Day 21: Sleepless

When I was a little girl, there were more than a few nights when I would wake up to my dad softly whispering. "Sara. Wake up. I got an idea." My dad is a dreamer and often came up with new ideas in the middle of the night. My mom sleeps hard, so sometimes when he just couldn't get back to sleep without talking it out, he would come and find me. It is a special thing we shared that I think I'll always carry with me.

The middle of the night is raw. In spanish, it is called the madrugada. That deepest part of the night that leads to dawn. It is the time we come face to face with the things most intimate and life-changing. When lovers share deep secrets, when mothers nurse and bond with new babies, when we grieve our deepest losses, come up with great ideas, question who we are and what we are here for, decide to move across the country, wrestle with God and faith. It is when I labored with each of my boys. In the darkness of night. In the silence of those early morning hours when nothing else comes to distract and we are left curiously alone with our heightened emotions and sensations. Which seem greater often than we can bear. Bigger than our minds or hearts or bodies can handle. Often, we are alone in those moments. Seeking company means we have to face the awkwardness of seriously inconveniencing someone and drag them out of the bliss of sleep to join us in the intensity of night's emotion. Sometimes we have no choice. Often, we just ride it out alone waiting for our heart to settle enough to let us sleep.

Jesus spent a sleepless night, praying in a garden. With all the stress and anxiety that night brings. He was alone. Waking his friends. Pleading them to join him in the intensity of his emotional and spiritual battle. But, they didn't. He faced the torment alone. God came as man and experienced the rawness of a sleepless night. And in our sleepless nights we can always bring our hearts to him.