Lent Day 39: Emotionally Drained

I realized today that I'm tired. Not in a "I need a good night's sleep" kind of way, but rather in a "I need some down time to recover from life" kind of way. Lenten practices combined with a number of major life changes and potential changes and supporting friends through various stresses has left me exhausted. I see the week ahead and I wonder with what strength will I make it through.

It is the exact place I want to be. Spirituality this week isn't going to happen by my own searching, but by God's grace. Achievements this week aren't going to happen by my own strength, but by the Holy Spirit carrying me. And words of love and encouragement that I may share with friends will most definitely not come from my own wisdom but by the fullness of God working in me.

By being completely poured out and unable to take one more step on my own, this Holy Week I ask God to carry me. To reveal the power of the cross and to lean fully into it. To be fully aware of my short-comings, my need for God, every day, perhaps every hour this week and to stand firm knowing that the temple curtain was ripped once for all time releasing God's presence to be with us - always, no matter what. Amen.

Lent Day 38: Friends

Today brought me many random encounters with acquaintances that deepened our relationship. A woman from my workout group got a masters from Michigan and we shared stories from our time at school there. A friend from church talked to me for an hour or more about things closest to the heart - our children, our marriages, our purpose. My neighbor stopped by to chat and to plan times to hang out. My other neighbor stopped by with a gift for the new baby.

For so much of my life in this town I have felt isolated. I have poured myself into trying to develop new friendships and a sense of community making little progress. I finally gave up. Realizing that life was full of family and work, I let go of my desires for friendship to more fully devote myself to my current call.

I think it was an important step for me to let go. To recognize the seasons in life and to embrace a time of wilderness with my family. To be more supportive of my husband and to be available to my parents and brothers... I am convicted that this is my current ministry and life's work.

But even so, God does not mean for us to walk alone. Days like this remind me that there is a potential to connect and love anyone who crosses paths with us. And that we do not need to travel long roads together to afford ourselves moments of sharing the journey. And, if we can recognize those moments, we can be a light. Sharing God's grace with the world. And, other times, we can be fed and hear God's own voice speaking words of encouragement to carry on.

Lent Day 37: One more week to go

Ulrich has every other Friday off, so tonight feels like a Friday night at our house. We stayed up late together watching a movie and unwound from the week. It feels like the week flew by but measured in my weariness - emotion and physical - I can say it was a long week.

This Sunday marks the procession of palms. Jesus's final entry into Jerusalem. On Thursday we'll celebrate the last supper. On Friday, the passion. On Saturday, the tomb and finally... finally... a week from Sunday we'll celebrate the great joy of Easter. I would so love one day to spend Holy Week in Jerusalem. To walk the streets. To climb the hill. To visit the sites and to be surrounded by the geography of my most sacred moments of the year.

My emotions headed into the week I feel are an odd combination of passion, fatigue, hope, and trepidation which feel appropriate to vastness of the rituals in the coming week. But I am drained.  My heart feels no strength and I wonder to myself if I'll be able to greet the joy of Easter with anything more than a groggy good morning. I will put my trust in the Lord. And he will renew my strength.

Lent Day 36: Dreams

Dreaming Big. Sometimes life offers the opportunity to step outside our current situation and ask ourselves - what if? Today I thought about possibility. Quietly letting my heart open itself to passions while subduing the rational voice that so eager seeks to critique. While rational decision-making is a paramount skill in life, I think the world would stand still if we limited ourselves to the rational device. I don't think we'd ever get married or have children. We'd limit the creation of new art and inventions. We'd limit compassion. We'd limit that creative force that changes the world.

Faith demands more than rational thought. Our God is a creator and created us in his image, to dream and to create. By lingering in places that are inaccessible by reason alone, God invites us to wrestle with and voyage through the less defined geographies of the heart.

While the dark hues of Lenten discipline seem hardly the place to bring the bright colors of our dreams, I dare to say it calls us to be bold in our passions. How can the cross be understood with reason? Jesus carried his cross with the dream of Easter morning in his heart. Be bold. Dream big.

Lent Day 35: Stuff Breaks

So today I spent most of the day dealing with broken stuff. A toilet that won't flush, a dryer that won't dry, automatic bill pays that aren't going through. In the middle of dealing with all the immense frustration that is customer service, a friend called and asked me if I could drive her to an appointment. Grumpily I agreed and returned to my hold music.

