I spent most of the afternoons in meetings planning out next steps for each of the kids therapies.
I have a torn heart about therapy... For the most part, they are "normal" kids. They are a bit odd sometimes, but everyone is, right? They have challenges, but everyone does. And maybe, I should dump therapy and just mother them.
But other times the are moments when I feel like they really do need the extra help that I have a hard time providing. They are so good for so long, then boom - something emerges and I feel really grateful to have a therapy team to help me figure it out.
The other thing is.... once you "graduate" from therapy it can be really hard to get it back.
So a fear comes over me.
"What if I can't give them what they need?"
I think this is one of the deepest fears parents face. "What if I fail as a parent?" What if I can't give my kid what they need?"
There aren't any do overs.
As I plan out therapy goals I ponder the question. "Is this what's best?"
Faith invites me to set my fears aside. Lead with love.
Grace invites me to save space for myself.
To recognize that I probably will fail them in some way,
but God journeys with me.
Bigger than my failures and inadequacies.
Filling the gaps.
Using the road we are traveling to build and shape each of my boys.
Using the road we are traveling to build and shape me.
I don't know exactly the best road to close from here for each of the boys, but I do know that the Spirit journeys with me.
And so
Onward.
Laying down fear.
Picking up faith.
Choosing tomorrow
And leaning hard on grace.
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