Lent Day 13: but I want to be sad

I was listening to a podcast called "The next right thing" (which I highly recommend) about making decisions and ways to discern where God is calling you in this season. 

I was really stuck by one of the episodes about a single tiny word - "Let"

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... Colossians 3:15

When Andrew was 2, he had terrible fits before bed. Often, they would come because he didn't touch every fire hydrant he had seen or we didn't walk quite the right way to the parking garage.  He was so tiny, but so self aware and somehow in touch with so many little truths. He used to open my eyes to so many little things about peoole and the world I had never noticed. 

So,  as he would lose his mind about not touching the 13th hydrant during our walk,  I would lay next to him in bed and say, "Andrew, it's time to calm down. " he would protest... I want to be sad. 

It was so profound.  When I'm upset,  I usually resist things that would lighten my mood.  Same when I'm angry or stressed.  Somehow those terrible feelings make me believe that I need to hold on to them because the situation calls for it and to give up my negative reaction or emotion is to accept defeat somehow. It somehow would make the whole thing worse if I wasn't upset.  

If I got fired or lost a friendship or someone said something mean to me or i failed at parenthood that day,  I needed to be sad, angry, stressed or overwhelmed.  I need to replay it over and over in my mind and grow my reaction to an appropriate size.  I want to be sad. 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... 

Not right now,  Jesus.  I want to be sad.  But also.... I don't want to be sad.  So fix the thing then I'll be justified and I'll happily not be sad. 

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... 

But what if, like baby Andrew,  I found a way to allow myself to be comforted in the midst of the brokenness of life. What if I could accept God's peace right in the current moment?

Things are still out of place. I still haven't fixed everything. I'm going to bed unfinished.  But what if I could let the peace of God rule and I could lay down my need to be justified in my emotions.  What if I could let the peace of God rule and I could trust in that love the way baby Andrew trusted me.