Why does broken stuff infuriate us so much? The inconvenience of taking time to deal with people that we assume are not going to help us and the time to wait for the thing in question to be fixed. Really, in the scheme of life, it's not a big deal. But I can't think of anything that messes up your day more than when your computer breaks down and you spend 6 hours trying to recover some document you lost.

I didn't feel like I had time for my friend's appointment. In the midst of all my broken stuff. My responsibilities. Eddie was still napping and I braced myself for an epicly bad afternoon of him crying all the way to Pleasanton while thoughts about what to do about my broken dryer lingered in my mind, hoping I'd be back in time for the plumber.

Eddie woke up happy in the car. My friend and I talked,  then we laughed. For the whole errand, we laughed and laughed. I felt light and arrived home just as the plumber pulled up to the house. Toilet is temporarily fixed. (we need a new one).

I don't think it's possible to avoid the frustration that comes with life's unexpected break downs. We would hope that we could have larger perspective at such times. But, I think break-downs are one of those things that God joins us in our humanity rather than expecting us to reach towards the divine. And if we, however reluctantly, grumpily, can open ourselves to his presence, he can melt away the stress, frustration and anger and help us re-find a place of gratitude.

Lent Day 34: Carry On

Week 30. Reaching week 30 in pregnancy makes it feel like you are almost there. Only 10 more weeks, this is going to fly by. But, really 10 more weeks is a long time still. And... and.... it's an uncomfortable 10 weeks. Braxton-hicks, my old friends, are nice and strong. Bouts of itchy rash. And this time all with the joys of a toddler climbing on me and having tantrums (which are getting increasingly harder to pick him up from).

Other than being officially "big" pregnant. Life is full. Full of decisions. Full of things to do. Full of people to love. Full. I am full. Sometimes, too full, overwhelmed by all that fills my life. I've written about these things already -- the beauty of having fullness, the strength that God brings to carry us when we are overwhelmed, the pregnancy of Lent and the long days stretching out to Holy Week, finding peace in the midst of chaos. All applicable again today. But no new revelation that inspires me....

Perhaps that is it. Perhaps this is the part of faith, that is just about walking another day. Taking another step and staying the course. I guess that's my spiritual revelation...some days we just gotta keep plowing and know that we're on the path.

Lent Day 33: Weary

This morning our band sang a song by Eric Clapton, "Give me Strength." The lyrics say:

"Dear Lord, Give me strength to carry on"

With 14 more days till Easter, I prayed that prayer deeply today. Coming to Holy Week at the end of Lent is like mile 20 of a marathon. So close, so very close, and yet still excruciatingly far to go. I know Easter's promise is there and I try to hold on to that as I attempt to pick up my very very tiny cross and follow Jesus.

When I think of the magnitude of Christ's suffering, my crosses seem small and easy to bear. And yet, in the middle of it, any challenge I seem to face draws my complete attention and feels large. Maybe my prayer should focus on perspective and in that I will find strength. For Christ conquered everything on that hill leaving nothing but the challenge of faith for us. If we can remain in him, then NOTHING is impossible and we shall overcome.

Lent day 32: Retreating

Today Ulrich and I had a 4 hour get-away to Starbucks to sit in the quiet, re-group and hash out the coming months. As life gets clearer, and Easter draws near, the time is soon coming for us to make many important decisions and to prepare for the coming changes in our lives. Even when you know you are on the same page, it is good to take time to communicate. Just the act of sharing and talking can validate your direction, your feelings and strengthen your convictions knowing they are shared.

Prayer can do this too. You can pray knowing that you are walking with God. Knowing that you are in step with your call, but the act itself can validate you and strengthen your devotion. Sometimes, I just wish that God would hang out at Starbucks for an afternoon and say, "Yep. that's what you're supposed to be doing."

Lent Day 31: Rest

Today I spent a lot of time with my little man. We enjoyed nice weather by spending the morning at the park. He took a long nap and then we spent more time outside in the backyard. Exploring - looking at spiders, turning the pedals on the bicycles and watching the chain go around the gears and turn the tire. Watering plants. I sat in a lawn chair and enjoyed the sun on my face. We went for a walk around the block. We watched Puss in Boots together and he snuggled under blankets. He hugged me tight and kissed me goodnight.

