I choose the wrong week to fast from caffiene. During spring break, I was able to systematically reduce caffiene to open up the possibility for a caffiene fast for the end of Lent. Even though I had very little caffiene last week, I still feel groggy with out it.
The kids were hung over from spring break. I barely got them out the door Monday morning and my big kids moved like molasses as we tried to plan our homeschool week.
I could have used them being a bit independent. I had a mountain of dusty desert laundry and a house to put back together. A rat had chewed a part of the dishwasher. The dryer isn't making heat and the motor on the fish tank filter burned out while we were away.
The caterpillars we've been raising for Sunday school are crawling out of their chrysalis early. They won't live long enough for the butterfly sermon that I'm supposed to preach the week after Easter and I'm scratching my head.
I had planned to spend this Lent prioritizing exercise, but my infusion took longer than expected to recover from and life was busy and finally this week the chance to go for a run. I decided to start slow. It felt good and disappointing. On one hand, my airways were open and I could breathe well enough to push my body and raise my heart rate (when I'm inflamed, it's like breathing through a straw and it's very hard to run) . On the hand, all the recent progress i had made was erased. Back at the staring line. Gratitude for breath mixed with disappointment for being out of shape... again. Lent is almost over and my thoughts of using the period to help kick start new focus on my own health leaves me feeling a bit defeated.
I took the kids to 4H tonight to see if they want to try to show oyr rabbit in the fair. The woman kindly and patiently taught Andrew the basics of showmanship. I was tuned in to learn as well so ic could help Andrew practice and decide if he wants to enter. But over in the corner another parent was talking about a different one of my children who had apparently been disruptive in a different class. I had thought he was doing well in that class and my heart fell. I know clearly where my children have room to grow but it still hurts sometimes when they aren't enough. When they can't meet the standard.
April is one of those months that tends to take me hostage. Lent ending, spring break and the school rush that comes after sorting break where everyone starts adding tons of things to the plate before the year ends. It's death by a million paper cuts. Nothing by itself is a big deal. But standing at the base of it feels like a mountain. And after my run today, I question if I'm in shape enough to climb it. Three days into this week and I'm exhausted.
The entire new testament was written for people who were in over their head and at the end of their ropes.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
- Hebrews 12:1-3
Deep breath.
Put one foot in front of the other.
Fix the dishwasher.
Put away clean clothes and hang the wet ones to dry while we figure out the dryer.
Schedule many small runs.
Build a new routine for homeschool to get us re-inspired.
(Small win, I got planners for the boys and they are taking more ownership in planning their days, yay)
Write down items from email into calendar one by one.
Drink water.
Accept that feeling low energy is part of this fast.
Reflect on where God is acting today and how to lean into God's work and presence.
Give myself a measure of grace. Minister to myself. This is hard. Some days are hard. God is with me on hard days.
Life is full of setbacks and disappointments. Sometimes we need to go to bed and start again tomorrow. Sometimes we need to remember the promises of God and choose to trust them. Sometimes we need to put on big girl pants and take life by ear and get it in line. Sometimes we need to scream into the void.
Sometimes I'm too annoyed and tired and sad to be thoughtful. But this is exactly where that "autopilot" part of faith can carry me. This blog, that I had to write because I committed to it and have been doing every single day for over a month now.
I opened the blank page and the words spilled out. Lament. Having a name for it gives me tools to navigate through it. Having a practice that I do on good days and bad days puts the bad days in perspective and reminds me of the bigger picture.
If you are tired or disappointed, may you connect with that thing that brings you rest, comfort or strength. May God bring you what you need next to take just your next step. Sometimes, just taking the next step, however small, is all we are called to do.
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