Lent day 24: expensive grace

 Ironically, while I was writing a post on the free gift of grace, my pastor was writing a sermon on what Dietrich Bonhoffer called "expensive grace."

How can grace be a free gift and yet expensive?  

Jesus said,  "Pick up your cross and follow me."

This sounds expensive. 

"For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."

Hmmm.... it's a free gift,  but we have to give up our life for it. 

Living in a time and place where my faith isn't persecuted is on the perpetual list of things I'm grateful for. I can't place myself in the shoes of the martyrs. I fear I would not have the courage.  So these verses condemn me. 

But then there's this:

For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. 

I've taken this paradox up in prayer many times trying to reconcile this idea of gifted grace and the call of Christ to give up my life. 

God went first. 

I think about that point in my relationship with Ulrich when I was ready to say "I love you" for the first time.  That first time to say those words is a surrender.  It is vulnerability.  Heart laid open to be accepted or rejected. "I love you too" comes back. And safety, warmth, joy follows. Trust follows. Action follows. Marriage follows. 

Love is a free gift. 

But you give up your life for it. 

Willingly. Again and again.  

Whatever happens to Ulrich, I'll go with him.  I'll be there for him. I'll take care of him. 

Whatever happens to my children,  I'll be there.  Sleepless night.  Loss of career opportunity. Endless work. 

I've given my life not just once, but over and over again every new day.  

When I picked up my faith, it is a call... like marriage, like motherhood. It is love calling me to lay down my life again and again. God went first.  God sought me.  Jesus laid down his life.  Grace on offer. To accept is to join in relationship expectant as all relationships are. 

Sometimes there will be sacrifices on my end. But as I read the accounts of the saints before me, it seems for them as natural as the sleepless nights with a baby or the caregiving of a sick partner. 

So, the question isn't,  I think,  am I ready to die for my faith.  But rather am I leaning into my relationship with God? Making small sacrifices that deepen and strengthen both my faith and the brighten the light of God in earth? So many times,  Jesus repeated..." if you love me,  you love my father.  If you love me,  then love your neighbor. "

The rich gift of grace in my life calls me to love. Make tiny sacrifices. Slowly give up my life... in love. 

My job is to look for ways to love more, 

sacrifice more, 

give more....

 full of deep gratitude for that... 

amazing grace.