It's been almost a year since I quit working at the company I helped build. Ulrich is still there slugging through a difficult pandemic year.
This morning he made a comment about feeling extra distractable. He pushed forward with determination. Working from home with the circus that is our life. A baby... and now chickens. It's basically a reality TV show. Of course it is hard to do your best work.
But it's not that... it's something deeper that makes it hard to focus right now.
It is season of responding. It is hard to be intentional on a time of responding.
You wake up. Open to the world. Knowing that the world will throw a change or a crisis at you that will make you throw all your plans away. Over time, the constant change wears down the will to make plans at all and just wake up and do whatever life asks.
But then... what to do when life doesn't present something to respond to? There is empty space. Somehow the empty space gets filled with news or social media or distraction instead of the 100 things that we would do when there is time. Me.. I scroll. Not looking for something in particular but also I feel like I am looking. I'm searching my feed for some hint of something I can't name out loud, can't quite put a finger on. Something that helps me make sense of now and signals what tomorrow might bring.
I think this is a form of waiting. Being ready. Expecting life to throw something, so why get busy with something important when any second we are bound to be interrupted again.
The Bible talks a lot about waiting. Being expectant. Jesus could show up any time. Maybe we've been in this responsive place for the last 2,000 years.
It is uncomfortable not knowing...
Not knowing what's happening at work
Or when the pandemic will end and things will get back to some kind of normal
Not knowing what school look like in the fall
Or where life moves on from here
It is clear that someday and in some way there will be resolutions to things but for now we live in an uncertain present.
As much as I've lived through seasons of uncertainty, I still bristle. I like control thank you very much. I'd like a start date from which I can start planning my life back. I'd like to know how my kids are going to readjust to going back to school and what professional options and opportunities I should be considering. What I should focus on getting done now so that later me won't slap her forehead and say.... dang, you had all the time in the world, why didn't you.
So... do I scroll? What's happening on tiktok, Facebook, Instagram, pinterest.... Is there some better way to work out the waiting?
What if I repeated a prayer?
Lord, show me ways to work through the waiting today. Show me ways to live out your grace in this uncertain season. Give me one small place to sow seeds of intentionality.
I think, in many ways, being open to respond to what life calls from us right now is enough. It is an act of faith to live without the security blanket of long term plans and just be present in the season we are in. It takes grace and forgiveness to be kind to ourselves in the face of distractions. It takes intention to set the phone down and breath into the very moments of life that feel empty as we wait for news of what's coming.
I don't do great. I'm not sure any of us do. But spiritual practices are just moments of practice... that we do again and again.
Lent.
Advent.
Seasons of expectation.
Waiting on God.
Waiting on hope.
Waiting on resurrection.
I shall add waiting to my list of practices to try during this Lent time. How might God show up if I turn my heart during all the little moments of uncertainty, distraction and empty time?
I'll try practicing this. Just a little and see.
No comments:
Post a Comment