Day 35: Staying the course

Palm Sunday.

Jesus makes his way to Jerusalem, knowing it is his last journey. The crowds shouted like he was a rockstar, only to turn on him in a few weeks.

I am always struck by this sudden swing of public opinion. I imagine if there were 24 hour news channels broadcasting Jesus's last days, what the news stories would look like that would sway the masses from a hopeful "Let's make Jesus King" to "Kill him."

Knowing the fullness of God's plan, Jesus rode on. He rode on through the "Hosannas." He rode on through the "Crucify hims." He rode on when his best friends deserted and betrayed him. He rode on -- trusting in the unseen, incomprehensible plan of God.

I think the challenge that we face in "riding on" is that God's plans are hidden from us. We use other people way to discern if we are on the right path. Sometimes, we know -- Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Mother Theresa -- that our unpopular path and fight to bring light to the world is a holy call. But more often than not, we are left with uncertainty and self-doubt that makes it hard to know whether or not we really should be staying the course.

Jesus prayed. Hard. In those vulnerable moments, the Spirit came, ministered and fortified him for the journey ahead. For us too, there is a promise that the Spirit will guide us -- provide wisdom and grant us strength to stay the course.

Day 34: Preparation

Nesting is a natural part of pregnancy. The deep, biological desire to prepare a space to welcome a new baby. This time around, my nesting instinct has taken a back seat with all the other life priorities. But finally, this weekend, with my parents around to help, my contractions growing stronger and coming on 38 weeks of pregnancy, it was time to make space in our house for baby Peanut Butter.

It was a bit of opening Pandora's box. One project lead to another and the cascade meant I spent most of the day cleaning out closet after closet, room after room. Everything had to shift. I really had to clean house both to make space for the new one coming and also to smooth the transition for the older boys.

It seems I am always cleaning house at the end of Lent. I fondly remember my first Lent in California. I was single in a small apartment. Ulrich and I were dating. He and I decided to share our Lenten journey that year -- which we had decided to deeply root in Passover -- giving up leaven for the entire lent and eating bitter herbs at every meal.

On the eve of Easter, I remember getting ready to go to bed and looking around my apartment thinking --- I can't greet Jesus this Easter with a messy house. I stopped what I was doing and went on a frantic cleaning binge that lasted till 3 in the morning. Scrubbing every corner of my house. Then, taking a long shower and scrubbing myself until I also shined with the newness of Easter. I covered my tables and furniture with white.

That next beautiful morning. At daybreak, as the sun rose. Ulrich offered me a ring and Jesus invited the two of us on a journey rooted in the promise of Easter morning.

Tomorrow morning marks Palm Sunday. The Holy Week begins. The slow, painful journey to the cross. It is time to clean house. Time to prepare. To open our eyes and hearts to hear the story again. To ponder our own crosses. To let go of our life and fall hard on grace. Easter comes to break the dark places in each of us.

Day 33: Big Decisions

One stressful part of running a start-up is the number of decisions one has to make in a given day. There is no roadmap. No one telling you which path to choose and you become keenly aware of how limited your sight is.

The problem with all these decisions is -- they matter. At least 2-3 times a week, I have to make a decision that costs 10s of thousands of dollars. I think heavily on my responsibility to the people who work for us and the investors who have placed trust in our ability to pull this off. The parable of the 10 talents assumes that you go out and get a return on the master's money.

There is so much temptation to dig a hole and bury the money in the ground. To back away from the challenge. To say, it's just too much. But, God calls us to be bold in our calls. To have faith that the Spirit is with us helping to guide our minds and our visions.

Many days I feel completely unqualified or uninformed to call the shots. I find strength on my knees.

Day 32: A call to motherhood

I am not ready...

Somehow, thinking that this is my 3rd child I didn't think I would really need time to prepare. I've been through labor and newborn sleepless nights. I have onsies, strollers and baby carriers. Since this is a boy I thought, there is nothing new that I need.

Today marks 37 weeks. The day in my pregnancy that Eddie was born. The baby is officially full term and could come any day over the next 5 weeks. Last night as I laid in bed I started thinking through the logistics. We drive a Prius. Over the course of the pregnancy, we've talked about getting a minivan but haven't done it. Now I'm wondering if I'm really going to try to squeeze baby peanut butter in the backseat of the Prius with the other two boys. I looked at the baby carseat.... need a new one. I was walking to the corner store...need a double stroller. I started thinking about labor -- with each of my previous labors I had a clear birth plan that helped me to deal with the pain. I haven't really thought about it and got a bit overwhelmed thinking about all the decisions that I need to make about that.