In the midst of life, sometimes its easy to focus on "more important things." There are to-do items that demand my attention. There are situations that are serious. There are responsibilities. As a mom, a wife, a business woman, a sister, a church leader, a daughter, a Christian serious about living out my call in life it is easy to become Martha. To dance through the day handling everything (and sometimes even with an element of grace).

But there are days that we must head the call to be Mary. To be still in the presence of God. To recognize what love looks like and to take it in. To sit and rest with creation, knowing that creator is hidden in the sun's rays and the mild breeze. Today, for me, love looked like a curious 2 year old who revealed the sheer peace of God.

Lent Day 30: Counseling

Today I wore many hats. One of them was counselor. I listened to different people with different problems and provided a safe place to explore emotions. It is a job that comes with heavy responsibility where you try to strike a balance between just being a safe place for them to discover their own solutions and offering alternatives that come from having a different perspective and set of life experiences.

I took some time to pray in the afternoon for wisdom. And in my petitions I asked God to send a wise counselor, wiser than me.... Then, I realized, that's the name of the Holy Spirit. I reflected on the Holy Spirit and its role in prayer.... To work in us as we bring our concerns to God, helping us more deeply reflect and discover our  own solutions and to offer us alternatives through scripture, wise words of others, aha moments.

I sometimes think its tricky in prayer to hear what God might be telling me. But if the Holy Spirit is the wisest of counselors, then maybe it doesn't matter so much which is my voice and which is His. It matters more that we speak often and that I bring all my toughest issues rather than try to just muddle through it on my own. If nothing more than to allow the Holy Spirit question me revealing my own heart to me and to give me strength to tackle changes I need to make in myself to be formed into the creation God intended me to be.

Lent Day 29: Stepping it up

As I draw near to Holy Week, Lent seems to always find a way to get more intense. More primal. More in touch with the rawness of life. This year seems to be no exception. Every aspect of my life is pushing me harder and harder on that path of discipleship. Daring me to walk that passionate road with Christ. Daring me to abandon myself to faith and trust that God's plan is bigger than what I can see now. 

Strengthened by the devotions, the prayers and the uplifting moments that I have faced so far on this Lenten journey I feel ready dive into the passion and the Cross. I also feel tired physically and mentally. With each day, the baby is growing larger, taking more of my energy and ability.  It feels appropriate somehow and makes me lean heavier on prayer.  

The only way I will be able to walk this path is by doing what Jesus did. Praying honestly and offering each day to God. Then trusting him and putting one foot in front of the other. Easter is out there and its bright light shines into the darkness.

Lent Day 28: Planning Good Friday

I spent a good part of the day thinking about our Good Friday service. I lead music at our church and the pastor had the idea to make the Good Friday service a reflection on the cross through music and word, guided by the seven last words of Christ.

"Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

"I tell you today you will be with me in paradise"

"Son, behold your mother. Mother, behold your son."

"My God, My God, Why have you forsaken me."

"I thirst"

"It is finished"

"Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit"

Looking at the passion through the words spoken from the cross is a new perspective. Removing the visuals and peering in deeper to the heart of Christ - his humanity, his love, his emotion - as he bore the weight of the world that dark Friday.

I am inspired by the love and compassion - that even as Jesus is abandoned by everyone, nailed to a cross at the spurn of the world's hate, forsaken by God, he finds compassion for the thief next to him and for his grieving mother at his feet. I pray that a small measure of that Spirit rest with me and enable me to see beyond my own emotions and situation and reach out with compassion to those around me.

Lent Day 27: Wheels turing

The wheels are starting to turn. All the things that started as unknown and invisible are becoming clear. My day was full. I was busy with new work activities. Busy planning a wedding. Busy with all the upcoming changes that are soon to be born into my life. Even as I paused to write this, I took some time to stare and wonder at my belly. The baby inside has grown large and strong enough to change the shape of my stomach. I sit and watch the life that is inside me grow and dance.

God gives us different seasons. Some times are for reflection. Some times are for preparing. Some times are for action. Our prayer is to stay in step with the Spirit and follow God's lead in the season's life brings us. 

