It was raining and I went out to care for the chickens. Zander followed me out in his jammies and miles in his underwear. They stomped in puddles while I tended the chickens. The air was warmer than I expected. A spring rain... not a winter one.
I paused and let the rain fall on me. It is Easter vigil. All of my kids were baptized on this day (or very early on Easter). Early believers were baptized on this day. The stillness of death before resurrection. The rain reminded me of baptism. My kids playing in the water. It was a holy moment. I thought of my aunt passing newly on. The water dancing around her in the quiet place between death and resurrection.
I went back inside. Lots of errands today. Groceries for Easter. Finishing school projects so we won't have to work on Easter or the day after. We have big plans for Easter Monday that involve video games, a walk to Mcdonald's and me sitting on a swing sipping diet coke in the back yard. If we're all going to take the full day off... we have a lot to do today.
I took Zander with me to buy some new Easter clothes for boys who are too big for last year's. It felt like a vigil. Getting ready for a funeral. Getting ready for a party. It felt like both. The gray, sad day continued on outside.
I went to the grocery store. I had decided to fast from Thursday night until Sunday morning. I was hungry. I thought about comfort foods we eat on Easter morning and after funerals. I remember my grandfather died during Lent and his priest made an exception to the no meat during Lent for the funeral. It was a feast. It was a comfort to eat together with the whole family.
I bought my diet coke for Monday. I thought about my swing and the blissful day of boys on video games all day. My whole heart entered into anticipation. For good food. For drink. For the resurrection just around the corner.
I came home and cleaned the house. The clouds outside lifted. The sun peered down in the afternoon. I grinned. I've had this ongoing search for bad weather on Easter. But for the last 15 years, wherever I've been it's been 70 and sunny every year for Easter day. I could feel the time of Easter drawing close. Almost like labor drawing close. Just that feeling. It's coming. It's almost here.
Getting ready for a funeral. Ordinary things. Making coffee. Doing paperwork. Organizing events and people. It's busy and a blur.
The disciples didn't know Jesus was rising on Sunday. They held vigil during the sabbath. Thinking about all the things to do in the new week. They wondered what now? What next? Who are we? They held grief close. They did very little. Just the ordinary.
Holding vigil.
Holding space.
In the emptiness after death before the bustle of resurrection.
Today was a vigil for me. Incredibly ordinary but with heightened awareness and intention. Emotions like rain drops spatter the soul.
These are the waters we're baptized into holding onto the ache of the cross in one hand and the joy of resurrection in the other.
I'm just trying to sit with that for today. But still, my soul stirs. Something is coming.
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