Day 41: But why... Love?

 I sat in the front row as we usually do. Most years I haven't attempted holy week or lenten services because 7pm on a school night is too late.  They are all toast and a calm, contemplative service is too tall an order.  

But this year, I decided to brave it. They are all getting older and I want it to be part of life for them.  Maundy Thursday tends to be more family oriented.  Washing feet,  communion,  praying in a garden.  This is the gentle part of the passion.  There is movement and it isn't quite as somber as good Friday.  A better place to start with 5 squirmy,  just before bedtime boys. 

Tonight's service was pretty meditative.  Candlelit.  Reflective.  Poetic. Stations of the cross around the back of the room.  We walked through them and took our seats.  Zander played on the floor with cars.  Miles laid on my lap. My attention split between keeping the little ones from being a distraction and the words being shared in the liturgy.

An odd thing struck me.  Jesus gave his last command,  "Love each other. " I mean,  of course. That goes without saying.  I usually pass right by that point.  But today it hit me hard.  The very last thing Jesus told all his disciples to do was love each other. 

There's a part of me that sees faith as an individual endeavor.  Seeking God at the top of a mountain,  a retreat at a monastery, deep study of ancient texts,  vibrant prayer.  But Jesus didn't give a final command to pray or to study scripture.  Jesus said to love each other.  Really? Is faith deeply,  essentially about loving each other? 

I've never been perplexed by this until today.  Sitting in the front row of church,  trying to pay attention to service while mothering the squirrelly boys at my feet.  Motherhood makes it hard for me to go to bible study, to journal,  to study scripture.  Motherhood makes spiritual practices difficult.  But motherhood is a spiritual practice. Choosing love instead of advancement in my career.  Choosing love instead of sleep in the middle of the night.  Choosing love, knowing that caring for a sick kid will make me sick too. 

Peeling away layer after layer of my selfishness and  pride.   Peeling away fear and anger. 

Faith

A belief I hold

Knowledge I have of God 

Theology

Or....

Love

Change in my heart

Forgiveness

Self sacrifice

I don't think I can have faith without love.  I don't think I can believe or follow God with just my mind or a set of right beliefs.  My heart must also be changed by love.  Jesus had to make it simple for us. 

I've thought about this a lot and yet I don't have it fully in my grasp. But Jesus left us all with a command that carves deeply into the essence of who we are... 

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."