Lent Day 26: Letting Go

I think the hardest thing about love is letting it go.

In every calling I've had - Haiti, Crossings, people that have been brought into my life, weddings I've organized, births I've attended, exercise groups that I've led - what I've poured my whole self in. I've loved from the deepest places in my heart. And, yet, the time comes when the Wind blows a new direction and I have to let go. Every time I think I will be better prepared than the last. Every time there is a sting of pain as I open my arms (willingly or unwillingly) and let my love go off into the world.

The feeling of letting go creates an emptiness. A vacuum of where to direct energy and attention after a prolonged period of passion and reflection. Letting go also creates a vulnerability. It's admitting that you are no longer needed and if you are graceful, slipping away un-noticed into the background. I have not yet found a way to be graceful at letting go. I'm working at it and definitely better than I was in my 20s but still have a long way to go. Thankfully, I still have a few years before I will have teenagers which I'm sure will be one of the greatest challenges of letting go that I will ever face.

It's amazing that God decided upon a creation that gives us free will. We can choose to walk away. We can tell God that we don't need him and somehow, he's ok with that. He doesn't move mountains or alter the course of history -- though, on rare occasions, he does send whales to let us know that he'd really like us to do something. And yet, he continues to love ... deeply .... fully. And he choose the cross giving us the option to receive his love or reject it.

Lent Day 25: Walking Together

Me and Ulrich going through some crazy life changes

One of Eddie's favorite books is "A color of his own" by Leo Lionni. The more I read it, the more I find it to be a simple but deep explanation of human nature. The chameleon is unhappy because he always changes color. He decides to stay in one place so that he won't change color anymore. But seasons come and go and with the leaves, the chameleon changes. He then meets another chameleon who tells him that they can't stop from changing but if they stay together, they will always be the same. And they do. They go through life together, always changing but always the same as each other.

By nature, life change is hard and we do things to push back against it when we can. We can be afraid of the unknown or just content with the way things are. So, why do they have to change? But seasons in life come and go. We are carried through them and we adapt.

But, God does not ask us to walk alone. In fact, God created us in his image. To live in relationship. To be together and to experience change together. With family, with friends, with church, with community. God often chooses to answer prayer through our hands and feet. Working in us that we can work out life together - which is no less a miracle than parting the Red Sea on most days.

Lent Day 24: Pregnant

My entire life is pregnant. Spring is starting to burst forward with new life. A baby churns inside me. Our life is burgeoning with transition that are just around the corner but not quite here. Pregnancy, like Lent, is a time of waiting. Knowing the stillness and emptiness will be filled with life, energy and things to do. It's both exciting and terrifying.

The mind races with questions - what will it be like? How will life be different? How will I be different? How can I prepare? When will it happen?

You never know when birth will come. Often in the middle of the night, awaking you from sleep. In the darkest, stillest moments, a violence over takes us and new life is brought forth. It is that way with God too. We pray, we plead, we plan. We get silence. We relent to the silence and then, in the unexpected moment the wildness of God breaks forth in new creation. Opening doors. Changing our lives. Setting our courses. As we draw to the dark evening of Good Friday, and hear that striking silence after that final cry -- It is finished! When the whole of creation holds its breath, God is at work. Easter is coming....

Lent Day 23: Facing Fear

There are conversations that we dread having. Conversations that bring reality too close or open the door for conflict that we don't know how to handle. A conversation with a boss who's upset with you, or firing someone. A conversation with your trainer about the exercises you haven't done or your dentist about why you haven't flossed as much as you should have.

I had one of those conversations today. I had been waiting and praying and looking for the opportunity that never seemed to present itself. Finally, with a deep breath, I bit the bullet and took on the initiative of opening dialog.  I was amazed by how open and easy it went. How understanding we both were of each other's situations. I thought, "Thank you God, for intervening here."

As I reflect, one of my favorite verses comes to mind...

1 John 4: 18  - "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..." 

In prayer, we can rest with an assurance that God is with us and have boldness to take on the things in life that scare us. And, through prayer, we are transformed by love to ease the fears of those around us. 

