Day 33: Preach preacher

I've been a little jittery all week.

The last time I remember feeling this way was a few years ago when I pitched our company in front of a huge crowd at a "women in tech" festival.

It wasn't so much getting up in front of the entire church. It wasn't even really the sermon.  It was something about the largeness of leading sunday morning worship.

It was an ordinary sunday. 
An ordinary service.
Everything was written in the bulletin.

Aside from the sermon,  everything I said was written down and even the choreography,  the movements where I stood,  when I raised my hand,  was part of the litergy, the ritual of church.

I think that's what made me a little nervous. I was taking on a part of something really large.  A variation on centuries old tradition. World over priests, pastors and ministers blessed the bread,  led the prayers and read the readings.

It's ordinary. 
But Holy.

I've always felt this nagging question if I should have pursued ordained ministry. I've never felt a clear push towards or away. This morning was the first time I truly felt the weight of what an ordained minister does. And that was what made me so jittery.

There was so much reassurance when I arrived at church. Loving eyes looked into mine. Sensing my uneasiness.  Kind words offered me a measure of grace. "Whatever it is,  it will be great. " I had never felt so much like I belonged.  It was home in way that it had never been.

I was suited up with a wireless mic, said a prayer and followed the cross down the aisle. My inlaws showed up. I greeted the congregation and church happened.

Hindsight is 20/20. There were things I had forgotten to say and things that didn't come out how I had intended,  but all in all the meat of the message came through.

Communion from the other side of the table was so beautiful.  The bread.  The wine.  The table.  Every person came. The old with trembling hands.  The newborns in their parents arms.  Each life beautiful and precious to God.  Each created in God's image.  The weight of leading lifted and I melted into a different form of participation. It was worship for me,  but at a different angle.

The congregation sang "It is well with my soul." And my spirit soared. I sang along deeply lingering in each word.

It is well
It is well
With my soul.