process. I was overwhelmed with the anxiety that I am simply, utterly and completely unprepared for any of it.

As contractions continued, I put myself on alert for signs of labor and did what I could to rest, hydrate and calm my body. I also started playing out scenarios of what life would be like if the baby came on different dates.... and then... I stopped. 

It is lent. Why on earth wouldn't I trust God with the timing of this? I was extended to journey deeply in faith. Faith -- about the pain of labor,  the health of myself and my baby, about the future of our business, about the well-being of my children, the strain on my marriage. The call is to let go of all of it and to trust that the walk that God has called me to leads to Easter.

I lay here letting the pains come and go, breathing deeply and trusting them to pass. Ulrich runs around exasperated after our two crazy boys trying to get them down  on his own. I reach deep to find faith that at the top of this hill, we will be transformed by the Wind that guides our walk.