Lent Day 22: Priorities

Ever since I left the formal work world I have struggled with balancing priorities. Work gives us routine. Gives us large chunks of life that are non-negotiable. But, in the absence of work creating structure  in your life, you have to figure out each day what is important and what should draw your attention. For me I balance quality time with Eddie, earning extra income to support our household, various volunteer activities, helping my family and participating in church. Some days have clear priorities. A crisis comes up. A big project. Eddie gets sick. But many days there is nothing particularly special and after the morning rush of getting Ulrich out the door for work, I sit down and wonder -- where is my focus?

I wish God were a more involved boss. I want a performance review. How am I doing against our objectives? I want direction on the latest projects that he has in mind for me to work on. I come in prayer, like email messages, they go off. I know at some point I'll get a response but not usually right now when I want it.

This Lenten journey so far has served to complicate my to-do list. Making it even less clear where God would place my time and attention. I have the urge to take action. To make a plan. To take control. But, deep inside I hear the voice -- "wait, be still. You are still in the wilderness. I will lead you and make priorities for you. Trust me with your life." "But God," I respond --" What do I do in the meantime??"

"Be still and know that I am God."

Lent Day 21: A Gray Day

The day was gray. The air was heavy. I felt sad. Today, I was aware of how hard life can be. There wasn't anything particularly bad that happened today. I live with deep gratitude for all the blessings in my life. But still, I  think of all the difficult roads we must travel in life. I see people in my life with difficult paths and I pray with deep earnestness for God to come along side them and to carry them through the hard times.

Then, tonight at band practice we sang a song that lifted my spirits --

I came to the swift, raging river, And the roar held the echo of fear;
“Oh Lord, give me wings to fly over, If You are, as You promised, quite near.”
But He said, “Trust the grace I am giving, All-pervasive, sufficient for you.
Take my hand, we will face this together; But My plan is – not over, but through.”

Lent is about trusting in God's Grace in the moments that feel darkest, knowing that beyond there is a promise of Easter. A promise of renewal, of peace, of joy, of love, of hope. Those first green shoots poking up announcing the coming of spring remind me of the new life of Easter just around the corner. And I have hope.

Lent Day 20: It's still Lent

I don't know if it's the time change or pregnancy or the general upheaval of life that made me so exhausted today, but I found myself moving in relative slow motion. By the time that Ulrich came home from work I couldn't peel myself off the couch.

It's definitely the middle of Lent. As anticipated, life is taking on new focus and direction. Still, I am slow to act. Slow to respond. I like to take these 40 days and listen, reflect and pray. Even without much intervention from me I find life taking on new focus. A baby is growing inside me and everyday getting stronger. My brother has decided to get married at the end of April. People have been contacting me about various business opportunities. I have been focusing this Lenten time to taking it all in. Praying... and going with the flow. And through my devotion time and the writing of this blog, I find the hand of God gently guiding my life along.

Don't give up. My prayer book urged me today. Even when you don't feel like it. Make space for God. Like exercise, you won't necessarily feel the results right away, but slowly over time, you will see. So far, I agree. So, today, even when I'm dead tired. I don't give up. I continue my Lent and look forward to Easter.

Lent Day 19: Prayer

This morning I had the joy of returning to our old church up in Davis to serve as a healing minister. We only do it a few times a year now but it's still very meaningful for us to take the trip up. It's a familiar place. It feels much like coming home to a family reunion. So much is the same. So much has changed. We hug and smile and share news and memories.

The other reason, though, that I still serve as a healing minister there is the fact that someone in the congregation will inevitably find me and bring to me the concern of the day and we will pray together. There is something very powerful about that that moves me and speaks to me each time. Today, I prayed with five people. They came to me during communion, shared what was going on and I offered a quick prayer. Though the entire interaction was probably less than 5 minutes each. Every prayer felt timeless. Between us, in that space there were things not spoken to anyone but God. They invited me into the most vulnerable corners of their hearts and I held them re-assuring of the promise that no matter what they are growing through, God is with them.

Prayer is funny on how many forms it takes. I think of all the times I prayed today. Written prayers during the church service. Those deep healing prayers. Silent meditations that I prayed on the floor of my shower while Eddie poured water from one cup to another and over my head. His bedtime prayer before I sent him off to sleep. Evening prayers in bed with Ulrich just before writing this post. Each very different in style and content. Each a valid expression of reaching out and inviting God to be present. I think no matter how we pray, God knows the desires of our hearts and just asks us to bring them any way we know how.

