Day 12: Resolve

 Some years I do great at Lent.  Some years I don't do as well. 

I've noticed I've done better with black and white over gray.  Something like "no caffiene" is easier than "reduce caffiene." Fasts are also usually easier than "adds."  Again,  no caffiene might be easier than "run every day."

But no matter what the practice there comes a point when it rubs and causes discomfort.  This year my Lent practices are a bit fuzzy and involve more thought and so I am struggling both with my resolve to do them and my ability to judge how well I am doing. This type of reflection forces me to go deeper.  To think about why I choose the things I choose and why growth I am hoping from myself as a result and even deeper - how does this draw me into faith.  Into relationship with God.  

This blog has become a consistent practice because it forces me to come back to the simple question "What does this have to do with faith?" 

It's easy to think of Lent as a season of self improvement. Or to tack on good habits during a season where the focus is self-denial and comfort with suffering.  But tearing through that layer of "becoming a better person" to a more radical Lent that starts and ends with "by grace alone." 

If by grace alone, we are able to enter into relationship with God and there is no "being good enough" where does that leave our resolve to practice self-denial?

For some folks,  I think the answer is "there is no need." Grace is a gift from God and it reaches us just as we are without any effort on our part. It's a valid answer. 

And yet,  Lent draws me. 

Not to be good enough for God but to recieve the gift of grace fully. The struggle with myself reminds me how much grace is needed. It's easy to think how well I might be able to do something before I actually try it.  I can imagine myself painting a masterpiece but when I actually start struggling with paint, I am humbled and realize how far my true self is from my ideal self.  It's pretty easy to recognize if have room for spiritual growth if I struggle to give up chocolate for a few days. 

The other call I hear in the lenten fast is one of drawing close to God. I love all my children and there's nothing that would change that.  Some of my children are emotionally warm,  close and share their thoughts and feelings with me.  Some of them are aloof and distant.  It is hard to connect with them. Does that change my love? It doesn't.  

When they were young,  I worried that it might.  But I've found over the years that I've invested in each of them as if they were each my only child. I've made decisions that would effect the whole family because it was clear that's what that child needed in that season.  I've rearranged my life for them. I've stayed awake all night when they were sick or needed comfort. I love them all fully.  As fully as I think I can love them. 

Lent is an opportunity to explore what it means to love like God. To try to wrestle with the gift of grace as one given in love.  To receive love,  to receive grace creates relationship even if I am not able to reciprocate.  

And suddenly giving up chocolate or caffiene becomes the canvas to both become aware of my limitations and my intentions.  I gave up a whole lifetime of freedom to choose to love  my husband. I gave up a whole different set of things in love of my children. And, I choose this every day. I choose to love them and sacrifice for them every day and it's become easy to do.  

I want to believe that a lifetime of choosing Lent has changed my heart too, has begun to mold me into the image of Christ that I may too become a light-bearer in a world in need of light. 

It's not about the chocolate. Or whatever I happened to have given up that year.  But man, when in in the middle of it,  it's so much about the chocolate.  Resolve is hard. Wrestling with fuzzy spiritual practices feels like shadow boxing.  

So I pray. 

God.  Use this. Use this struggle and this journey through the wilderness to draw me close to you.  Use it to change me and to conform me to creation you intended me to be.  Light a lamp within me and make me a light-bearer.