Day 15: A grown-up tantrum

 I laid my 3 year old on my bed to change his pants. It was nearing nap time and he still wears diapers for sleeping.  As I pulled off his pants, he started thrashing. "I'm not tired!" He protested, kicking his legs furiously. He was, in fact,  tired. 

I thought about how he must feel. There is a weight of feeling foggy,  like things are not quite right,  a lack of patience, an urge to cry and kick and thrash. And yet,  there is no name for this feeling.  It is overwhelming and something needs to change.  "Maybe I will feel better if I throw this car " 

I watched him feel his feelings and not understand them.  I knew that I had the answer and suddenly I wanted God to come and solve my feelings. 

I was having feelings too that I didn't know how to name. I just finished a zoom call with a company that I consult with.  Nothing is wrong, exactly, but I'm out of step or perhaps not the right fit for this work at this company in this moment.  I work less than 5 hours a week,  not enough to keep in step with an organization, especially since those 5 hours are almost always remote.  

Are my feelings self doubt or just dissatisfaction with a less than optimal situation?

Perhaps,  I'm feeling the sacrifice of motherhood.  Being less at other things to be more for my kids.  

Maybe I'm tired or my hormones are out of whack or I need to eat.  Probably all of those things.

Whatever it is,  I have enough sense not to thrash and kick my legs and throw a toy truck,  or at least I think I do. But I don't know what will make it better and I want God to fix it. 

I stumble upon this prayer:

"May I find freedom in limitation - to fully give myself to what I can do rather than worry about what I cannot" @40daysprayerbook

Maybe I am bumping up against my limitations and like Zander fighting his nap, I am fighting to break through so I can do more and be more when I need to see limitations as a sign post to move in a different direction.  

I will sit with this,  once I get him down for a nap.