I have a hard time doing relatively normal things. For a long time I wanted to be part of a book club or a Bible study to have the opportunity to think and share deep thoughts. Schedule conflicts and a small house unsuitable to host such a thing has made it hard to find a group.
For a while I joined a mom's group at my kids school. It was nice, but it was also lonely. Often it reminded me how different my kids are, how different our family is, how different I am. There were moments where I felt like I could belong. Maybe if I just kept going and assumed that I belonged, I would belong.
One day at mom's group, they discussed having a Bible study and my sons teacher sighed, wishing she could join.
I recognized the sigh. It was the sigh I had let out every happy hour I missed because I had to get home for kids, the runs i missed because a sick baby in my lap, chaperoning field trips that I missed because I had to work.
I went to her later and said, "How about we have a private Bible study via email that we can pick up and put down as needed?"
And so we did. For several years we've sent each other verses and emailed thoughts in between the busyness of life and I've prayed for her and held vigil over her motherhood journey.
It's been a beautiful relationship. Built in two minute increments when I see her at drop off and our emails that come when we have time. It's unforced and honest and easy.
The last few days I've been reminded of other friendships like this -
an artist friend who encourages me to keep painting and who I marvel at her teaching and her works and who is also mom of a big family and lives with limits and attention span that comes in the territory of caring for some many little people,
A pastor friend who shares my heart for ministry and deep thoughts, who is so thoughtful about living well
A writer friend who ponders deeply and connects all the dots
My brother who loves to wrestle with me on theology and politics. We agree about most things and few things at the same time and I want to hit him every time we talk but we always keep at it and rarely have a conversation that's less than 2 hours
A lady from church who sees me and cares for me in thoughtful ways.
A friend who moved away but we always pickup exactly where we left off and when we can we drop each other hefty pebbles to think on.
A Sunday school mom who texts me regularly about all the happenings of Sunday school.
My best friend who schedules a monthly call with me so we have dedicated time to just sit on the phone together and sometimes not even talk about anything.
My mother in law who comes every week to give me a couple hours to talk to my husband without kids.
My mom who goes down the line to hear my deepest thoughts about each of my children and how I'm feeling about motherhood.
The lady at McDonald's who talks to me about homeschooling my boys and her kids and grandkids and takes special care to bring my food to the table knowing every detail of all of our orders.
And as i write this i realize how long the list has grown.
For the longest time I walked alone... or at least it felt that way. I looked for community. I tried to join things. I felt out of place. I thought perhaps I wouldn't find a way to click in anywhere.
But in the past few days I couldn't help but notice how many beautiful people are in my life. Beautiful amazing people who push me in different ways, who see me and who I can see. Who I know and pray for. And I realized this afternoon, it's been a long time since I walked alone. Community has become like family, part of my day.
God shows up in all the little interactions. Little tidbits of discernment, bits of new perspectives to consider, bits of joy and sarrow to carry and to hold up in prayer. Stories to hear and learn from.
It can be hard to overlook them. A few lines of a text. A parking lot conversation. Shouting across the way as kids drag us apart. Cut off bits of stories shared in the gap of time when we bump into each other. It's not planned. It's not a dinner party. But it's a shared moment of humanity and often, as I've taken effort to reflect on these little moments, God has been there speaking to me and teaching me in those tiny moments.
So I am grateful and I'm going to try to slow down and tune in better.
Thank you beautiful people for the gift of light you share in this world. You've made my day and my life a bit brighter.
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