Lent Day 18: Perseverance

We spent the day working outside in the yard. Preparing garden beds, trimming the grass, pulling weeds, painting the porch. There were so many projects. Starting the day, I was overwhelmed thinking of all of it. We started in. Pulling one weed at a time. The day finished and I looked around. The front yard manicured. The porch with a full fresh coat of paint. A cement rock wall taking shape in the back.

Projects that I hadn't even considered doing this year were well on the way to completion. Having my Dad here sparked in us a motivation to attack the work. Each of us drew off of each other's energy and kept going even though we all talked about wanting a nap in the afternoon.

A main focus on my reading about prayer tonight was on continuing the discipline even when it feels like you are not good at it or making progress or being heard. It is to pray more and to trust that God will be faithful. It seems that surrounding yourself with a community of believer's makes this type of perseverance easier. Just as each of us wanted to give up on the yard work, watching the work of the others inspired us to continue on with each of our jobs. There was also a desired to help each other when the work got hard.

In the past few years, I've found myself with a prayer partner. We talk on the phone about life, about matters of the heart, about matters of faith and then we pray, out loud for each other. Her dedication to pursuing faith inspires me. My living out my call inspires her. We both press on towards God.

Looking back, its been one weed at a time. But I've made progress in my faith. There are many projects left to tackle. Unanswered questions and hidden doubts that nag on me in the deepest corners of my heart. But, I trust Grace and persevere in prayer after the heart of God.

Lent Day 17: Gratitude

Today I woke up to a happy baby and happy husband. My house was clean. I went to church and led a workout class for a group of mom's. The workout felt amazing. We all went to the park together and talked while the kids played happily in the warm sunlight a dazzling blue sky above.

An old colleague drove out to visit with his son and we sat and talked about big ideas that could change the world and the simple ways that parents shapes and molds your soul. It was interesting to see him. When we worked together, he was single, focused. A bachelor. And now, a stay at home dad. Deeply relaxed in who he was. It made me smile.

Eddie fell asleep on the way home from the park. He was content and peaceful. The house was empty. I had some sacred time of silence without much busyness to attend to. Ulrich came home from work and we talked about his latest ideas and inventions. He was uplifted by the progress that he has been making. I was uplifted by the passion I heard in his voice.

I met up with my Dad for dinner. I ordered a most amazing burger and fries and enjoyed every bite.  Out on the highway, a large golden moon hung just above the horizon and jazz carried me home with a prayer in my heart.

I tried to reflect on a deeper lesson that I could draw from. But, maybe just simply resting in the gratitude that wells up in me - for my beautiful, healthy child, for my supportive husband, for the wondrous creation that is our home, a God that inspires and empowers deep change in people's lives, for delicious food, for jazz, the moon and peace in my heart. For today, that is enough and I am satisfied.

Lent Day 16: Grumpy

Today started out great. I was positive. I was dealing with change and unexpecteds. I was getting my work done. Then...I picked up Eddie. He is still recovering from a bout of stomach virus and is generally "off." All day he was clingy, hungry, tired. Wouldn't sleep. Wouldn't eat. Pushed my buttons. Ulrich came home to me, a pile on the couch. Defeated. I was cranky too at this point even though I had made amazing plans for BBQing tri-tip for dinner.

At 6:30, I was done. I stripped Eddie and threw him in the tub. It was late enough to start bedtime. Something magic happened. He got happy. He played independently in the tub. He didn't fight me getting out. He let me put his lotion and jammies and happily read his nightly book. When I turned out the light, he sang the lullaby with me and cuddled into me settling himself down to sleep. My heart melted. All this time I have sung to him. He knows the words of the song and sang it back to me.

I reflect on us as God's children. God carries us through our days like a mother of a toddler. He knows the bigger picture of our lives. The past and the future that are beyond our knowledge. He knows what we need. Like toddlers, we resist. We ask for substitutes. We throw tantrums. We try to assert our independence. And sometimes, God lets us try to figure it out, even though it makes both of us miserable. And sometimes, enough is enough and he gives us what we need. Sometimes, magic happens and we find the peace to let God lead us. And sometimes, in the dark stillness, we sing with God the words he's written on our hearts since before we were born. And that must make him smile.

