Day 18: Leave

Andrew was 5 days overdue. The month before he was born, I had many false alarms. I focused on calming my body down so that he wouldn't come too early. I knew that coming too early would impact his health. But, as the due date came and went, my focus shifted. I started to do activities to encourage the labor to come. I knew that coming too late could cause him to grow too large and make it difficult or impossible to birth him naturally.

It seems that there are moments, timed perfectly, when life transitions from one thing to another. Ulrich and I loved our time in Davis. It was for both of us an oasis -- a time of healing, growth and renewal. After we got married, we knew our time there was limited. The timing turned out perfect. We were able to stay there until Eddie was a few months old. It gave me those first few months surrounded by a really tight knit community to help me transition into motherhood and grow confident that I would be fine on my own. Leaving Davis was really hard. I loved it there. It was home for me. But now, going back, I find that it is not the place where I am supposed to be and I am not meant to go back any more than Andrew is meant to return to the womb.

But as I was getting him ready for bed this evening, I was pondering his cute little belly button. A permanent sign of a time when I breathed for him, when I nourished him directly. Leaving isn't only about moving on to new places and circumstances but being permanently changed and marked by the journey thus far. This Easter, Andrew will be baptized. Marked forever by this part of his journey.

God is before, behind and with us on this journey. We are marked as children of God. No matter where we go. How far away. Somewhere deep inside of us is a small mark, left by the divine to let us know we will always be his children and that we are always invited home.