It was just before 6 am. I swear I could hear the front door open and close. I reached my hand across the bed. Ulrich was still there sleeping. Zander was snuggled in close to me. He must have shown up sometime in the night. I was sleepy and confused. I drifted back to sleep.
30 minutes later, Philip came creeping in and all of us were starting to stir. I heard the front door again. I reached again. Ulrich was still there.
"Eddie?" I tried.
"Yes mom. " came the chipper voice.
Eddie is always the last one up. Usually I have to drag him out of bed at 8:00 after the littles have left for school. My wheels started turning... I was still groggy and waking up.
"Eddie, come here. Were you outside?"
"Ya, I went for a scoot."
"Were you up all night?"
".... ..... .... um ya. "
It is a common problem among neurodivergent folks to struggle with insomnia. Eddie has for most of his life. He's pulled more all-nighters in his 15 years than I have in my nearly 45.
His brain gets ultra- fixated on something and just can't let go. Common culprits include contraband YouTube, reading, maybe even math. Tonight, it was Pathfinder, his favorite role playing game.
Suddenly, I was thrown into toddler parenting. My goal for the day was to make sure he got lots of light, de-escalated his brain and made it through with whatever function he can squeak out.
I was annoyed. This was a heavy school day. I had set aside time for teaching and learning together. But my plans were going to have to change.
There's a special stress in homeschool. When kids go to school I have a trust that they are "doing OK. " If I'm not hearing from teachers, grades are reasonable and the kid isn't complaining, I generally assume everything is as it should be.
But education is like making sausage and when i started homeschooling I got a front row seat to the sausage factory.
On one hand, I know that homeschool is generally shorter hours and more flexible for the same amount of progress. In the other hand, I constantly worry that we don't get enough done. I want to be confident when I respond to people - yes, homeschool was the right choice, they are doing great. Here is all the proof.
Days like today test me. I feel like throwing the book at him. "Natural conquences will teach him." I reason. "I need to push him anyways. "
My other voice chimes in, "He needs to learn to master this disability. We all have demons, this is his. Natural consequences don't show anyone how to fix something. They provide motivation."
I decided to teach. At great annoyance.
It was a monastic day. The boys helped me systematically clean the house. Make the beds. Wash the laundry. Sweep the floors. Put away toys. Clear the table. Wash the dishes. Take out the garbage. After the house was in reasonable shape, we walked to the grocery store for dinner ingredients. We stopped at the thrift store to pick up a waiter uniform for Andrew to wear to the Maundy Thursday service tomorrow. Andrew pointed out a sign that read "some days success is getting the laundry into the dryer before mildew sets in. " "Ain't that the truth" I thought. "At least I for laundry done today. "
Then we went to church and stuffed candy into Easter eggs. We listened to the audio book "Life Worth Living" and we had a discussion about people we admired and people we wanted to be like and if those lists were the same or different. I dropped Eddie at youth group with a scooter and a plan for him to scoot home.
Bedtime was thoughtful. I reminded him of all the good habits that help sleep come easily and naturally. I took his laptop and many books. I sat in the rocking chair next to his bed while the boys listened to books. He's not asleep yet but he's on his way.
I don't have many years left with this boy. And I know this demon will follow him out into the world and he's going to have to learn on his own but I want to give him a map, a practice, a ritual to help him find his way back when he falls off the edge.
Parenting is so hard and it is the thing that helps me know the heart of God. To love so hard and to give freedom at the same time. We're all a bunch of teenagers making poor choices. And God is there loving us, trying to give us a map, a practice, a ritual to find our way home.
I have a lot of uncertainty in my theology, but one thing I trust fully and know is that God will always draw us home. We may take different routes.
Each of my kids is different. Andrew doesn't struggle with all- nighters like Eddie does, neither does Philip or Miles or Zander... at least not yet. Eddie is different and his struggles are different and the way I parent him and the map and tools that I will try to give him are different than those I will give the others.
I imagine it is this way with God.
This week is one of those ever repeating parenting moments God spends on me. Like sitting in the rocking chair next to Eddie's bed, God walks me through the week, the story, the same questions I always wrestle with. Etching ever deeper the way home, those things that bring me back when my life goes off the rails and I don't have the capability to find my way back on my own.
I'm thankful that God keeps working on me.
To all of you parenting teenagers (and little people). God be with you. Grant you wisdom to find the right tools and rituals to give them a map back from wherever they go that makes you worry. And may God grant you peace in knowing that you are not alone in parenting that child. God is parenting them with you. God will be with them even in places you cannot be. And may, at the end of the day, God remind you how very precious that baby is, how they've filled your heart with joy over the years and how they've changed you as much as you have raised them.
Thank you God for parenting me. And thank you for teaching me through my children. And thank you for teaching me how to parent my children. Continue to focus my heart with love and my mind with wisdom that I may reflect you to them as they reflect you to me.
Amen.
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