Lent Day 15: Need for relationships

This morning when I woke up. Actually, before I woke up, I heard Ulrich eating a bowl of cereal for breakfast. My dad is visiting and may be incapable of starting his day without cereal and we are low on both milk and cereal. "Ulrich" I moaned. His response - "...seems I can't do anything right this week." I felt bad. One nag too many. I wrote him an email later telling him I was sorry, pregnant ladies can't always help nagging.

Later, I read on facebook a blog post from a stay-at-home mom who wrote a wonderful appreciative post about her husband giving her the freedom to raise children and pursue her call in life. Then, my mom called to talk about my brother's recent engagement. My brother called to talk about lent. My student showed up and we talked about cultural differences in raising children. I talked about how I noted that African mothers keep babies close to their skin during their first two years and wondered if that contributed to what I sense as an overall calm in handling strife and tragedy. The entire evening was dominated by Eddie's need to lay on me. He was whiny and clingy. Finally, after getting Eddie to bed, my dad and I ended up having a long thoughtful discussion about gay marriage and polygamy (which deserves it's own post on some other blog).

My reflection on all this is that we need each other. To talk to, to lean on, to flat out lay on. We are created in God's image. Made to be in relationship -- as God, in the trinity, is in relationship. And that the outcome of relationship is creation. God made the world. We support each other to pursue dreams, ideas, goals. We support each other to make and raise babies. Unlike God, however, there are imperfections in our relationships and thus a need for repentance and forgiveness. A need for patience and trying again. A need to listen more. A need to love and to keep loving. 

As the gifts of the Spirit support us in our walk and relationship with God. They also go a long way in healing and strengthening our relationships with each other. Guess, I still need whatever gift of the Spirit that would keep me from overly nagging my amazing husband.

Lent Day 14: A million little stresses

I've managed to tackle my to-do list and pull up out of the overwhelm of yesterday. But alas, each day greets us with it's own bag of tricks. Today was one of those days where lots of little unexpecteds - people coming by, errands needing to happen, things getting canceled, etc. Stuff like that. Stuff that, by itself is insignificant, but added to a mix leaves you feeling a little unsettled.

As I reflect this evening, I realize that we don't handle change well. Even small change. If we develop a plan in our mind and then life deviates from the plan it feels uncomfortable, stressful. Some of us handle this by not developing a plan at all, while others try to plan for contingencies. We try to cope either through seizing control or by not engaging the future, accepting whatever may come as the way things are.

For me, walking with God means to walk that line --allowing God to speak in the planning of life and fully releasing that plan back to God with a prayer to have patience and grace to deal with all the unexpecteds. I'm not always good at it. Sometimes, I find the grace to just go with the flow. Let go of my to-do list. Open myself to the opportunity of the day. Sometimes, I don't and change fills me with prickles of stress - draining my battery.

I was reading in my book on prayer today that through prayer, we can be changed. The gifts of the Spirit can fall on us and strengthen us for life's unexpected path. I am encouraged to rest in that this Lent. As I continue to pray, may I be changed, strengthened and renewed -- ready to greet my unexpected future with God's eyes.

Lent Day 13: Overwhelmed

Mom's do not get time off. 

Monday after a weekend away, nursing a sick baby is an incredibly overwhelming task. My email inbox was piled high with urgent messages. The house was a mess. I had deadlines to meet and an incredibly clingy 2 year old. I felt underwater.

We went outside to get some fresh air. It was beautiful - mid 70s. The sun was shining. I watered the garden and pulled weeds while Eddie jumped on his tricycle. He then took off all his clothes and played with the hose. My to-do list loomed over my head. Trying to be present in the beauty of the day. Trying to be diligent to the responsibilities of my life. Martha or Mary? Looking for balance.

It seems that prayer is a good answer for overwhelm. Whenever Jesus was faced with a large crowd, it seems that he "retreats up the mountain to pray" for some time and then returns. Taking time to post these blogs, reflect on God and to pray seems to have given me a renewed sense of pursuing that which is most important. Re-prioritizing my list of things to do and making it feel more manageable. A little of Martha and Mary. :)

Lent Day 12: Life is Beautiful

I came home from the weekend exhausted. I woke up early hoping to get home in time to go to church. I arrived home to a zombie of a husband caring for sick 2 year old who kept him up all night.

