My battery is blinking red. I need a vacation. A full stop break from all the things. The problem with vacation is that you have to get yourself to vacation - pack, clean, prep, etc and for me that is 7x.
And so the stress of getting ready. Cleaning. Packing. Feeding chickens. And the list was endless.
And the closer I got to finishing, somehow the more stressful it felt. I think because I felt the anticipation of letting go and being done and leaving early enough to get a ways down the road and the weight of everything undone.
But them I was done. I stood at the door sure I had forgotten something. Not wanting to let my future self down. Finally, I had scoured my brain enough. I locked the door and got into the car.
A million pounds melted off my shoulders in an instant and I noticed and wondered about that.
Why does the moment before make it hard to think clearly. And the moment after make it hard to care about anything.
The moment before I started vacation I was so stressed about forgetting to do something. And the moment after I was like "oh well, I got a credit card and that's all I need. "
I have yet to find the spiritual epiphany in this and yet it feels like a spiritual experience. Something about the limitedness of time that pushes me to do the best i can.
I worry about doing the best I can. Getting the most out of my kids early years before they grow up, getting the most out of my body before I age and it starts to fail me, making the most of a beautiful day or a time when someone is babysitting my kids and I need to "enjoy" the time off.
And then I discover that memories a lovely with big kids and whatever i do with a day off is lovely.
But the question follows me - am I living this one and precious life well? What does it mean to live well? Am I living my faith? Is that the same thing?
Today more questions than answers but I have a whole week in the desert to spend with them. It will be good.
No comments:
Post a Comment