Truth is. It almost feels like a 1st baby. I really don't know how my life will change and what type of family we will be, what type of mother I'll be. I'm decidedly not ready.

At work, I have the same experience. Everything I've been doing over the last couple months were focused on last weekend's conference. Now what? In many ways, the business is in process of being born. Our product moves ever closer to being ready to sell. We are growing. Hiring. Expanding. I watch this 4th child of mine through its birth process and feel completely unprepared to mother it.

Ulrich reminds me -- its the season of Lent. Not just any Lent but a John Lent. A Lent of transformation. God is walking with me and transforming me into the mother I need to be for my three kids and for this little start-up. Teaching me the lessons of humility, brokenness and grace that I may dance with the Spirit as I take up an ever growing call to mother.

Day 31: My yoke is light...

My mother is a saint.

She came to help with the kids so I could focus on work last week and is staying to support us until after the baby comes. In and of itself, this is a remarkable blessing. But her gift to me extends further. My mother knows me in and out. She knows my boys in and out as well and so, in her coming she has seamlessly created the sense of order and routine that I have been longing to get into place.

I've been a bit overwhelmed by just how much she is propping me up. By how blessed I am by her presence. And when I ask her, is it ok? It feels like too much. She smiles and replies that she's missed us and is glad to be here.

Allowing the people we love to lift us up when we need it is hard. Our human, American selves want to fight back and assert independence. We don't want to put anyone out. We don't want to use anyone up. We want to stand up at the end of the day and say -- I did it, on my own. But in finding the humility to accept the blessings of others, we recognize the work of the Spirit in our lives. We recognize our brokenness and need. We also create space for relationship, love and authentic gratitude.

I feel light and supported by first finding the brokenness to accept that I can't do this on my own. I think this is what Jesus meant when saying -- "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." -- Not that God calls us to easy roads. But rather, by finding the brokenness to accept that we cannot by our own measure be all that God calls us to be, we open ourselves to the Spirit and to the Body to support us in our journey.

Day 30: The fruits of the Spirit

Coming up for air.

The end of last week was a whirlwind. Much as expected I worked very long days, put out many fires and did what I could to keep my body calm so that I wouldn't go into labor.I'm on the other side of that and finally, finally have the space in my mind to reflect and rejuvenate.

Reflecting on the last few days with spiritual eyes I ask myself the question -- Where are the places that needed light? Was I able to be light in those places?

It is times like that, when you are stressed, in "go" mode, and dealing with many stressful relationships that you find out how deeply you have let the Spirit penetrate your soul and how many gifts of the Spirit -- goodness, kindness, patience, self-control -- go out from you. It doesn't take much reflection to for me to realize that I still have much work to do in allowing the important work of the Spirit to supersede my sight-limited vision for what I am to accomplish in a day. I pray that despite myself, the Spirit found opportunities to minister through me and that the Wind continue to blow in and through me that I may find myself more open to the path he sets before me.

Day 23: Drowning

Imagine a 3 day wedding with 2,000 guests and 150 brides. For whatever reason, that is on my plate for the end of the week. Emails keep pouring in with things getting canceled, switched, and people freaking out. As much optimism as I've tried to maintain about this whole thing, I can't help but start to worry that it might be a train wreck -- and I'll be on the first car in.

I look around my house - its a complete mess. I feel like I'm a complete mess.

Covered California, in its absolute glory, lost my birthday and so I've received news that for the moment the expensive insurance plan that I am paying for isn't covering me -- with an impending birth on my mind -- I've sat on hold with various customer service lines for about 5 hours at this point. No closer to resolution.

As luck or maybe Lent would have it, the kids are on spring break so I've been with them constantly trying to tread water but slowly sinking.

Still -- I do not lose hope. I know this present moment will fade. No matter the outcome of any of my current challenges, the Spirit ever guides me. I know that I am where I am supposed to be -- in the middle of my big messy life that God has called me to. I sit down and take a minute to close my eyes and breathe. Letting go our daily concerns. The small things that seem like BIG deals is for whatever reason sooo difficult to do. Praying that God show me the way of patience, peace and grace in the face of stress this week.