We spent the day just wishing it was time to go to bed. We were too tired to talk or move. We curled up on the couch with a movie and just at the high point, Eddie threw up all over me. I mean, all over me. We had to laugh because it was so incredibly disgusting there was nothing else to do.

Cleaning up from that I remembered a facebook status that I had posted a few months back -

Life is messy and I don't always live up to the person I aspire to be. But still there is much light in my life. Glad to have so many people (and therefore mess) in my life."

Love is messy. Yet God continually pushes us to learn how to love, how to forgive, how to sacrifice, how to let go of self to make room for the Spirit and for each other. We can't achieve the kind of perfect relationship found in the Trinity. But we can learn from Jesus.

Lent Day 11: Square Peg, Round Hole

I had one of those days where I just felt a bit out of place. I was spending the weekend with a dear friend for her bachelorette party. It was incredibly tame and laid back as far as bachelorette weekends go. We all just hung out in a beautiful house in Bodega Bay enjoying the scenery, amazing food and celebrating our friend.

All in all, it was a relaxing weekend, but I didn't know any of the other women prior to the weekend and didn't know exactly what to talk about. At the moment, I don't have easy answers to those basic questions like what do you do? I found myself searching for some interesting or concise way to describe myself and my current life phase. Nothing came easy. If I had a facebook status, it would be "it's complicated."

The silence gave me time to reflect and pray. I reflected on those moments when we feel out of sync with society. Like square pegs in round holes. I was at first very frustrated. Mom's groups, new churches -- it seems like everywhere I've been going lately is a hard place to fit in. I feel like I'm running against the grain and wonder - do I need to change who I am?

But as I conversed with God, my spirit changed. Those times of feeling out of touch with the world around us perhaps call us to be in-touch with who God made us to be. Moreover, the times of life where "it's complicated" (in between jobs, in complicated relationships, unsure of our next steps) also draw out a reflection of who we truly are. More than an occupation, a role, or a stereotype.

I finished the day with a deep sense of peace. Each of us are part of the body. We each have our purpose. I rest in that and celebrate the journey of all of us trying to work out what that means in practice.

Lent Day 10: Creation

I drove up to Bodega Bay for a friend's bachelorette party. I knew that I wouldn't have time before bed for my normal reading, reflection and prayer that I have dedicated myself to for this 40 days of Lent, so I decided to turn off the radio and use the time to chat with God.

Normally, my prayers alone are silent, in my head. But I have been reading so much about the conversational nature of prayer that I decided to speak out loud imagining God with me as a passenger in the car as I drove the winding roads out to the coast. It began awkwardly. I've done a lot of spoken prayer in group settings but not very much in solitude

The drive was beautiful and as I grew comfortable with the flow of consciousness style of prayer, I found myself offering petitions for myself, friends and the world increasingly interspersed with comments on the craftsmanship of creation. It was hard not to. The hills were green, dotted with yellow wildflowers. Vineyards starting to grow. Cows grazing the hills. And approaching hwy 1 with its majestic sea cliffs late in the day with rays of light dancing on the water was enough to know that somewhere out beyond that horizon God hovered. And yet, God was there with me for the drive and for each moment of my life enjoying conversation and helping me navigate the path.

Lent Day 9: Unpredictable

Life is so full of unknowns. It boggles my mind to try to think about what might be coming. Each day that comes brings with it news that seems to shift life's path to yet another direction. Just as I think I have a pulse on where it's going, the winds shift.

The weather in this season is like that -- warm and gentle, with breaths of summer, then violent turning to rain or  cold and the sky a foreboding gray.

Faith can seem like that too. God walking comfortably along side us and leaving us secure in our knowledge of him. Then, a shift in the weather and it's as if he had never been there at all and we wonder if faith was just an illusion.

Pray without stop. Through clear and foggy days of life. Through prayer our eyes can unfold a deeper truth that can help us to understand the patterns of change in life. Or, it can give us the sufficient grace to ride through times when God feels far away assured that he is still present and active in our lives even when we don't feel lit.